By oopsydaisy on Brain Trouble
A few years ago I had my wisdom teeth taken out. Because of the angle they were erupting at, they cracked two adjacent molars, which also had to be extracted. Months later, I developed really odd tooth sensitivity and jaw pain. The pain could be triggered by hot or cold temperatures, by vigorous exercise, by stress, and sometimes there didn't appear to be a trigger at all. The pain was completely unbearable, like, not something you could just take an aspirin or two for and get on with your life. At one point I was taking so much ibuprofen that I seriously started to worry about liver damage.
For whatever reason, I haven't had an attack in about a year. But the whole experience, from the pain itself, to my inability to treat and manage it, was a nightmare. Doctors and dentists couldn't find the source of the pain and probably thought I was nuts. Somebody recommended antidepressants.
The only two things that worked were: marijuana (lots of it!) and capsacin applied at my temples. I always keep both items on hand in case I ever get another attack. During the times when the pain was really, really bad, I developed a lot of sympathy for people who suffer from migraines. Unless you experience a condition like that, where the pain is spontaneous, unmanageable, and crippling, it's hard to understand just how serious it is.
By I'm Right on Top of that, Rose on "The digital porn guy wants a fantasy that doesn’t exist, but the postfeminist girl wants one as well"
@queenofbithynia I'd like to sit next to you at lunch.
By queenofbithynia on "The digital porn guy wants a fantasy that doesn’t exist, but the postfeminist girl wants one as well"
This supposed bind that men are in, from the last quoted paragraph, is nothing like the virgin/whore complex, which has sort of diffused all over the place in common usage but still means one of two basic things: either, A, men want a woman to be one or the other of those things, there are two kinds of women, you have to be one of them and you can't be both, or, B, you CAN be both at once and indeed have to be, because the knowledge that you are performing an uncomfortable role for a man is his primary erotic motivator and expecting you to be two contradictory things at once ensures that you are always in the wrong, which is the primary function of paradoxical female archetypes in the public imagination.
So this bears no similarity to the male dichotomy that's posited, because the thing about the virgin/whore thing is both roles appeal to the same audience -- men -- and even both to the same man, very possibly, consecutively or concurrently.
Whereas these dual roles for men, nice human being and horrible fuck, are not two sides of the same coin in that way -- only one of them is something that women as a faceless mass expect or desire (and it isn't an unattainable fantasy role, either, for that matter.) The other one is an image sold to men only, not sold to women as something they are entitled to find. It is what men are told that they want, not what they are told women want from them. You could say this is more insidious but it definitely isn't the same issue. Two different sets of people wanting two different sets of things from you is not an insoluble dilemma; it isn't even a dilemma.
@justjoined) i wasn't going to jump in, because you all are doing so well, but i would point out that none of these conversations were initiated by Jia, and were she to keep the conversation to 'their level' (now who is being condescending?) that would have been dishonest and manipulative in so many ways. not to mention totally boring.
@justjoined) You know what's really overused? Men telling women to change the way they act so they can be more comfortable. So they don't have to feel stupid! So they can "make friends."
Jia "busting out a whole paragraph" isn't arrogance. It's her voicing a well-informed opinion relevant to the conversation. The other options: keeping her mouth shut? humoring him by praising him? dumbing herself down so to not "make them feel stupid" by comparison? Are you kidding me?
@rathermarvelous I love to just go to a bar with a book by myself...but sadly do not often, because I allllwaaayyyss end up getting hit on, no matter how much resting bitchface I try to project. Because once a dude starts chatting to me, I get that brief instant of hoping "hey, maybe dude just wants some basic human connection," and when he leaves at the first mention of Mr. Shart, I feel all angry-relieved-sad and that's too much to process when all I want is some damn whiskey and some damn literature.
I realize this is a very privileged sort of complaint (UUUGHHH I'm too pretty and too nice!) but I know you ladies feel me. *fistbump*
@RoxxieRae "Hey, I noticed you have skin."
@justjoined) It strikes me -- and this is just my opinion here -- that telling someone to "tone down" any aspect of their writing style, to better suit your specific reading style, makes you sound like a bit of a knob. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but hey.
A great read. As is typical, the comments are smart, honest and insightful. This is a good gut check for any male trying to mitigate the influence of deeply seated sexism in all of its various forms. I would hazard a guess casual sexism is but one of the clumsy attitudes these "dudebros" express.
@honey cowl The more you try the easier it gets! It's so frustrating to try and articulate this stuff at first, but if you start doing it in friendly circles, you get better and pointing out sexist (and racist and classist and abelist and homophobic and transphobic and on and on and on) stuff in a way that isn't so confrontational it makes people freak it out, and isn't so weak-willed that they don't have to think about what you're saying.