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On Beauty Q&A: Mascara Dots, Cheap Makeup, and Chapped Lips

@Lady Pennyface LASHBLAST. Big fat orange tube full of SEX.

Posted on June 13, 2011 at 12:23 pm 0

On Ask a Clean Person: Smelly, Scuffy, Dirty Shoes

Okay shining shoes is great and all but also MINK OIL on leather boots. This is a dad tip that I foolishly ignored until this year and it is AMAZING, my shitty boots look way better, are totally waterproofed and stay nice all winter.

Posted on May 26, 2011 at 2:24 pm 0

On The Best Thing I Said in My Sleep

I once fell asleep while with someone, talking the entire time, only in increasingly crazypants language. Like, while mostly awake I was talking about gun control, which apparently morphed into me saying there were too many guns in Malawi, at which point the person I was with was naturally all like, "Uh...what?" And then I started trying to explain my point by saying, repeatedly and adamantly, "Jane. Jane! JANE. This is your spleen."

Posted on January 28, 2011 at 8:22 pm 3

On The Best Gift I Ever Got

When I was 12 my little girl-posse had this joke that I was actually a squirrel, turned human by some kind of rodent juju; I think it came from the way I ate carrots or some shit, we liked being Cute and Quirky, I don't know. Anyway for my birthday that year they gave me a taxidermied squirrel, in an aquarium, complete with red-bead rabies eyes. I still have no idea where they rustled that fucker up. It. Was. Incredible.

Posted on December 27, 2010 at 6:06 pm 0