One of the most significant romantic relationships in my life started when I was 11. It was the halcyon days of 2002, the same year I became the primary user of my family's Dell desktop computer, and I was in love with an adult man. He was 5'11 and born on January 13th, 1977. His first car was a VW Golf. His favorite ice cream flavor was mint chocolate chip. He quit smoking a year earlier, presumably, to make room for me in his life, because I was vehemently anti-smoking at the time. (I had yet to actually try cigarettes, which, surprise surprise, are delicious.) His movies were [...]
About six months ago, my husband and I decided we hadn't become insufferable enough. Sure, we had abandoned the east coast to find ourselves in Tucson, Arizona. We were living in an adobe house, taking daily shots of apple cider vinegar, and attending yoga workshops featuring the progress mantra music of Blue Spirit Wheel. When a coworker mentioned she needed to find a home for her four chickens, we thought our next logical step was urban chicken farming.
We have a love-hate relationship with our chickens. To put it bluntly, our chickens—Miley, Joan, Denise, and Kanya—are assholes. They have destroyed our backyard, their disgusting fly-magnet poops are everywhere, and they [...]
In the fall of 1997 I arrived to New York University as a college freshman with two priorities. The first: to waste my parents’ money on a theater education. The second: to get drunk.
I accomplished both my goals, although in different ways and for different lengths of time. Which is to say: I wasted that money over the span of four years, but got drunk only once.
•••I never had an alcoholic drink all throughout high school, and that was owed to both (a) a lack of social invitations, and (b) a fear of projectile vomit. While there was an extent to which this disappointed me about myself, there [...]