Hi, it's B. from STFU, Parents. I occasionally receive submissions that don't fit the tone of STFUP, but because they're still worth sharing, I figured I'd show some of the WTF-iest entries to you. This week's theme: animals!
This morning as I was standing in the shower doing my thinking (all of the best thinking takes place in the shower), it occurred to me that my life would have been very different if I had been raised by my favorite celebrity couple. And I don't mean that in the baseline, 'lol wouldn't it be cool to have a Bentley?' sense. It felt more finite somehow. That my reality would have been shaped by two creative, young, black artists instead of two business-minded, middle-aged white people. What would my brain be like now? What would my priorities be if they had been guided and nurtured by Hov [...]
I have a few questions for you! Well actually just one question: "Am I going to be able to get laid after college?"
I just graduated and moved to a new city. I only know coworkers, and LOL that is it. I have like two friends who are products of mutual friends from elsewhere and I am slowly meeting some others but … I like to have casual sex with acquaintances, although not really more than like five times max and actually just once! I used to find these people at parties, where it was fine to arrange for sexual liaison sans date, on the spot, and based on banter [...]
Would you have any advice for me? My dad was violent and physically abusive to my mom and me. She died when I was a kid, and that made him more violent. I am now an adult, and have been for many years, and I have been avoiding my dad as much as possible, but I begrudgingly take his phone calls. I'm on meds for anxiety and depression, which I believe is a result of the abuse.
Now my dad is getting old, and he wants to be my best friend or something, and have some kind of loving father-daughter relationship. I am definitely not up for that. What [...]
When I was five, I fell off a skateboard in the driveway and cut my chin open. I had to get 11 stitches. As the doctor was sewing me up, you told me how brave I was — riding a skateboard on my own! Truth: I was sitting on the skateboard when I fell off. I still don't understand how it happened.
When I was seven, I asked you to buy me a jean jacket. You didn't ask why. When we got to Gap Kids, all they had were denim vests. You bought me one, no questions. Truth: I wanted denim outerwear like Paul Reiser wore on Mad About [...]
…House Rules (not to be confused with the Jodi Picoult novel, not that you would), which was really well-received and sort of WHOA, FOR SERIOUS? and everything, but did you ever run across her dad's completely incoherent rebuttal website?
(Worth a look even if this is the first time you've heard about House Rules.)
Let's just say that dredging up the weird apology letters you made your kid write and posting billions of pictures of your family vacations (no true defense in a post-Clark-Griswold society) and being generally beyond hyped-up is not a great way to refute your daughter's suggestion that you're a controlling Crazy McCrazypants with [...]
I lead two lives.
In the first, I’m in love with my boyfriend, Josh, of three and a half years and going strong. We go on road trips to Memphis and Montreal, we explore abandoned hospitals, we’re a writer/photographer duo — he reviews and I shoot concerts, he showers me with rabbit paraphernalia, I send him lyrics that remind me of us.
In the other life, the one I present to my parents, Josh-the-boyfriend doesn’t exist. I go to work, I hang out with friends, I go to concerts, I take pictures and write occasionally, and that’s about it. My parents don’t know about us, and it bothers [...]