Posts Tagged: penises
6

Songs That Belong in Erectile Dysfunction Medication Commercials

10 Songs For Your Limp Dick

1. "Stutter," Elastica

2. "I Just Don’t Know What to Do with Myself," Dusty Springfield

3. "Under Pressure," David Bowie, Queen

4. "(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction," The Rolling Stones

5. "Patience," Guns N’ Roses

59

In Other Award Ceremony News

We could not let Friday's literary penis thread (a thing of beauty and a joy forever) pass into the void without acknowledging those commenters who truly pushed it to the limit. There were no losers, only winners we were not able to showcase. Feel free to express dissent.

Honorable Mention the First (Texts From a Penis):

 

 

 

 

 

Honorable Mention the Second:

 

 

 

Fifth Prize:

34

The Sleeping Whale

"In a memorable hands-on demonstration, whale expert Joy Reidenberg demonstrates how the whale can manoeuvre a prehensile penis of huge proportions with devastating precision."

9

Boy Parts Are Icky!

"Recently, I took [Suri] to get ice cream in New York at this place called Serendipity that we go to all the time. It's for kids. The clientele is children. We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified. They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it." —Katie Holmes spells out a grown-up word for Ellen DeGeneres in order to explain why Suri was photographed eating X-rated candy. : – ]

10

The Penis Dictionary

oscicloosiclocsius — a penis whose length is twelve times the width

lance bass — a penis shaped like a human head

vunculum — a penis with avuncular qualities

loga — a penis that weighs over 4 pounds

paypal — a penis with a magnetic strip that can be used at an ATM machine in the event of a missing ATM card

kristin — a penis that looks familiar

ewek — a penis that appears smaller than it really is

hapepned — a penis that looks vaguely wrong

280

The Oddest Book Title of the Year

Our vote was close, but it's going to Tom Hickman's "God’s Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis" (Goodreads | Amazon).

1. If you had written this book, how would you open it?

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a large penis, must be in want of a wife (or a husband)."

"Happy penises are all alike; every unhappy penis is unhappy in its own way."

"A screaming penis comes across the sky."

"You are about to begin reading Italo Calvino's new novel, If on a winter's night a penis."

"This is the saddest penis I have ever heard."

[...]
2

U-Shapes

"A paper authored by Tatu Westling of Helsinki University explores the relationship between the GDP growth of countries and the penile length of their residents." Jason Kottke excerpts the heart of a study on economics.

189

Two Unrelated Statements

"Then I went through 29 years of her life and it hit me that here's this woman that was once a young girl and this is every girl's dream to find their prince and find their king and to have that fairytale that a young girl has and then grows into a woman, and then it hit me I went, 'And I'm that man.' " —Oh, Matthew McConaughey. That is a really strange formulation!

"Seems to me like this research says not that women prefer large penises but rather they prefer not to look at small penises." —A commenter with an eye for scientific detail on an Atlantic Wire [...]

362

Skinny-Dipping, S.O. Weight Gain, and Walk[ing] Away [From] Renee

1. I have an awesome, kick-ass group of friends. We've managed to stand the test of time from university through different careers, relationships, etc.  We've remained important and valued in each others' lives. Well, except for one friend.

Renee is the most difficult person I've ever met. She's self-absorbed, needy, and exhausting to deal with. And, yes, "deal with" is the only phrase to describe any of our interactions. Talking to my other friends while they are upset never feels like they are just using me as free unqualified therapy. Renee acts emotionally unstable, and refuses to listen to me when I have repeatedly told her that I am [...]

15

Penis Museum Scores Cool New Penis

"It's no more remarkable to donate a penis than it is to donate an organ like a kidney. … I have just been waiting for this guy for 15 years" —The director of Iceland's penis museum has finally found the missing piece of his penis puzzle: a human specimen, donated by a (recently deceased) 95-year-old former tourism worker. The penis, whose size and shape remain a mystery, will be pickled and put on display at the Phallological Museum shortly. How many pickled, etc. Yes, there is a website.