@juniper I am in Seattle! Let's get drinks! Do you have a non-identifying email you could share? (I don't, but I can make one.)
Wow, this was a really great read! I am adopted too. I am a very lucky person and my adoptive parents are incredible. My birth father found me on facebook and he is so cool and smart and funny and thoughtful, but there’s something that keeps me from contacting regularly with him. He seems really into it and sends me thoughtful messages, and then I keep getting scared or I don’t know what to say and I wait like 6 months or longer before remembering to send him something back. It’s a source of stress because I think it would be really nice to have a relationship with him but I have no idea how or what I should say. Maybe it’s just the medium of trading facebook messages? And I think I found my birth mother on Facebook but since she didn’t contact me first I am terrified about contacting her. I always read about people who are so eager to find their birth parents but it makes me so nervous and I can’t make myself move forward and try to build relationships. I think that’s because I have no idea what the relationships would be like!
@E, @WinteronMars, LW3, yeah, exactly, excellent points.
I got married one week after I graduated from college, to the boy I'd been with since senior year of high school. We had devoted 5 years together! We had endured LDR ups and downs! We had each been hurt and been hurtful! We we sure we had seen it all and were soulmates and we had full buy in from our friends and families on our early marriage. Marrying him was a very happy thing and a big deal in my life.
It went completely to hell after four years of marriage, and we divorced after five. This is not to generalize to predict your outcome, at all-- our relationship curdled because of a confluence of gut-wrenching family circumstances, bad communication habits, and struggles with irreconcilable expectations that hadn't seemed like a big deal when we were younger. We were not good at being together like adults but we had become so habituated to one another that for years we failed to imagine that we could be better off apart.
I grew tremendously over the course of our love and even its protracted end stage was a valuable experience for me, in retrospect. Now, six years later, I don't think of it as a failed marriage or as wasted time, just a thing I did that taught me a lot about how I want to contribute to lives of the people in my life. I am now married to someone who is honest and kind and smart and a perfectly wonderful partner, and I am a better at most aspects of life because of what I learned from my first marriage.
The desire to better your chances at success by picking the right time to wed is thoughtful, reasonable and admirable- but whatever (and whomever) you pick you can't guarantee any specific form for your future.
With my experiences in mind, I'd say just love him, go marry him, live through your choices and the accidents of your life, and see what happens next. I wish you a lot of happiness, however you proceed!