Posts Tagged: personal bests
15

The Best Time I Lubricated My Chicken's Vagina-Butt

About six months ago, my husband and I decided we hadn't become insufferable enough. Sure, we had abandoned the east coast to find ourselves in Tucson, Arizona. We were living in an adobe house, taking daily shots of apple cider vinegar, and attending yoga workshops featuring the progress mantra music of Blue Spirit Wheel. When a coworker mentioned she needed to find a home for her four chickens, we thought our next logical step was urban chicken farming.

We have a love-hate relationship with our chickens. To put it bluntly, our chickens—Miley, Joan, Denise, and Kanya—are assholes. They have destroyed our backyard, their disgusting fly-magnet poops are everywhere, and they [...]

25

The Best (and Worst and Last) Time I Went To a Sorority Party

In the fall of 1997 I arrived to New York University as a college freshman with two priorities. The first: to waste my parents’ money on a theater education. The second: to get drunk.

I accomplished both my goals, although in different ways and for different lengths of time. Which is to say: I wasted that money over the span of four years, but got drunk only once.

•••I never had an alcoholic drink all throughout high school, and that was owed to both (a) a lack of social invitations, and (b) a fear of projectile vomit. While there was an extent to which this disappointed me about myself, there [...]

57

Ann Friedman's Best Things of 2013

Best Thing I Transported in a Suitcase This Year: 10 lbs of frozen halibut

Best Thing I Transported in the Back Seat of My Car This Year: One large tumbleweed

Best Thing a Classic Sci-fi Actor Called Me This Year: “Ann Freedom”

Best Thing I Overheard at a Wedding This Year: "He's got moves no grandpa should have.”

13

The Best Time I Auditioned For a Game Show

Give us 6 UNIQUE FUN FACTS about yourself. Fun facts can be anything from your biggest achievements, to a special talent, to a life story. What sets you apart from every other contestant? Make yourself stand out! Start with: What game shows have you appeared on? When? How much money did you win?

I have never appeared on a game show. Frankly, I've never really thought about appearing on a game show. Sure, I've mentally spent the jackpot prizes I've seen on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and set a personal limit for taking the deal on Deal or No Deal?—as soon as it hit six figures, I'd be [...]

9

The Best Time I Took a Rescue Cat to a Pet Psychic

Imagine if The Nothing from Neverending Story coupled with a bumbling cartoon bear forever getting its head stuck in pots of honey. That’s Milo! Born of the dumpsters, he spent three years living in a well-appointed cat rescue shelter in northeast Portland, passed over (they guessed) because of his age and because he’s black. Superstitions die hard, and more than one shelter volunteer has told me black animals don’t photograph well, their personalities don’t come through so easily. It’s true. In his most expressive photo from the House of Dream’s Instagram account, Milo is mid-silent-meow, and looks not unlike Sloth from The Goonies—which is to say, disoriented and asymmetric.

He [...]

17

The Best Time I Said Yes to Everything for a Week and Ended Up Having Bad Sex (Twice), Going Camping and Contracting Shingles

"You know, I’m just really coming from a place of yes,” I confessed out loud to the table, knowing exactly how I sounded, and also that no one would blink in this group of Los Angeles girls who all seemed to be successful in a certain way: the way where jobs were creative, everyone seemed to have free time (the most creative job is no job), and somehow still have money for cheese plates, cigarettes and lots of daytime rosé.

I had moved back to LA after being in Santa Barbara for five years, and I was trying to reestablish a life for myself. I’d never been any good at [...]

60

The Best Time My Girlfriend’s Baby Tooth Fell Out

I don’t care much about teeth. My first legitimate girlfriend had braces. She was 27; I was 21. You couldn’t feel them, if you know what I mean, you just saw them once in a while and remembered, oh yeah, you have braces, that’s kinda weird.

I don’t have the best teeth in the world. I have a gap between my front two, and while I’ve never liked it I also don’t obsess over it anymore. I’ve gotten used to it. I like faces with character, and having imperfect teeth can be a sign of good character, or so I tell myself.

My second legitimate girlfriend had imperfect teeth, too. [...]

3

The Best Time Eve Went Camping

57

The Best Time a Diva Cup Suctioned Itself to My Cervix

I consider myself fairly crunchy on the “granola” spectrum. I homebrew kombucha, take a lax view toward showers and shampoo, and, yes, bake my own granola. So when I started hearing buzz about menstrual cups – much of the buzz from Hairpinners themselves! – it sounded way up my alley.

(Yes, that is a portent of things to come.)

I am pro-environment and as anti-spending money as the next twenty-something grad student, so I researched the heck out of those little guys. The number of review websites alone will boggle the mind. As usual, though I am totally willing to try new things, and want good information first, [...]

23

The Best Time I Got Catfished By a Dead Person

My name is Alan. And I was catfished.

Room, in unison: Hi, Alan.

It’s taken me a long time to admit that. Every aspect of the situation is paralyzingly embarrassing, as you can imagine—even the term we now use to describe it. (Thanks, Nev!) But it happened, it happened to me, and it cut like a burn.

When it began, I was living in a hole of self-pity, depression, and a sharp, perpetual loneliness. I was under the belief that finding a romantic partner would ease some, if not all, of these woes. I was also under the impression that absurd amounts of alcohol would smooth my days and calm [...]