Posts Tagged: texting
29

Dude Text Decoded

We dudes can be a confusing, emotionally constipated, nearly-illiterate group of horndogs with smartphones. And since it’s 2014 and most people are paralyzed by the idea of speaking into a phone receiver, we must fumble our path to fornication via cryptic texts which barely constitute as flirting, let alone communication, most of the time.

But hey! I’m a dumb dude with thumbs and a libido! So let me pull back the Old Spice-scented curtain and let you peek inside the mind of the modern bro’s texting intentions:

hey = I am scared, unfathomably scared.

sup? = Please do not discover my insane insecurities, I do not feel cool. Ever.

[...]
28

Reading Between The Texts: Sexting, Sort Of. (?)

The Texts

B: Dinner this week? Him: I didnt think i would hear from you again.. haha, Im availble early next week B: You need to have more self-confidence boy! Him: haha

The Analysis

K: Haha. You called him ‘boy.’ B: Guys love that. I think. K: The few times I’ve been called ‘lady’ I liked it so much it was almost a problem, so I can see that. Although maybe the reverse is ‘sir’ and in this case it’s more like you are like his stern but ultimately kindhearted grandmother. Or maybe it is really cool and he was like “whoa.” Anywayyy, what happened after? B: Nothing. [...]

73

Jennnnnniferrrrrr-ahhh!

Jen Doll addresses textual elongaaation. JennnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNN!!!!

50

Texts From Don Quixote

Dulcinea DULCINEA BESTIR YOURSELF dragons - dragons everywhere -

where are there dragons? where are you? 

I am beset by dragons, my love! there has been perfidy in this strange land of iron islands and wraiths that drape themselves in steam

are you in the kitchen?

no kitchen could produce a bellow so terrifying nor a stench so foul as that of these steel dragons 

5

Illustrated Outgoing Texts: Chapter 1

1

Girl Are You Mad Because I See That Text Ended With a Period

"An American University study of college students’ texting and instant messaging habits found they only used sentence-final punctuation 39 percent of the time in texts and 45 percent of the time in online chats. The percentages were even lower for “transmission-final punctuation”: 29 percent for texts and 35 percent for IMs." Periods are apparently falling out of style because they signify anger and/or over-commitment to your words. The cause of this seems much more "Pure Laziness" than "The Way We Wish to Signify Our Emotional Lives Now Is Changing In Any Remarkable Way," but also I just went through my text messages and none of them end with periods and [...]

233

Texts From Pride and Prejudice

And you must see to it that your sister invites Mr. Bingley, Lizzie  He isn’t here, Mother Isn’t here?  he must be here the ball is in seven days and if he is not here then how will we convince our Mr. Darcy to attend? Mr. Darcy is not here either no? but I thought he was in London for business and would return in time for the ball No he is not in London he is on a ship he is going to war but this is terrible news  There is an actual war on right now against Napoleon how could this have happened?? He was commissioned months ago [...]

27

I Will Not Soak It In

Last Monday I was on the Willie L. Brown Jr. Bridge, formerly known as the Bay Bridge, on the Amtrak bus. I was very high up and it was a beautiful afternoon—blue skies, sailboats, and the bridges brand-new steel symmetry were all working together in a magical way. On a scale from 1 to 10, I’d say my mood was about a 7, which is very good for me. At one point I started to text my friend, and then I looked around and saw that everyone on the bus—every single person—was looking at their phone. I said to myself, I am not going to be one of those people. [...]

144

Reading Between the Texts: Is THIS Flirting?

The Text

Him: Nice job today. My teeth feel very clean.

The Analysis

K: Uhhhhhhhh gross? C: He was my practice patient in lab earlier. For, like, a cleaning. K: What? Did you FLOSS him?? C: Um, yesss … K: I don’t know how you can think about kissing him anymore. Or even talk to him. After your hands were in his mouth. As a dentist I would be too embarrassed to see any patient more than once I think. C: Well anyway, in between the various cleaning tools or whatever he was teasing me, SORT of? By like, making fun of Chicago. He was like, “Your hometown is the [...]

73

Cosmo's "Hottest Texts to Send a Guy," Edited

"Fire off one of these very naughty 160-or-fewer-characters messages and your man will drop whatever he's doing to come see you."

At work having very NSFW thoughts about throwing you down on my desk …

At my physical therapy appt having very NSFPT thoughts about throwing you down! I wish you were injured, too. I feel like you've been distant since the accident. 

***

See if you can decipher this abbreviation: OMG IWUIM

See if you can decipher this abbreviation: OMG IWUIM

Hello?

No guesses?

It means Oh My God I Want Uterine Infection Meds 

Hello?