After the jump, the GIF that shows how close the American women were to winning gold in today's hockey final. The goal on the open net would've put the U.S. up 3-1 with just a few minutes remaining in regulation; instead the puck hit the post, rather improbably, and Canada tied it up and won in overtime. Congrats to our neighbors to the north, I GUESS.
Previously: The Fur Pie
Ann Friedman is BRB inventing and constructing a snack luge.
Team USA's Opening Ceremony uniforms, designed once again by Ralph Lauren, were unveiled on Today this morning, and they're… well, OK, they're like if your grandma's sweater chest inhaled an American flag and cross country ski boots from the '80s and washed it all down with a plastic handle of vodka and then threw up into the mold of U.S. hockey player Julie Chu. (And the sweater is just $598.) I propose the following palate cleanser: go watch Jason Brown's routine from the U.S. Figure Skating Championships a couple of weeks ago. Do it, like, five times in a row. It won't get old. [Today]
OK, this is the best: Sir David Attenborough agreed to narrate a curling match as if it were a scene from Planet Earth: "And off she goes, gently but flamboyantly launching the oversized walnut down the frozen river." This sport somehow makes more sense now? [via]
CURLING (Into A Ball)
Ten points if you do it for an hour.
A thousand points if you don't leave bed all weekend.
Gold medal for you if you quit your job, sell that gold medal, invest in the bond market, gain wealth, thereby proliferating more gold. This will translate to happiness. Mail your teenage nephew red Beats by Dre headphones for his "domepiece." This is a successful game of curling (into a ball).
A brash alarm begins its unforgiving beep. It's the morning; dawn peeks through your window.
"It's all downhill from here," you say.
Punch someone! Reflect on how weak you are! [...]