Posts Tagged: winter

Dress Your Family In Your Lover's Shoes

I was asleep on the overnight train from Carbondale to Chicago, dreaming about snuggling with my boyfriend, Sam. I awoke to find myself reaching for my seatmate—a newly released convict who did not want to snuggle.

“No,” he said, crossing his arms. I knew he was a former inmate from his grey sweatpants, matching t-shirt, and prison-issued sneakers. The Pinckneyville Correctional Center is halfway between Southern Illinois and Union Station. The midnight train is the cheapest option for shipping freed men north.

He shook his head. “I don’t cuddle.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. It seemed pointless to explain that I’d thought he was my boyfriend of one [...]


How to Dress for Things You Hate

How to dress for your terrible office job: 

Black pencil skirt, large-print silk blouse, great bangles, tight smile that masks your inner hatred, heels that make your ass look great while people metaphorically try to kiss it.

How to dress for a dreaded double-date:

A dress loose enough that you can sigh easily, comfortable shoes for frequent walks to the bathroom, pockets for easy phone access, necklace for fidgeting.

How to dress for a restaurant job that you got out of desperation after getting fired from your office job you hated:

Black tights with runs in them, empire-waist black dress with cap sleeves and a low neckline, [...]


Ask a Clean Person: Stanky Slippers, Ganky Humidifiers, and Manky Uggs

My husband loves these leather slippers with faux-fur lining, but after about a year, they started to carry an odor. Soon it was so bad that his clean feet would pick up a nasty, lingering foot-stank after just minutes in the slippers. We had no idea how to clean faux fur, let alone faux fur deep down inside a shoe, so we put them in the washing machine, let them get kind of wrecked, called them his "outdoor slippers" (for mail retrieval and trash disposal), and bought a new pair for indoor use. He's been more careful with these new ones — for example, he no longer puts [...]


Let's Work Together To End Winter

February is upon us, and we're in danger of that yearly mood slump recognized in clinical terms as our life not being worth living, which can be worsened by a deficiency in someone to whisk you away from all this. Do we have to just let weather and seasons and years happen to us? I've scoured the web for the best in human weather abatement.

Sure, recently there's been news about weather modified by stuff like chemicals, and companies, and I think airplanes. But I don't have that kind of stuff.

I do have some of the stuff this girl suggests.

Assemble your machine from any [...]


"Now I understand completely. Winter gives me Old Testament vibes"

Alissa Nutting, author of Tampa, wrote a lovely piece for the New York Times about her SAD lamp. "How bad could winter really be?" she'd thought, as a kid living in Florida, seeing families on vacation get giddy from the sun.

Now I understand completely. Winter gives me Old Testament vibes. Every morning over the past few months I would look out my window and think, “What else could this be but a punishment?” I saw the invigorating effect winter had on some members of my community — they were out sledding, throwing snowballs, using the cold to work up an endorphin rush. I watched [...]


How to Make Snowman Deviled Eggs

1. Slice the top and bottom off one hard-boiled egg, horizontally, and the top and bottom off another, vertically, if that makes sense. 


Ask a Clean Person: Something Winter This Way Comes, Part Two

This is so very Cleaning 101, but, cashmere sweaters. Help? I want to know what is a good washing technique for a cashmere sweater. Specifically: what kind of soap? Is Woolite really bunk? I heard it was bunk. If so, what’s better? How long can and should it soak? Mostly: how the hell do I get all the soap out without rubbing or wringing and thereby doing something horrible to it? I don’t think I’m going to shrink it (cold water, right?), but I’m pretty worried about ending up with a nasty felted mess that’s still full of soap detritus. I’ve been sending them to the dry cleaner two [...]


The Bear's Approach to Winter: Pros and Cons

Pro: Getting thick with "an epic period of late-summer gorging, during which, every day, a bear may consume more than 50,000 calories and gain up to 16 pounds"

Con: Subsequently having to fast for up to seven months

Pro: Getting to be mostly asleep that whole time

Pro or Con, Up to You: No "drinking, urinating or defecating" either

Con: Acute kidney failure and punishing levels of insulin resistance

Pro: Bodily conditions that would pose fatal threats in a human are swiftly and harmlessly reversed for the bear in springtime

Con: "Perpetually high cholesterol"

Pro: Your genetic adaptations may hold important clues for human obesity

Pro: You're a grizzly bear



Red Lentil and Sriracha Soup

Every fall I start to crave this soup again. It’s one of my go-to cold weather comfort dishes, which I think has something to do with the fall colors — the pale orange lentils, the red and ochre and green gold of the spices, the red-hot Sriracha and cool sweet tomato. The heady smell of curry rushes through the house, infiltrating every corner of every room. You can’t escape it. But why would you want to?

Although this soup tastes complex, it’s almost unfairly easy to make. What, you don’t have cumin, curry, paprika, or turmeric in your home? Just add another swirl of Sriracha, no one ever needs to know. [...]


Sex, the Weather, and You

This snowy weather is making us have more sex, the same amount of sex, or less sex. May we all be on the part of the pie chart we want to be on. Even if it's just the white part.

Or even if it's down here, on the light-green part outside of the pie chart.