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On The Online Dating Lorem Ipsum Text Generator

I appreciate the whimsy of this, but I would straight-up hate on anyone who actually used this for their profile. I have had enough of your stream-of-consciousness text blocks, men of the internet. You are ruining internet dating.

Other people who are ruining internet dating: people who fuck with their stats/claim to be 8'11" and "graduated from space camp" so you can't search by height or whatever (I'M A GIANT DON'T JUDGE ME), people who message you "hey" and them delete their profile within hours/before you receive it (WHAT DO YOU WANT?), people who have no pictures of their face and claim this is because they are "kind of a big deal" (NO YOU'RE NOT), human men.

Posted on August 20, 2013 at 4:24 pm 0

On Orange Is the New Black Is the New House of Cards

@Tafadhali Well, she went to Smith, and she corrects her friend's assumption that one can "turn gay" with a short explanation about the Kinsey scale, so I'm pretty sure she knows bisexuality exists. What I found interesting was the gendered implications of blurring sex/intimacy/friendship. The classic cliche is that men don't connect sex and love, and women can't separate them. For Piper, at least, that seems to be true.

Posted on July 16, 2013 at 12:52 pm 0

On A Brief Encounter With Jane, the Queen of Chicago

I'm grinchily pleased to find others who share my unshakeable dislike of Wordsworth. He's the novelty wide-mouth singing bass of Romantic poets.

Posted on July 12, 2013 at 1:43 pm 13

On Did We Live Up To Our Yearbook Pages?

@meetapossum I regret not going to my 10-year reunion! I made a conscious decision not to go, because I realized (a) the only people I liked from high school I was still in touch with (b) my desire to go was 100% based on a 80s movie fantasy of dazzling my dectrators with my beauty and success. While I am vastly improved since high school (it would be impossible not to be), this struck me as a petty motivation to go to the reunion, unworthy of the successful, higher-minded person I have become.

I regret becoming a higher-minded, nobler person. I prefer the revenge fantasy. I have a feeling my nearly-complete doctorate in an obscure academic discipline would have showed them all they were wrong about me!

Posted on June 28, 2013 at 8:12 pm 1

On Did We Live Up To Our Yearbook Pages?

Intellectually, I am grateful to be late-bloomer. But sometimes I see one of those coltish limbed glossy-haired teens with an intuitive sense for which parts of themselves to leverage and which to conceal, and I smother a little stab of regret.

In case you were wondering, yes, I am Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.

Posted on June 28, 2013 at 8:04 pm 5

On The Marriage Pie

I feel like the percentages would change if this were not completely abstract-- with regards to a specific person I'm sure there'd be a few token points towards "Totally in love with so-and-so's face." But in the abstract sense, 100% register for gifts. That is the kind of tradition my mercenary little soul can get behind.

Posted on June 27, 2013 at 6:14 pm 1

On You're One in Eight Million

@cheerybeggar Totally allowed! I'm trying to think of how to say this without sounding tokenizing, but there's a gay guy who comes to lots of Hairpin meetups by me and he is the best. One woman's opinion.

Posted on June 27, 2013 at 6:06 pm 1

On You're One in Eight Million

I met at least 75% of my LA friends, directly and indirectly, through a couple of different Hairpin meetups. True story!

Posted on June 27, 2013 at 6:04 pm 2

On Other People's Kids, Homes

@bluewindgirl Not *our* children, but someone else's children, probably :( Seriously, once a shirt I bought at Forever21 started to disintegrate, and my first aggrieved thought was 'goddamn shoddy child labor!' (My second thought was that I am a terrible person.)

In America, psychologically destroying our child actors acts as a kind of burnt offering, a sacrifice on the altar of our first-world guilt and self-loathing, a la The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas.

Posted on May 8, 2013 at 8:24 pm 0

On Other People's Kids, Homes

Recent studies have shown that middle-class American parents are basically the most permissive and indulgent parents in the world: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304450004577277482565674646.html#

I'm tempted to advance an academic argument here: the idea of childhood has always been imaginatively created and curated by adults, and the current Western conception of childhood as a privileged time of innocence, freedom, and exploration (rather than sinfulness, vulnerability to disease, and dependency/labor source) is only a couple of hundred years old, and really came into its own during the Victorian era/late modern period. "Childhood" emerges as a relative category, a foil to help us understand adulthood. We expect childhood to be the opposite of adulthood, a time to indulge in all the things we are subsequently expected to reject and leave behind. So basically, parents who themselves feel constrained by their choices, burdened with unfulfilling work, and constantly policed/judged by social expectations to be clean, orderly, and respectful will permit their children to do the opposite in order to vicariously live through them.

Also there's always the terrifying possibility that your child will grow up and write one of those tell-all memoirs describing the torturous way you made them pick up their own toys. Give them whatever they want!

Posted on May 7, 2013 at 3:36 pm 21