LW4: I went through something similar with my best guy friend, except that he was attracted to me and the mixed signals drove my analytical mind insane. It didn't help that outsiders thought we were together, or told me that he was just so obviously in love with me. The way he looked at me, they said! But alas, he was always in a relationship with someone other than me. Even though we had that one really intense make out session 5 years ago (that ended with him bolting out the door, apologizing), I accepted that were Just Friends. I found happiness with someone else and dated him for 3 years and he dated a nice gal for 4.
Well, both of our relationships unceremoniously ended last year around the summer time. He was angry about his dumping, I was going through the aftermath of domestic violence. We slept together, drunkenly in a pool, and helped each other get through a hard time. He was about to leave the country for a year, but I thought about what Might Could Be when he got back and if things had finally progressed between us. So I did the scariest, smartest, best thing I could possibly do and I just flat out asked him if he could ever eventually see us being in a relationship.
And he froze. He told me that he was so bitter about relationships, he couldn't imagine being in a relationship with ANYone. And so I got my answer. Finally, after 11 years of pining, I moved on. If my best friend wanted to be with me, he would be with me. It was a light-bulb moment (I had a lot of those that summer!) and suddenly everything was clear. He cannot even tell me that he might want to possibly date me A YEAR FROM NOW. Moving on is the best feeling in the entire world. That clarity.
Less than a month later, I met my boyfriend who, by the way, cannot fathom the idea that best guy friend did not want to be with me. Today, we went shopping for engagement rings. I'm dating a guy who wants to be with me so much that he wants to buy me an engagement ring.
The moral of this story is that you need to move on, and moving on takes closure. So either read between the lines and realize that if he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you, or simply ask him again. Tell him your feelings. If he doesn't emphatically say that he wants to be with you, that means he doesn't want to be with you. If it comes down to attraction, he never will. So please, talk to him and find that closure and open yourself up to relationships with men who are so excited to have you in their life. It's worth it, I promise.
LW3: I'm kind of concerned that you two were "fighting about something related" when it came up. Fighting about sex? Fighting about the awful sex you had when you first started dating 3 years ago? That's kind of a terrible thing to do! Why are you fighting about something sex related that prompted him to tell you that he was actually a virgin? That's concerning. Something tells me there's A LOT more going on here and this whole "open relationship" thing is really something you want for YOU, not him.
On a separate note, I think it's completely messed up that society expects men to have played the field as much as it expects women to be "pure". My 29 year old boyfriend has only slept with 1 lady before me and I have slept with many dudes in the past and it doesn't matter at all. Together, we have the Best Sex, so who cares about the past?
LW1: Don't pay attention to the judgey side-eyes following your post-divorce actions. Every situation is different and everyone moves on at their own pace. Sure, there is a Standard Pace and if someone moves faster than that, their loved ones freak out. Just don't stop this fun, good thing you have with this new guy because of what other people think. Maybe they're right, but who cares? They have an equal chance of being wrong.
I "rushed" into my current relationship a little over a month after getting assaulted by my long-term boyfriend. We had been together for several years, I was on my way out, he got depressed and I got hurt in the process. The month following the assault is a time period that I will never forget and can't really explain. It changed me forever. I did yoga for hours every day. I reconnected with old friends. I worked on myself. I figured out why my last relationship was wrong and what I needed in the future. Petty things seemed really stupid. I cried and I mourned and I wrote wrote wrote and I grew a lot as a person. And then I got bored and met someone online and we fell in love pretty fast. He knew my situation right off the bat and he didn't mind. We fell HARD for each other and people are probably STILL judging me- waiting for this relationship to crash and burn. To be honest, I knew that was a possibility from the very beginning. I knew that maybe I was rushing things and maybe it would end horribly, but it felt right at the time. Almost 5 months later, we're still very happy together.
So just HAVE FUN and listen to your feelings. It sounds like you're DUE for a happy relationship, however casual it ends up being. If it feels right, then it probably is. And if it doesn't work out? Know that it helped you in the process of finding a relationship that will.
Maybe the adopt-in-pairs thing explains why my cat turned out to be so needy. When she was 6 weeks old, I would leave her in my bedroom to go spend 10 minutes getting ready for bed and when I returned she would be TRAUMATIZED. The cries and the purrs!
She is still needy, but amazing. She fetches and knows her name and clearly thinks she is a dog. She's had many cat friends/roommates over the past 6 years (as I tend to have only seriously dated other cat owners), but now it's just us again. She's still living with my ex and our kittens (now his kittens? sad), so I hope she adjusts well in a few weeks when I pick her up!
@PistolPackinMama Oh snaps. Thanks!
I have an OKCupid question! I joined the site when I was 21 or 22, and answered all the questions back then. Now that I am 26 and single again, I enabled my account and updated my profile. BUT I'm pretty sure my answers to all the questions would be SO MUCH DIFFERENT now. Yet, you're matched up with people by the questions. When some hot guy messages me and it says we're 90% a match, I instantly think about him being a match with my 21 year old self and it turns me off.
Is there a way to fix this? You know, without creating a new profile? I just don't care enough to create a new profile.
YES to birth order analysis! I find it fascinating (my mom is a psychologist, so maybe that's why) and I think it is a huge factor of one's personality. It's usually pretty obvious once you know the general traits.
On Saturday I spent the day with my brother and sister-in-law and my mom in Houston. After a couple hours of conversation, I realized I was sitting with 3 oldest-children. I am the youngest child. I always revert into "notice me! notice me!" mode when I'm around my immediate family. It's bizarre.
Seriously, though, the thought of being in a relationship with another youngest child is terrifying. We would both be irresponsible and never on time. On the same vein, I don't know how my brother's marriage with another oldest will be! All the bossiness, how do you survive? I have never dated a middle child, strangely enough. Only oldest and only.
As someone who has juuust exited an abusive long-term relationship, LW1, get out. He said that awful thing to you in a fight because HE'S BEEN THINKING IT ALL ALONG. He brought his friends into it. That's almost as bad (or sometimes worse, depending) as bringing his family into it. How does he expect you to feel around his friends now? Happy? Accepted?
Ugh. I'm in a period of *enlightenment after coping with recent physical abuse and I just don't want any woman ever dealing with any of this bullshit. Ever! I'm sorry, but who the fuck cares if his "friends" think you're not a perfect 10? Oh, right, he does. You wouldn't have written into an advice columnist if your gut feeling didn't tell you to.
*also wine drinking
I use Buxom and really like it. Well, I really like it the first month of using it. Then it just kind of stops working? It gets clumpy, even though it's still very wet? I don't know! Am I supposed to separate my lashes with tweezers? I wouldn't mind seeing Jane's review of it.
The engagement story is cute, but if I am ever proposed to at a restaurant, I might just cringe a little. Can't we all be a little more creative? Put a little more thought into it?
LW1: Ahhh this makes me sick. Your boyfriend wants to live the single life and still come home to his girlfriend. It's not your fault, but it will be if you allow this to continue. Break up for awhile, if not forever. It sounds like he needs some time to grow up, and you need some time to figure out what truly makes a boyfriend wonderful.