One of the most significant romantic relationships in my life started when I was 11. It was the halcyon days of 2002, the same year I became the primary user of my family's Dell desktop computer, and I was in love with an adult man. He was 5'11 and born on January 13th, 1977. His first car was a VW Golf. His favorite ice cream flavor was mint chocolate chip. He quit smoking a year earlier, presumably, to make room for me in his life, because I was vehemently anti-smoking at the time. (I had yet to actually try cigarettes, which, surprise surprise, are delicious.) His movies were [...]
About six months ago, my husband and I decided we hadn't become insufferable enough. Sure, we had abandoned the east coast to find ourselves in Tucson, Arizona. We were living in an adobe house, taking daily shots of apple cider vinegar, and attending yoga workshops featuring the progress mantra music of Blue Spirit Wheel. When a coworker mentioned she needed to find a home for her four chickens, we thought our next logical step was urban chicken farming.
We have a love-hate relationship with our chickens. To put it bluntly, our chickens—Miley, Joan, Denise, and Kanya—are assholes. They have destroyed our backyard, their disgusting fly-magnet poops are everywhere, and they [...]
In the fall of 1997 I arrived to New York University as a college freshman with two priorities. The first: to waste my parents’ money on a theater education. The second: to get drunk.
I accomplished both my goals, although in different ways and for different lengths of time. Which is to say: I wasted that money over the span of four years, but got drunk only once.
•••I never had an alcoholic drink all throughout high school, and that was owed to both (a) a lack of social invitations, and (b) a fear of projectile vomit. While there was an extent to which this disappointed me about myself, there [...]
Best Thing I Transported in a Suitcase This Year: 10 lbs of frozen halibut
Best Thing I Transported in the Back Seat of My Car This Year: One large tumbleweed
Best Thing a Classic Sci-fi Actor Called Me This Year: “Ann Freedom”
Best Thing I Overheard at a Wedding This Year: "He's got moves no grandpa should have.”
“You don’t have to speak Italian, it’s completely fine. Non ti preoccupare.”
The fact that my boss couldn’t get through the entire reassurance in English should have been a tip off. But it wasn’t. I accepted the job, an offer almost too good to be true: myself and my first-ever Serious Boyfriend would be working in Italy for a now-defunct government program that sent Italian government officials’ children away from them for a few weeks every summer.
A regular summer camp in most of its programming, we would teach English for three hours total each day. In return, we would be housed, fed, paid, and free to roam [...]
Imagine if The Nothing from Neverending Story coupled with a bumbling cartoon bear forever getting its head stuck in pots of honey. That’s Milo! Born of the dumpsters, he spent three years living in a well-appointed cat rescue shelter in northeast Portland, passed over (they guessed) because of his age and because he’s black. Superstitions die hard, and more than one shelter volunteer has told me black animals don’t photograph well, their personalities don’t come through so easily. It’s true. In his most expressive photo from the House of Dream’s Instagram account, Milo is mid-silent-meow, and looks not unlike Sloth from The Goonies—which is to say, disoriented and asymmetric.
The Best Time I Said Yes to Everything for a Week and Ended Up Having Bad Sex (Twice), Going Camping and Contracting Shingles
"You know, I’m just really coming from a place of yes,” I confessed out loud to the table, knowing exactly how I sounded, and also that no one would blink in this group of Los Angeles girls who all seemed to be successful in a certain way: the way where jobs were creative, everyone seemed to have free time (the most creative job is no job), and somehow still have money for cheese plates, cigarettes and lots of daytime rosé.
I had moved back to LA after being in Santa Barbara for five years, and I was trying to reestablish a life for myself. I’d never been any good at [...]
The August before I left for my freshman year of college, I received a letter containing my dorm assignment: a two-room double with a girl named Amy. All I know about Amy is from a five minute phone call. She’s from Lawrence, Kansas, and she’s willing to go half on a microwave. All she knows about me is that I'm from New York and can bring the microwave with me. What she’s going to find out is that I am fucking chaos, a fact that, as I prep to leave, all my petty criminal friends are excited about. "Lola, you are going to blow this girl's mind," they [...]
I consider myself fairly crunchy on the “granola” spectrum. I homebrew kombucha, take a lax view toward showers and shampoo, and, yes, bake my own granola. So when I started hearing buzz about menstrual cups – much of the buzz from Hairpinners themselves! – it sounded way up my alley.
(Yes, that is a portent of things to come.)
I am pro-environment and as anti-spending money as the next twenty-something grad student, so I researched the heck out of those little guys. The number of review websites alone will boggle the mind. As usual, though I am totally willing to try new things, and want good information first, [...]