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On Friday Open Thread

@olivebee Paul Ryan has the same eyes as the main chicken in Chicken Run.

Posted on August 24, 2012 at 8:06 pm 1

On On Adding or Keeping Distances

@Marzipan Oh god we are life twins because I was you for the last year/I still feel like you on bad hair days or when I've had too much to drink. TERRIBLE guy (had a girlfriend, had an ongoing emotional and sexual affair with another woman, had weird sporadic dalliances with me as well), fucked up situation that was unfortunately as clear cut as it gets, and I could not stop. I was super attracted to him despite everything and let the manipulation, the confusion, and the being-used-ness just wash over me like a wave for a solid year. I took whatever I could get from him because it felt so delicious and withheld and unexpected, like a special occasions only treat that I couldn't make myself resist because of how infrequently it was offered.

I knew I had to cut him out. I knew it would be better for me in every way possible. But I straight-up did not want to, not one bit. I wanted all the benefits of moving on but I could not handle the idea that I wouldn't be able to be with him ever again, and more than that I could not handle the idea that he would maybe stop wanting me, in whatever limited way he did, if I stopped things. I told all my friends that I was trying so hard to cut him out but he was too persistent- no, just no. I wasn't trying. When it came down to it, I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to be a happy, well-adjusted person. I decided I had to wait until I was ready to go cold turkey.

But what I realized, after our last time together? I would never feel ready to go cold turkey. My heart would never be 100% in it. I would not stop wanting him until he left me behind. To summon a cheesy line that undoubtedly has graced countless AIM profiles and Xanga bios: Sometimes you have to stop thinking about what you want and remember what you deserve. You have to make sacrifices- not just for your mixed-up but still fantastic and worthwhile self but also for the cause of putting juiceboxes and monsters back in their sorry-ass place, where they truly belong. And as glorious as that sounds, the reality of it can really, really, REALLY suck.

Find your friend who is really good at pep talks, and your friend who hates this motherfucker just a little bit more than the others do. Let them unleash their wisdom and listen to all the terrible things this guy has done to you and probably others to help you muster up whatever rage you can. You might still feel like you're about to vom everywhere but charge on. Get a little dressed up. Have a drink or two. Then tell him, in whatever phrasing you have decided is appropriate, that you cannot be with him, in any capacity, anymore. Never again. And then leave (always always keep the meter running during emotionally charged confrontations). This will probably feel terrible and awful and unnatural and you might cry on the bus on the way home (I know because it happened to a friend).

But what is natural is not always what is best, which anyone who has tried to find an all-natural deodorant can tell you. The point is. You might not feel brave and empowered and confident right away. You might go through a few weeks feeling like someone went at your heart with the rough side of the sponge, like someone stepped on your face, like you have been punched in the soul.

Live it up. I listened to only Fleetwood Mac for at least 36 hours after I told my asshole where to go, and I cried in a lot of bathrooms. And then one day I woke up and felt a little better. And even better the next day after that. And now? Well, I bought a pair of animal print pants this week. I am in a good place for the first time in a long time. I don't feel weak anymore. My personal life is no longer in shambles. It's definitely still hard, but I am giving myself time to change the messed up, deeply engrained habits that made this such a mess in the first place.

tl;dr You may never feel 100% ready. Who gives a shit? Don't wait, just do. The right time is now. I know you don't want to but you need to. It won't feel like it right away but it will be worth it.

Posted on June 2, 2012 at 3:31 am 3

On Why Didn't He Write The Book of Love?

When I first saw this on the main page, I read it as "This letter of love advice from John Stamos to his son" and got incredibly excited. It was still great but John Stamos, man.

Posted on February 25, 2012 at 8:06 pm 2

On Things I Am Deathly Afraid of After Reading the Hairpin

Can't forget the centipedes!

Posted on February 15, 2012 at 3:07 pm 10

On Friday Open Thread

@PrincessBeyonce Alright guys, I wound up wearing a nautical-looking dress I have and a captain's hat to be the captain of the Italian cruise ship that went down a week ago (the one who "tripped" into a lifeboat and abandoned ship.) I made a sign with the sideways ship that said "Ciao!" and taped it to my back and it was an overwhelming success.

My favorite costumes were a girl dressed as the morning after (since it was still the night of), a guy who was a SOPA-censored image (all black with tape over his junk and a bunch of "censored" stickers), and a girl who put make-up bruises all over her faces to be domestic violence, because it is always too soon for that. Sadly there were NO premature ejaculators to be found.

Posted on January 28, 2012 at 2:04 pm 0

On Friday Open Thread

GUYS HELP ME I'm going to a "Too Soon" themed party tonight, and I have no idea what to wear, mostly because I want to avoid the dead celebrity/public figure route if possible. I've got one friend going as Billy Cundiff on suicide watch, and another going as the "What are we?" talk. Any suggestions?!

Posted on January 27, 2012 at 5:43 pm 0

On Frustrating Breakups, Jobs, and Hairstyles

@Nora Regis@twitter

SAME. I laughed and laughed and laughed until my roommate asked me what the matter was, but apparently she doesn't find the trials and tribulations of pube removal as scintillating as I do.

Posted on November 16, 2011 at 6:11 pm 1