All of us need to check in with ourselves about our Yonce-worship practices occasionally. Have you sung Bey’s praises lately? Have you updated your personal altar with a fresh candle or worked on your Everything Beyonce Pinterest page? Have you seen this brilliant gourd-based tribute to Her Greatness and thought, “If only I had an MFA and an extra set of thumbs?”
We’re here to help. As great minds in Williamsburg put their skills to work, we in Chicago have been busy brewing up the perfect how-to.
1. I got a new pair of glasses the other day. And people really seem to like these glasses. These glasses are perhaps magic handsome-making glasses. At what point in the complimenting me on my glasses are people flirting with me, if at all? Like after a minute or two? At what point does complimenting become flirting? Like "keep those glasses on and I will love you forever?" Some people maybe just really like glasses. And these glasses perhaps just cover up my other glaring anomalies.
Lol, foureyes. No, but I was thinking about this recently. And you know, honestly, Jim, you do look great in your new glasses, but [...]
1. Live alone.
2. Buy a pumpkin, draw a face on it.
3. Set it by the sink, get out a bowl.
Pumpkin vodka: not that you would, but you could.