Best lesbian horror? HIGH TENSION! Of course....
@liverwortlaura I will look into EFT, I've decided that no matter what the outcome I will go through counseling with him until we are both satisfied with the progress or closure that we need to get over the trauma to our relationship. I agree with you that so much of this quandary is identifying the cause and nature of this "addiction", this involves a lot of learning for me as I am a 100% monogamous partner untempted by sex outside of him. It's easy to classify it as 'only cheating' and therefore is so crushing and hurtful but the things he was doing were so outside of his character and so secretive and gross that it leads me to believe that there is a compulsive factor at play. @fiddle-dee-dee Your advice is so good and thanks. I don't know why, when I am so angry and upset and destroyed, that I want to be close to him right now. I am alone now though, as he left in a hurry yesterday afternoon, all bristles and craziness, claiming that he did not feel safe and he needed to be alone. Fair enough. As for the parents, yes - I am no longer talking about 'it' with them, I am back home in the city - they are checking in because they worry about me but we all agreed that this next phase is for me and the dude to attack alone. It was just poor (actually in hindsight, great) timing that this pandoras box opened up while we were visiting the parents in the countryside therefore their involvement was implied (we had nowhere to go). It is so difficult to listen to myself when "myself" was the one who's judgement was so blind to engage in a relationship with a serial cheater. I hear you, though, and am trying my best to trust my heart, my brain, and treat him with respect through this. None of this punishing 'eye for an eye' business, @bloodrocuted Yes, the LYING! Thanks for pointing this out. In fact, I'm way more concerned about this than I am about his actual actions. We will determine what the deal is with whether or not it is a classified 'addiction' or 'only cheating' through counseling, but this does not make the hair raising feeling go away that he has been living out our purportedly "faithful" relationship in complete deception. and that it was good and gentle and with open (HA, I KNOW!) dialogue and trust and joy. This is the big head fuck for me.
THANKS for your kind and insightful words. Could I have wine with friends I would, but as a recent expat in a foreign country this is.... Not really possible, I must pass through this fire alone. (though my sister sure is getting an earful on the phone, thanks Skype) You guys are great :)
OK Pinners. This is a grief-rant form a part time lurker, longtime reader of the Hairpin. So, here's the deal. My fiancé of two months, serious boyfriend of 1 and 1/2 years just admitted to his repeated infidelity - with mostly some kind of prostitute/massage happy ending therapists. He says that he has been engaging in this secretive behaviour for years (10+) and that he is and has always been ashamed of it and wants to change, to stop, to heal. During the time we've been together there has been at LEAST 10 separate occasions when he has committed some kind of fuckery with a whore. We have always operated under the mutually agreed upon premis that we are exclusive and monogamous, there has never been any discussion about either one of us fucking outside of our union. I am in love with him, our relationship is (was)magical and stellar, sex life healthy and generous, In short: both of us have experienced the soul quenching feeling of finding a life partner in each other. The news of his infidelity came out two days ago, whilst we were staying with his parents (I just casually and playfully accused him of sleeping with a whore, he then broke down and admitted all) - they (parents)became involved in 'counseling' us and this resulted in the fiancée having a serious cathartic breakdown and all of us sobbing and mourning together. His parents love me too and are very much 'on my side' - this is the first time he has admitted his issues to anyone, let alone to his whole family and wife to be. We are going to a counselor tomorrow to have a safe place to talk (because I am afraid that I will resort to physical violence if we try talking alone). Meanwhile we are sleeping in the same house(diff bedrooms natch) and I have been communicating only the most essential items (like, can you get milk from the store...etc) I could go on and on with the this and that of the whole thing, and Pinners, I humbly request your advice and links. I have spent the last four hours or so scouring the advice on the Internet and am so not good at filtering out the "ask.com-esque",'guuurl, you betta c someone new cuz that dude is whack' kind of inane unhelpful web forum blather. Truth is, I'm considering working through this, I love him and hurt for him and were I just his 'friend' would open myself to help him through this damaging affliction. But I haven't a clue where to begin. 1) Is 'sex addiction' a thing? 2)Has anyone ever stopped cheating from this type of serial and deep rooted infidelity? 3)Should someone like him go to rehab? 4)All of the other questions in the world.
I've gleaned great wisdom from the wise words within the collective piniverse over the past couple of years. I'm hoping that perhaps some of you will have an interesting perspective, advise, experience with this type of situation. Ooof - this turned out really long, sorry :/. Sending advance thanks.
@Maryaed thanks for getting that song in my head... "living la vida (high paid lawyer) loca"
@mustelid Oh I feel you on that one and hmm fair point. I sense that this letter leaves a lot to question of the reality of LW's life (and wait, what IS the problem? The boy, the fantasies, the living sitch, external depression?) - and now I've interpreted it differently on this re-read. As for alone time while living with the sig other - good for you to manage it so well! This has been #1 issue for me and the reason that the book "Codependent no More is sitting on my nightstand to enforce healthy boundaries :)
@Melusina Precisely what I was thinking. I have, with every partner I've had, often enjoyed mental imagery during sexy times that does not involve the partner in question, their gender, or... sometimes does not involve people at all. I sense that the fact that LW 4 connects her sexy imagery of women to being gay is more of an indicator than the fantasy itself. I distressed for ages about 'being more gay than bi' and it only stopped when I finally gave jnto the fantasys and urges, enjoyed my sometimes freaky self, and had FUN. But as for the relationship, yessss, QC spoke the truth with, "sad and crying all of the time = should not be living with dude"....
@Bittersweet @dabbyfanny Thanks! Go Secret Ninja Fiance's! (go quietly and stealthily)
Well. I was just proposed to (him on one knee and all) completely by surprise last week and given a ring that he picked out without any guidance and nothing to work from because I own no jewelry. None. I am about as non patriarchal as they come with strong feminist roots to boot but I'll be damned if I didn't say yes through my surprised happy tears, now love wearing the ring, and am happily planning a party with him. To me, the best part is that I look at the ring on my finger and see this thing that he got for me, in good taste and not too expensive, as a celebration of love. Also, he wants a ring on his finger now too and thinks it's unfair that only I get one until the wedding - we both agree that the engagement ring idea is a little silly but he enjoyed the secret ninja quest for ring and I enjoyed the surprise. I think I would have balked at the concept of, "so let's get engaged and now you can go select something for me to give to you to symbolize this, at an unknown price range" - I was rather (and pleasantly so) taken by the confidence of my dude.
On !!! (!!!!!!)
@Peas nothankyou I was really excited because I remember a hairpin post where the Period takes you shopping and I thought this was 'Further adventures of Period...'. I'm disappointed, yes.