Hello. Since you’re looking at the emergency contact list on my phone, I must be in pretty rough shape—thanks for helping! Not to be a complete pain (and if it appears that I am in excruciating pain please skip to number seven), but following the guidelines below will ensure the best outcome possible.
1. If I am unconscious because of an accident, please call my mother (“Mom”). She has been expecting this phone call for years. If she does not answer, please call my boyfriend (“Andrew”).
2. If I am passed out in a bar and you found my phone because we were flirting or exchanging numbers when I lost [...]
10 Songs For Your Limp Dick
1. "Stutter," Elastica
2. "I Just Don’t Know What to Do with Myself," Dusty Springfield
3. "Under Pressure," David Bowie, Queen
4. "(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction," The Rolling Stones
5. "Patience," Guns N’ Roses
An alternate take on the beloved Dolly Parton song.
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene I'm begging of you please don't take my man Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene Please don’t take him just because you haven’t considered all your options
Your beauty is beyond compare With flaming locks of auburn hair With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green
Your smile is like a breath of spring Your voice is soft like summer rain Please don’t hang up Jolene
He talks about you in his sleep But people have started noticing I’m always working your name into conversation, Jolene
And I can easily understand If you don’t feel comfortable because [...]
Lacoste an Arm and a Leg
Bed, Bath and Beyond Our Means
L.L. Bein' Bothered When I'm Trying to Watch the Game!
Bath and Body Works Hard All Day Just to Come Home and Hear Your Nagging
Gap Kids Are All Disappointments
Jake and Alison were classmates at the University of Chicago Get a Job and Work for a Living.