On Did You Bring Your Dick to the Table?

I will get one simply so I always have a spare.

Posted on March 28, 2014 at 2:22 pm 0

On The Best (and Worst and Last) Time I Went To a Sorority Party

This is one of those things that's funny to read about, but probably really sad in person.

"I didn't know how to handle my liquor the first time I got drunk, so I instituted an insane system of stopwatches and bagels instead of just learning how to drink better."

First time I got drunk, I was convinced that a middle aged nanny was hitting on me, obsessed over the fact that I had to pee so much, and kissed someone else's girlfriend. It wasn't a great showing.

But with experience, I learned how to drink without acting like an idiot, or descending into a neurosis-lined pit of madness.

Posted on March 28, 2014 at 2:22 pm 0

On George Is the One With the Glasses: My Seinfeld Capitulation

I loved Seinfeld, but whenever I watch an episode nowadays, I keep finding myself thinking, "Wow, this would be a lot different if they all had cell phones."

Posted on March 26, 2014 at 9:48 am 0

On Villa Tunari

Relevant Onion link: http://www.theonion.com/articles/european-men-are-so-much-more-romantic-than-americ,11552/

Posted on March 17, 2014 at 10:54 pm 1

On What Tinder Messages Mean

With tinder, I usually just make small talk for a handful of messages, and then ask to meet up for a drink. Getting to know someone online is incredibly difficult even with something more robust like match.com.

Basically, if you thought I was hideous, we wouldn't be chatting, and it's much easier to suss out if there's any kind of spark in person.

Posted on March 14, 2014 at 1:29 pm 0

On Dating Advice Guides for Today's Modern Monster

I wish I could settle down with a nice girl with a head full of eels.

Posted on March 2, 2014 at 10:15 am 0

On The Best Time I Married My Gay Best Friend in Vegas

"And I was going to learn so much: being married to Emir was a unique opportunity, a training ground in being someone’s partner sans the passion that accompanied sexual relationships, which would allow me a sort of detached objectivity on the marriage act. Given the absence of passion and sex, maybe I could at least wrap my mind around partnership. I’d wade in slowly and see if I couldn’t figure out enough about marriage to feel confident entering one in the future."

...am I the only one who thinks this is kind of sad?

Posted on February 28, 2014 at 9:58 am 3

On Vin Diesel Made a Special Video For You?

Screw this, I want to see a video of him playing D&D. Dude is supposed to be hardcore about his RPGs.

Posted on January 28, 2014 at 1:09 pm 1

On Engagement Chicken, Three Ways

I would never marry a woman who threw out giblets. You don't even have to do anything with them, if you don't want to! Just throw them in the pan with the chicken, and they'll bake in the chicken juices.

Posted on January 16, 2014 at 1:39 pm 2

On Here Is a Video of a Woman Eating a 72-Ounce Steak in Under Three Minutes

I bet she never wants to split dessert, either. I think I'm in love.

Posted on January 16, 2014 at 10:10 am 0