Posts Tagged: qooking with Qream

Qreamed Quorn

There’s a blissful moment that I hope you all get the chance to experience. The bliss, that is, and not what leads up to it. It’s a moment when you’ve just dragged your trash out into the hallway, and your kitchen smells like hot Berry Kix, and your stomach is starting to settle again, when you see that bottle of Qream on your counter and think “I’m done.” That your work, whatever its legacy or reception will be, is finished.

But first, to the beginning.

“Anyway GOOD MORNING!” ended the email I got from Edith at 7 a.m. on a recent Monday, in which she alerted me to the existence [...]


Strawberry Qreamsicles

I currently own two of the three bottles of Qream I have ever seen in person. Is that a bad thing? No. What's a bad thing is that part of me actually likes strawberry Qream. Ahhh who am I? OK, it's not that it tastes good, more that it tastes…nostalgic? In that it tastes either like the Amoxicillin I had to take when I got chronic ear infections or strawberry Nesquik, both of which I loved when I was five. Come to think of it, there may be some correlation there. Anyway, after the last Qream-induced debacle the people spoke for recipes of the strawberry varietal, so it is for [...]



Do you ever have one of those days when you're reading the Internet and all of a sudden there's an article on Qream and you're like, "holy shit I totally saw that in my liquor store on Sunday!"? And then you're strangely compelled to buy this stuff even though a) you hate cream liqueurs, b) you hate the idea of alcohol specifically marketed to women, and c) you have absolutely no idea what you'll do with it once you buy it? Let's say you had one of those days, and now you have this 750 ml THING of lactose-free peach whatever, and Pharell tells you that aside from pouring [...]


Qrafting With Qream

So, you bought some Qream. And then you baked a bunch of stuff with it and made all your friends drink it and now you don't really have friends anymore. Instead, you have this overtly yonic, Louis Vuitton-esque bottle gathering dust on your dresser. You want to hate this bottle. You know you should, because the contents were gross and you should just recycle it and move on with a life of sampling the finer liqueurs out there. But then again, it's sorta pretty, right? It's not just like any other bottle. Maybe it would be a shame to throw it away. Maybe it's time to buy some enamel paint.

Okay, [...]


Peach Qobbler

Qream! It's perfect, right? I mean, after two recipes with Qream substitutions that resulted in relatively successful edibles that weren't all that disgusting, we were starting to think that you could substitute literally anything for Qream and it would turn out great. Cream cheese? Qream cheese! Apple turnover? Qream turnover! Steak au poivre? Qream au poivre! The possibilities are endless. However, this is sadly not the case. Or, it may be the case. We just don't know, because WE MESSED UP. BIG TIME. And with a Paula Deen recipe, no less! (Sorry, Paula!) And we got a peach qobbler that basically looked like peaches bathed in [...]


Qream Qocktail Qontest

If you ever do buy a bottle of Qream, be warned that it does not go away fast enough. It's like something out of a Goosebumps story: the bottle of rancid, liquid cotton-candy that magically refills when you're not looking! And then starts eating your pets! (Not really.) The only solution to this problem is to kill it in one night by inviting over all your friends and testing out some of the "official" Qream qocktail recipes, plus a few you make up on the spot after enough jello shots. (Sidenote: Why did I not think to ever make Qream jello shots?!) Consensus: Qream is the goddamn miracle fruit of [...]


Peach Ice Qream

Having Qream in the kitchen is an incredible investment, something I think is necessary for any urbane household. It's a conversation piece ("I think that milk you poured into a cognac bottle went bad," says your neighbor. "No, that's just Qream, and it's absolutely supposed to look like that!"), and its smell will prevent your cats from ever jumping on the kitchen counter again. Mostly it's a motivator, because if you don't make more stuff with it you're just going to have this most-of-a-bottle-of-Qream sitting next to your espresso machine forever, and soon you'll be too afraid to even touch it and then THE QREAM HAS WON. So, armed with [...]