I play music, I read books, I drink coffee, I procrastinate on the internet. But only on quality sites like the Hairpin.
@everybody thanks very much for your input! An IUD is definitely something I'll be looking into in the future, but for now I'm feeling more at ease about condoms (plus being careful with timing.) Now, hopefully, I can meet some nice guys that I can stand to be around AND want to do, who also want to do me. (Is that really as hard as it's been for me all these years? Why is that hard?)
OK ladies. Everyone who's ever read my whining on here knows that I'm the world's oldest virgin, but I'm hoping to get that particular missed life milestone out of the way sooner rather than later. I'm not looking for Mr. Right Forever or Prince Charming anymore, I'd just like to casually date some nice people and explore some sexual experiences and enjoy a part of life that has been completely closed off to me till now. I'm not into anonymous one-night stands (would feel violating and gross to me) but I'm also not at a place in my life where I want A Serious Relationship you know? Sort of...affectionate flings and summer romances sound lovely right now.
My problem is birth control. I am terrified beyond all terror of getting pregnant. I was on the pill very briefly a few years ago both to attempt to deal with some really nasty periods and because I was in a relationship at the time (which fizzled out before anything sexual ever happened, epic fail.) And the pill was a nightmare, I cried every single day, my thinking was fuzzy, my libido disappeared and I was constantly terrified of blood clots. So I'm not trying that again. IUDs look like pretty brilliant options if one is in a serious long-term relationship, but it feels kind of dumb to go to all that trouble and pain and expense and deal with having a piece of equipment jammed into my uterus when I don't even have anyone I'm for sure sleeping with. Sponges and diaphragms and stuff just look so cumbersome and ineffective.
So basically, my question to the experienced ladies here: is relying on condoms going to land me in the maternity ward? And, will any man on the planet voluntarily use one? It just seems like my only option right now save dying a virgin. But if there's any chance that it would put me in serious danger of pregnancy - I'll just abandon all hope of ever getting laid, because the fear of pregnancy is TOO much.
ETA: should I just try the pill again? My periods do come with massive mood swings that I'd just as soon be rid of, and it's possible that my misery on the pill was actually misery due to the completely fuckass terrible relationship I was in at the time.
@lewlew Yeah, I don't exactly regret waiting this long because a) I was nowhere near emotionally mature enough to even consider it until, basically, this past year and b) all I missed was a lot of really bad teenage sex with gross teenage boys, but I kind of am over the whole being single and lonely and just wishing for the love of god someone would touch me in an affectionate manner because it's starting to be a persistent dull ache all over my whole body like I'm literally starving for something vital I'm not fucking getting. And I'm still completely incapable of going out and finding some cute stranger at a bar to get it over with, but at the same time I don't want to find The One For Forever yet! Ack.
And yeah, my therapist was really helpful in the beginning (he is the first shrink I've ever seen, it's been since October when I finally got over myself and realized I needed some help with some issues) but lately I think he's sort of making things worse. He just lets me rant, and everything keeps coming back to my various resentments and unhappinesses about my parents and my childhood - and it's making me feel doomed and like I had a worse upbringing than I actually did (it was a little weird and mildly dysfunctional but whose wasn't? and there was plenty of good), and it briefly drove a very scary rift between me and my parents who I've always been close to (maybe a little too close, I need to independent-ize myself more, but not being on speaking terms with my mother for two weeks was kind of unpleasant). He doesn't really give me any advice or sometimes even any insight, except last week he had the "insight" to say that I feel ugly and unlovable because, clearly, my father wasn't loving and affectionate enough to me when I was five. Let me say that my father is an excellent human being and was the best dad a weird nerdy sports-playing kid could have ever had. I'm a little drunk and rambling? ANYWAY. Blah. Thanks Hairpin, I love you guys.
Also: if anyone here is into soccer, holy SHIT do yourselves a favor and look up video of the goal Mario Balotelli scored today. I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor.
So I'm 24 years old and a virgin, not really by choice. I mean it was my choice to not sleep with guys I wasn't into, but it wasn't my choice to never find anyone I was into who was also into me. And I'm feeling extra awful and hopeless about it recently because in the course of this past week I had a married 25-year-old female friend tell me that my virginity was "the most valuable thing about me" and "made me special," a 21 year old single friend absolutely flipped the shit with scandal and horror when I mentioned that a guy I had gone on two unremarkable dates with a few months ago was 35 years old and asked me what was wrong with me that I went with someone so OLD, an older male colleague tried to set me up with his barely 18 year old nephew (with the unspoken assumption that we were at roughly the same level of romantic/emotional development), I got hit on by a 16 year old, and my therapist said to me very sarcastically "You know, this may come as a shock to you but some women actually enjoy sex" when I was trying to get him to help me deal with my fear of intimacy and all the messages about men=sexual predators I internalized from too many scary PSAs on rape culture when I finally got out of my extremely sheltered upbringing and went to college. And it's Valentine's Day, and I can't even get the guy I 10% like and 90% is just my bro to go for a damn beer with me, and it's a slushpocalypse in New York. I've also spent the day being shamed for being unhappy to be single on Valentine's Day, both by people who seem to think it's a betrayal of feminism to wish I had a boyfriend, and by people who say "There are people who don't have mothers on Mother's Day so you shut the fuck up about your nonexistent problem." I NEEDED TO GET THAT ALL OUT THANK YOU and good evening.
