I mean, what am I going to do, not read a memoir by a man born with two dicks? I’m not made of stone. I’m also not a person very into sexual subtlety; as a noted Canadian Internet Pervert, I have a particular brand to uphold.
"Then I went through 29 years of her life and it hit me that here's this woman that was once a young girl and this is every girl's dream to find their prince and find their king and to have that fairytale that a young girl has and then grows into a woman, and then it hit me I went, 'And I'm that man.' " —Oh, Matthew McConaughey. That is a really strange formulation!
"Seems to me like this research says not that women prefer large penises but rather they prefer not to look at small penises." —A commenter with an eye for scientific detail on an Atlantic Wire [...]
1. I have an awesome, kick-ass group of friends. We've managed to stand the test of time from university through different careers, relationships, etc. We've remained important and valued in each others' lives. Well, except for one friend.
Renee is the most difficult person I've ever met. She's self-absorbed, needy, and exhausting to deal with. And, yes, "deal with" is the only phrase to describe any of our interactions. Talking to my other friends while they are upset never feels like they are just using me as free unqualified therapy. Renee acts emotionally unstable, and refuses to listen to me when I have repeatedly told her that I am [...]
"It's no more remarkable to donate a penis than it is to donate an organ like a kidney. … I have just been waiting for this guy for 15 years" —The director of Iceland's penis museum has finally found the missing piece of his penis puzzle: a human specimen, donated by a (recently deceased) 95-year-old former tourism worker. The penis, whose size and shape remain a mystery, will be pickled and put on display at the Phallological Museum shortly. How many pickled, etc. Yes, there is a website.
10 Songs For Your Limp Dick
1. "Stutter," Elastica
2. "I Just Don’t Know What to Do with Myself," Dusty Springfield
3. "Under Pressure," David Bowie, Queen
4. "(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction," The Rolling Stones
5. "Patience," Guns N’ Roses
We could not let Friday's literary penis thread (a thing of beauty and a joy forever) pass into the void without acknowledging those commenters who truly pushed it to the limit. There were no losers, only winners we were not able to showcase. Feel free to express dissent.
Honorable Mention the First (Texts From a Penis):
Honorable Mention the Second:
oscicloosiclocsius — a penis whose length is twelve times the width
lance bass — a penis shaped like a human head
vunculum — a penis with avuncular qualities
loga — a penis that weighs over 4 pounds
paypal — a penis with a magnetic strip that can be used at an ATM machine in the event of a missing ATM card
kristin — a penis that looks familiar
ewek — a penis that appears smaller than it really is
hapepned — a penis that looks vaguely wrong
1. If you had written this book, how would you open it?
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a large penis, must be in want of a wife (or a husband)."
"Happy penises are all alike; every unhappy penis is unhappy in its own way."
"A screaming penis comes across the sky."
"You are about to begin reading Italo Calvino's new novel, If on a winter's night a penis."
"This is the saddest penis I have ever heard."[...]