Posts Tagged: whimsy
5

In Case of Emergency

Hello. Since you’re looking at the emergency contact list on my phone, I must be in pretty rough shape—thanks for helping! Not to be a complete pain (and if it appears that I am in excruciating pain please skip to number seven), but following the guidelines below will ensure the best outcome possible.

1. If I am unconscious because of an accident, please call my mother (“Mom”). She has been expecting this phone call for years. If she does not answer, please call my boyfriend (“Andrew”).

2. If I am passed out in a bar and you found my phone because we were flirting or exchanging numbers when I lost [...]

8

Songs That Belong in Erectile Dysfunction Medication Commercials

10 Songs For Your Limp Dick

1. "Stutter," Elastica

2. "I Just Don’t Know What to Do with Myself," Dusty Springfield

3. "Under Pressure," David Bowie, Queen

4. "(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction," The Rolling Stones

5. "Patience," Guns N’ Roses

3

"Jolene," Revised

An alternate take on the beloved Dolly Parton song.

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene I'm begging of you please don't take my man Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene Please don’t take him just because you haven’t considered all your options

Your beauty is beyond compare With flaming locks of auburn hair With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

Your smile is like a breath of spring Your voice is soft like summer rain Please don’t hang up Jolene

He talks about you in his sleep But people have started noticing I’m always working your name into conversation, Jolene

And I can easily understand If you don’t feel comfortable because [...]

7

Stores Your Dad Hates

Whole Paycheck

Neiman Mark-Up

Lacoste an Arm and a Leg

Bed, Bath and Beyond Our Means

L.L. Bein' Bothered When I'm Trying to Watch the Game!

Bath and Body Works Hard All Day Just to Come Home and Hear Your Nagging

Gap Kids Are All Disappointments

S.O.L. Schwarz

Macy's

 

Jake and Alison were classmates at the University of Chicago Get a Job and Work for a Living.

6

My Struggle Bingo

Instructions:

13

What Kind of Bird Are You?

Birds are basically everything that we as women want to be: elegant, well-traveled, and nearly weightless. Plus, people are always watching them: you can’t even find a store selling adorable clothes and jewelry without at least one item with a bird on it. But how do you know what kind of feathered femme fatale is the most like you? Take this super fun bird personality quiz and find out!

1. What is your dream dinner?

a. Pizza in between day drinking and night drinking. b. Green salad and egg white omelet in a take-out container at my desk at 2 a.m. c. A mixture of quinoa with raisins and fresh [...]

9

Better Chipotle Cups

"Starting Thursday, VF Daily can exclusively reveal, bags and cups in Chipotle’s stores will be adorned with original text by [Jonathan Safran] Foer, Malcolm Gladwell, Toni Morrison, George Saunders, and Vanity Fair contributing editor Michael Lewis… 'I selected the writers, and insofar as there was any editing, I did it,' Foer said. 'I tried to put together a somewhat eclectic group, in terms of styles. I wanted some that were essayistic, some fiction, some things that were funny, and somewhat thought provoking.'" -VanityFair.com

Some additional suggestions for Foer's consideration below.

1

Flopping

3

New Birkenstock Styles for Summer

5

My Eulogy According to My Amazon.com Orders

Dayna was a great woman, a kind woman. Some might say a generous woman. Her generosity showed when she ordered a dozen or whatever blue orchids on Amazon the day before Mother's Day and forgot to write in the "Do you want to attach a note?" box. Her mother was thrilled by the flowers, but confused by their delivery.

"Who sent these to me?" her mother had wondered. "There's no note attached."

Dayna was unreachable by phone that day because the used phone charger she had ordered from iXCC, $3.99 shipping, had not arrived yet. She kept missing the delivery. Her phone was dead so she couldn't call USPS to [...]