Posts Tagged: personal bests
13

The Best Time I Had Alopecia

“Baby, I think you’re balding.”

The rare hubris of being an Asian woman born into a family of shampoo-commercial-grade manes had granted me a misplaced confidence: I did not expect to hear these words in my lifetime. But as we all know, or will soon find out, life loves a good joke. And so, on a trip to Mexico in December—the sole purpose of which was to evade stress—it caught up with me in the form of a gaping bald spot.

“Maybe it’s the way your hair is parted when it’s wet,” my boyfriend offered unconvincingly, his tone revealing that he regretted any participation in this discovery. I’d just [...]

7

The Best Time I Thought I Was Going To Die In The Italian Woods

“You don’t have to speak Italian, it’s completely fine. Non ti preoccupare.”

The fact that my boss couldn’t get through the entire reassurance in English should have been a tip off. But it wasn’t. I accepted the job, an offer almost too good to be true: myself and my first-ever Serious Boyfriend would be working in Italy for a now-defunct government program that sent Italian government officials’ children away from them for a few weeks every summer.

A regular summer camp in most of its programming, we would teach English for three hours total each day. In return, we would be housed, fed, paid, and free to roam [...]

13

The Best Time I Took a Rescue Cat to a Pet Psychic

Imagine if The Nothing from Neverending Story coupled with a bumbling cartoon bear forever getting its head stuck in pots of honey. That’s Milo! Born of the dumpsters, he spent three years living in a well-appointed cat rescue shelter in northeast Portland, passed over (they guessed) because of his age and because he’s black. Superstitions die hard, and more than one shelter volunteer has told me black animals don’t photograph well, their personalities don’t come through so easily. It’s true. In his most expressive photo from the House of Dream’s Instagram account, Milo is mid-silent-meow, and looks not unlike Sloth from The Goonies—which is to say, disoriented and asymmetric.

He [...]

17

The Best Time I Said Yes to Everything for a Week and Ended Up Having Bad Sex (Twice), Going Camping and Contracting Shingles

"You know, I’m just really coming from a place of yes,” I confessed out loud to the table, knowing exactly how I sounded, and also that no one would blink in this group of Los Angeles girls who all seemed to be successful in a certain way: the way where jobs were creative, everyone seemed to have free time (the most creative job is no job), and somehow still have money for cheese plates, cigarettes and lots of daytime rosé.

I had moved back to LA after being in Santa Barbara for five years, and I was trying to reestablish a life for myself. I’d never been any good at [...]

6

The Best Time I Went To E.R. Without Insurance While Attending A Conference Inspired By A Facebook Group I Started

A photo posted by Anna Fitzpatrick (@dudguacamole) on Mar 29, 2015 at 11:11am PDT

I am in the lobby of UCLA’s Carnesale’s Commons building, having snuck out of the main conference room for the sixth time that hour to pee, only to be distracted by a very nice spread of sandwiches. At that moment my biggest concern is wondering how many sandwiches would it be polite to steal before anyone else gets to the table.

There is movement out of the corner of my eye. [...]

13

The Best Time I (Maybe) Got Rabies

The August before I left for my freshman year of college, I received a letter containing my dorm assignment: a two-room double with a girl named Amy. All I know about Amy is from a five minute phone call. She’s from Lawrence, Kansas, and she’s willing to go half on a microwave. All she knows about me is that I'm from New York and can bring the microwave with me. What she’s going to find out is that I am fucking chaos, a fact that, as I prep to leave, all my petty criminal friends are excited about. "Lola, you are going to blow this girl's mind," they [...]

4

The Best Time Eve Went Camping

17

The Best Time I Wrote Orlando Bloom Fan Fiction

One of the most significant romantic relationships in my life started when I was 11. It was the halcyon days of 2002, the same year I became the primary user of my family's Dell desktop computer, and I was in love with an adult man. He was 5'11 and born on January 13th, 1977. His first car was a VW Golf. His favorite ice cream flavor was mint chocolate chip. He quit smoking a year earlier, presumably, to make room for me in his life, because I was vehemently anti-smoking at the time. (I had yet to actually try cigarettes, which, surprise surprise, are delicious.) His movies were [...]

16

The Best Time I Lubricated My Chicken's Vagina-Butt

About six months ago, my husband and I decided we hadn't become insufferable enough. Sure, we had abandoned the east coast to find ourselves in Tucson, Arizona. We were living in an adobe house, taking daily shots of apple cider vinegar, and attending yoga workshops featuring the progress mantra music of Blue Spirit Wheel. When a coworker mentioned she needed to find a home for her four chickens, we thought our next logical step was urban chicken farming.

We have a love-hate relationship with our chickens. To put it bluntly, our chickens—Miley, Joan, Denise, and Kanya—are assholes. They have destroyed our backyard, their disgusting fly-magnet poops are everywhere, and they [...]

30

The Best (and Worst and Last) Time I Went To a Sorority Party

In the fall of 1997 I arrived to New York University as a college freshman with two priorities. The first: to waste my parents’ money on a theater education. The second: to get drunk.

I accomplished both my goals, although in different ways and for different lengths of time. Which is to say: I wasted that money over the span of four years, but got drunk only once.

•••I never had an alcoholic drink all throughout high school, and that was owed to both (a) a lack of social invitations, and (b) a fear of projectile vomit. While there was an extent to which this disappointed me about myself, there [...]