@Beaks thank you lovely <3 that's all pretty much what my rational brain knows but it's still super helpful to hear it from external sources. I am definitely giving the absolute bare minimum number of fucks required to graduate, starting to sniff out jobs that are actually in my field and not Starbucks, and definitely doing the "life outside school" thing in as big a way as I can (mostly an all consuming obsession with both playing and watching soccer.) I'll be ok, just need to have these reassurances sometimes...
Hi old Hairpin, long time no spill-guts-in-FOT. So, I've been having a few months of pretty bad depression/anxiety as I face the need to rethink what I'm doing with my life a bit - redefining my approach to my field of study and work, realizing that some things I just sort of default assumed I would do are not things I want to really spend all my time doing...long story...and it's kind of terrifying but I know there's also the potential for exciting new horizons in here? I think I'm closer to the end of the dark tunnel than to the beginning, and I have some preliminary steps I can take towards what I need to do when I graduate in the spring, but it's all FUCKING SCARY and I'm still sort of paralyzed by self-doubt and self-criticism, and I'm also facing one last semester in the absolute worst and most horrible unsatisfying and unproductive graduate program full of horrible soul-sucking miserable people you can possibly imagine, so I'm just sort of......I don't know if I can do this? Especially alone, because I've been single my entire damn life except for five months as a deeply repressed unacknowledged gay man's unhappy un-deflowered beard and that shows no signs of changing in the near future and I'm almost 25 and it's just become too damn long to be too damn alone? GAH. If anyone's still reading, and has words of wisdom, I'd love to hear them. Otherwise, thanks good old Hairpin for being as ever my place to open the door, primal-scream, then leave feeling slightly better.
(PS I am in therapy, for the past few months. It's been helpful but mostly in the sort of "take the lid off Pandora's box" sort of way, forcing me to ask myself questions I hadn't allowed myself to ask, leading to all this probably-necessary unsettledness and rethinking. LIFE TRANSITIONS, guys, in a nutshell, how do I survive LIFE TRANSITION without falling over the cliff of Failure or developing TOO strong a reliance on cocktails?)
This Taurus has indeed been ruled by backward-moving forces for.....entirely too long, and very much needs Venus to come home. Thanks for seeing me, Galactic Rabbit (and thanks for being called Galactic Rabbit because seriously that's flawless.)
@stroopwafel Yeah. As a 24 year old I really don't hear often enough that my depression, existential anxiety and crippling loneliness are somehow not real because I'm in my 20s and this is supposed to be the best decade of my life. If this is what I'm going to look back on as "toy misery", then fetch me an asp.
This piece resonates weirdly with me today because I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how people (particularly female people, but hardly excluding those of other persuasions) tend to act in my field. I'm in the arts and it's practically de rigeur for all of us to talk at every possible opportunity about how bad we are at it and how unsatisfied we were with our last show and everything. I know a lot of people who are very, very good at what they do, but I'm not sure I've really ever heard anyone describe their own work as anything better than "slightly less bad than usual." Are we trying to avoid accusations of arrogance, or maybe subconsciously pre-empting judgement (from a raging-capitalist society that thinks of us as parasites) by denigrating ourselves first?
And here's someone's "radical honesty" resulting in a lot of "I'm nothing special or interesting, nothing to see here, don't worry I don't think I'm special." (Kind of reminded me a tiny little bit of the infamous "I'm too dumb to read the Economist" piece from the other week.) Is that really radical? Or honest? "Radical honesty" coming from me, for example, could either end up as "I often take ridiculously long in the bathroom because my mind wanders off as I sit crapping and I lose track of time" or as "Sometimes I'm so completely overwhelmed with love for life that I wish the entire world would turn into an overripe peach that I could devour, syrupy juice covering my body." Both are completely true, both are rather embarrassing to write. The second one, though, is the "crazy" one, the eyerolling "look who thinks she's a poet har har" one, the one that's very gauche and tacky to put one's name too because REALLY now. Talking oneself down and making oneself appear sort of bland and world-weary regardless of the actual contents of one's mind or soul is the socially mandated variant, it sometimes seems to me....and isn't radicalism usually the uncomfortable path?
Interestingly, I almost just apologized for writing such a long and/or personal comment. "Lol, sorry for the novel, just rambling on here, ignore me and my silly attempts at "Deep Thinking" har har har no seriously I'm just a normal dummy, don't worry."
Radical honesty is certainly a concept worth thinking upon.