@adorable-eggplant @paddlepickle Yeah, fair enough, I suppose. I mean, I do see your point, but I also think it's pretty normal for my fiancee's friends to "primarily speak and make eye contact with" her instead of with me and to text her rather than texting me - they're her friends! And I do the same thing with my friends and their perfectly lovely partners. My oldest friend's husband is great, but I didn't share an apartment with him for two years, and he doesn't play Scrabble, and he doesn't share my taste in books. So I mostly talk to her when we all hang out, and I don't feel like that's inappropriate. I would be awfully confused and hurt if he felt the need to run me off because he believed that behaviour meant I wanted to cheat on my partner with his straight wife.
So yeah, your point is valid, but I'm not entirely sure the letter supports it. Maybe if the LW had more than 300 words to describe what was going on, I'd be wholeheartedly on your side.
@Jaya Sure, but the letter doesn't indicate that the boyfriend was really emotionally intimate with the other woman. It talks about them having similar interests and the three of them hanging out. Sounds pretty harmless to me! It doesn't talk about him drunk texting her, or hanging out with her alone and going on about how his girlfriend doesn't understand him, or whatever. He even stopped hanging out with her when his girlfriend said she was uncomfortable, even though he didn't understand why she was so upset. The letter paints him as a pretty good dude whose girlfriend doesn't trust him or the other lady - who is admittedly behaving in some sketchy ways, but seemingly less so than the letter writer herself.
@hotdog I don't think the LW did herself any favours when she wrote this: "I tried to make it clear that this was less of a romance concern for me than a friendship concern. Before we met the lady, WE had been best friends. But I won’t lie—it didn’t help that she happened to be beautiful and funny and charming. Just because she’s gay doesn’t mean he is, right?" I mean, that raised enough red flags that it almost obscured all the red flags the lesbro was waving. Seriously possessive and immature and mistrustful. Maybe justifiably so, maybe not.
AQC can't teach the weird lesbro how to have good boundaries, because the weird lesbro didn't write in to AQC. The LW did. So AQC suggested that the LW communicate with her boyfriend and talked about how to navigate any future friendships that she was uncomfortable with. I'm not sure what else AQC could have done with this, based on what was actually in the letter and on which person wrote in requesting advice.
God, I hope AQC is right about even terrible people knowing better than to start shit at people's weddings. I'm in the same boat, and my fiancee and I have talked to the people whom we know aren't that queer friendly (ie, our parents), and I still don't trust that they're not going to be awful. I saw my mom over Christmas, and I tried to include her in the wedding plans a bit...whereupon she informed me that she's not going to dress up for the wedding because "nothing about what you have planned says 'nice wedding' to me".
Also, I actually do kind of feel like I wore out my kinks. But it was because my sex life with one particular guy was "all kink all the time" and always pushing the limits of what I was willing to do, right up until it turned into rape. My fiancee (a lovely lady who is the furthest thing from a rapist) and I do still engage in some non-vanilla activities, but I'm no longer interested in being on the receiving end of any pain or dominance play at all. I would feel safe with her; I'm just not interested anymore. That situation is different from the letter writer's though, so hopefully AQC's suggestion to just take a little break and then get back at it will work for the letter writer. If not, there is a whole world of kink that a lot of people don't find out about unless they get involved in the BDSM community - a quick browse through fetlife might help the letter writer and her partner find new kinks to try, if they haven't done that already.
This was lovely.
@j-i-a Maggie Stiefvater's prose is beautiful. Maybe not the early stuff as much, but The Wolves of Mercy Falls series (Shiver, Forever, and Linger) and The Raven Cycle (The Raven Boys and The Dream Thieves) are gorgeous.
Excellent piece, thank you!
@Chareth Cutestory There are often rating sites for doctors and therapists, which will give you some idea of how their clients have felt about them.
If you know that any of your friends have been in therapy, they can be a good resource.
Sometimes googling your specific problem + your location + therapy can lead to someone who's really good with that specific problem.
Your doctor may have some suggestions (that's how I found my therapist when I went).
If you're in need of someone who will respect you as a minority (I was), googling "queer-friendly therapist" or whatever helps.
Good luck! :)
@melissabw Yeah, she has a lamp and it helps! Just not enough right now, unfortunately.
@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) These are both good options! She mentioned wanting to make cinnamon rolls, so I could help with that. And there was a comic book store/sandwich shop that we've been meaning to go to. We could walk there.
Thanks, those are really helpful suggestions!