On 8 Headlines That Sound Like Upworthy, But Are Simply Attempts To Express My Withering Contempt For That Collective of Neo-Liberal Douchebags
I always close those screens without answering ON PRINCIPLE. But I would genuinely like someone to explain what those "surveys" accomplish! Is it just to give you a nice smug glow at agreeing with a statement that only serial puppy murderers would disagree with? Or are they counting our clicks for some nefarious purpose?
I appreciate the whimsy of this, but I would straight-up hate on anyone who actually used this for their profile. I have had enough of your stream-of-consciousness text blocks, men of the internet. You are ruining internet dating.
Other people who are ruining internet dating: people who fuck with their stats/claim to be 8'11" and "graduated from space camp" so you can't search by height or whatever (I'M A GIANT DON'T JUDGE ME), people who message you "hey" and them delete their profile within hours/before you receive it (WHAT DO YOU WANT?), people who have no pictures of their face and claim this is because they are "kind of a big deal" (NO YOU'RE NOT), human men.
@Tafadhali Well, she went to Smith, and she corrects her friend's assumption that one can "turn gay" with a short explanation about the Kinsey scale, so I'm pretty sure she knows bisexuality exists. What I found interesting was the gendered implications of blurring sex/intimacy/friendship. The classic cliche is that men don't connect sex and love, and women can't separate them. For Piper, at least, that seems to be true.
I'm grinchily pleased to find others who share my unshakeable dislike of Wordsworth. He's the novelty wide-mouth singing bass of Romantic poets.
@meetapossum I regret not going to my 10-year reunion! I made a conscious decision not to go, because I realized (a) the only people I liked from high school I was still in touch with (b) my desire to go was 100% based on a 80s movie fantasy of dazzling my dectrators with my beauty and success. While I am vastly improved since high school (it would be impossible not to be), this struck me as a petty motivation to go to the reunion, unworthy of the successful, higher-minded person I have become.
I regret becoming a higher-minded, nobler person. I prefer the revenge fantasy. I have a feeling my nearly-complete doctorate in an obscure academic discipline would have showed them all they were wrong about me!
Intellectually, I am grateful to be late-bloomer. But sometimes I see one of those coltish limbed glossy-haired teens with an intuitive sense for which parts of themselves to leverage and which to conceal, and I smother a little stab of regret.
In case you were wondering, yes, I am Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.
I feel like the percentages would change if this were not completely abstract-- with regards to a specific person I'm sure there'd be a few token points towards "Totally in love with so-and-so's face." But in the abstract sense, 100% register for gifts. That is the kind of tradition my mercenary little soul can get behind.
@cheerybeggar Totally allowed! I'm trying to think of how to say this without sounding tokenizing, but there's a gay guy who comes to lots of Hairpin meetups by me and he is the best. One woman's opinion.
I met at least 75% of my LA friends, directly and indirectly, through a couple of different Hairpin meetups. True story!
@bluewindgirl Not *our* children, but someone else's children, probably :( Seriously, once a shirt I bought at Forever21 started to disintegrate, and my first aggrieved thought was 'goddamn shoddy child labor!' (My second thought was that I am a terrible person.)
In America, psychologically destroying our child actors acts as a kind of burnt offering, a sacrifice on the altar of our first-world guilt and self-loathing, a la The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas.