Katie Heaney's book, Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date is out today from Grand Central. In it, Katie, an editor at BuzzFeed who's also responsible for this site's "Reading Between the Texts" series, recounts her experiences—or lack thereof—with the opposite sex, from childhood to the age of 25. What comes through is not an absence of relationships, however, so much as the presence and importance of the deep, abiding friendships she's formed over the years. And amid the humor and tongue-in-cheek self-deprecation, there's also a hearty message of empowerment to all women to be who they are, and not necessarily what society expects [...]
2:30 a.m. Him: I find myself still attracted to you but I’m glad I was able to come talk to you tonight. R: Well I’ll always have a little crush on you too, but I’m glad we could talk and that you’re happy. Him: If I’m honest I don’t know if I would have had the resolve to say no if the attempt had been made to take things further.
9:20 a.m. Him: But you can do way better.
K: Hahahahaha wow I am going to slay the whole solar system. R: We seriously never have a punching bag around here, anywhere. K: I can’t [...]
The Texts Him: “Merry Christmas! ” B: “Thanks you too, btw who is this?” Him: “It’s ______, how have you been?” B: “Oh RIGHT, good! How about you?” Him: “Good. ”
The Analysis B: Ugh, I cannot take another year of this. K: What do you mean? He sends you that every year? With all the smileys and everything?? B: Yes! Every Christmas he texts me and I put his number back in my phone. And then EVERY year I take it back out, and then the whole thing happens all over again. It’s like the Matrix, practically! K: Or Inception!! B: Yeah. I mean, I didn’t see either [...]
B: Dinner this week? Him: I didnt think i would hear from you again.. haha, Im availble early next week B: You need to have more self-confidence boy! Him: haha
K: Haha. You called him ‘boy.’ B: Guys love that. I think. K: The few times I’ve been called ‘lady’ I liked it so much it was almost a problem, so I can see that. Although maybe the reverse is ‘sir’ and in this case it’s more like you are like his stern but ultimately kindhearted grandmother. Or maybe it is really cool and he was like “whoa.” Anywayyy, what happened after? B: Nothing. [...]
Him: Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment? M: Yes. Him: Might I ask what your results were? M: INTJ. Him: That's what I surmised. M: Haha…why? Him: I noticed in class that your lower jaw is slack during class, and INTJs typically have underdeveloped facial muscles.
K: I’m just going to very quickly grab a butcher knife. I’ve seen like six episodes of CSI that start this way. M: I know. I’m SO glad I know karate. I mean … it’s probably fine, I just think he’s never actually interacted with another human being before, ever in his life. K: No kidding. He [...]
Him: Nice job today. My teeth feel very clean.
K: Uhhhhhhhh gross? C: He was my practice patient in lab earlier. For, like, a cleaning. K: What? Did you FLOSS him?? C: Um, yesss … K: I don’t know how you can think about kissing him anymore. Or even talk to him. After your hands were in his mouth. As a dentist I would be too embarrassed to see any patient more than once I think. C: Well anyway, in between the various cleaning tools or whatever he was teasing me, SORT of? By like, making fun of Chicago. He was like, “Your hometown is the [...]
Him: So did we make out last Friday? C: Uhhh, hahaha … uh, yes. Him: Okay, I just wanted to let you know that I’m just not looking for anything right now. C: Me neither. We’re on the same page so don’t worry about it. Him: Well, I mean, you’re a very attractive woman but I’m just so busy now that it would be hard.
K: Is this the hot mean neighbor, or the Swedish guy you can’t understand, or the DJ-slash-waiter? C: None of the above. It’s this annoying guy from class who starts every sentence with “Actually.” K: What’s wrong with you? C: [...]