@Lady Pennyface LASHBLAST. Big fat orange tube full of SEX.
Okay shining shoes is great and all but also MINK OIL on leather boots. This is a dad tip that I foolishly ignored until this year and it is AMAZING, my shitty boots look way better, are totally waterproofed and stay nice all winter.
I once fell asleep while with someone, talking the entire time, only in increasingly crazypants language. Like, while mostly awake I was talking about gun control, which apparently morphed into me saying there were too many guns in Malawi, at which point the person I was with was naturally all like, "Uh...what?" And then I started trying to explain my point by saying, repeatedly and adamantly, "Jane. Jane! JANE. This is your spleen."
When I was 12 my little girl-posse had this joke that I was actually a squirrel, turned human by some kind of rodent juju; I think it came from the way I ate carrots or some shit, we liked being Cute and Quirky, I don't know. Anyway for my birthday that year they gave me a taxidermied squirrel, in an aquarium, complete with red-bead rabies eyes. I still have no idea where they rustled that fucker up. It. Was. Incredible.