Quantcast

15 Lesser-Known Things To Say To A Dress

1. “Can I put jeans under you?”

2. “How come I can’t be the ring bearer?”

3. “Why don’t you have any pockets?”

4. “I look like when people clothe their pets.”

5. “Of course, my legs feel pleasantly unfettered—which is really just one more cruel betrayal. Stop trying to worm your way into my heart, you silky sonofabitch. Everything about this feels forced and unnatural. But perhaps that’s the idea—maybe the secret no one tells is that you have to force yourself. Maybe I can learn to love you?”

6. “You were the wrong thing to wear to the first day of junior high.”

7. “Every shimmer, every time this al dente spaghetti strap fails to maintain its position, every restricted breath I take, hardens me against you.”

8. “Despite my love for dancing, my friends, and the entire concept and execution of the theme “Time After Time”—I don’t want to be at this prom. Well I do, just not with you. I’m sorry; I know that’s mean. I don’ t want to hurt you, but also you technically don’t have the ability to feel emotions because you’re just a piece of clothing.”

9. “You never listen to me.”

10. “That is an unreasonable place to put a zipper.”

11. “It’s not you, it’s me. Well, it’s also the fact that you’re not an impeccably tailored three-piece suit. Let’s just say we’re not really looking for the same thing.”

12. “Whatever, everyone wants us to be together. I’m tired of fighting, just come here.”

13. “It’s freezing. Please stop exposing so much of my skin. I feel like you’re doing this on purpose. It’s at least a little passive-aggressive. Your fabric is so sheer! What are you even made of, whispers?”

14. “You’ve made me feel like an impostor for too long.”

15. “No.”

 

Previously: 12 Lesser-Known Scented Candles

Laura Jayne Martin lives and writes in New York City. She tweets @laurajaynemart.

12 Lesser-Known Scented Candles

1.) “Over for Care” – Smells just like your ex’s threadbare navy blue t-shirt that you didn’t have to lie about still having because they said they wanted you to keep it. Or they would have, if they’d had the time. READ MORE

Lesser-Known Birthday Party Themes

Is your birthday just around the corner? Are you worried about having the same clichéd theme you’ve always had? Tried and true themes like “luau,” “costume party,” and “casual drinks with a few friends” have become pretty stale. Why not liven up your party with some of these unique gems? These themes will have everyone talking about your extraordinary birthday celebration! READ MORE

A Guide to Finding Sunglasses for Lesser-known Face Shapes

“Face shapes” were invented by advertisers in the 1960s to sell multiple mirrors to the same household. You might remember the commercial: “What’s wrong, Billy?” “Ah shucks, my chin is gone, again.” “There there, son, it's just because you’re using my mirror, and your old dad’s got an oval face! Try this mirror — it's for oblong faces, like yours.” “Oh, there it is. Gee thanks, Dad!” READ MORE

Little-Known Forms of Response Jeopardy! Will Also Accept

Responses in the form of a Trina Rap. READ MORE

Dear Tyler Perry

Dear Mr. Perry, READ MORE