Oscar looks after the jump.
"The fun but disquieting scenario is that if the film wins and five guys in monkey masks come to the stage all saying, 'I'm Banksy,' who the hell do we give it to?" — The reason the director of the Academy Awards is not going to let Banksy's wear a disguise to the ceremony. Crisis averted! Except he realizes that now it's pretty much guaranteed that Banksy will pay five random guys to show up in monkey masks, right? Let's get ready to be diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisquieted!
Yesterday, Esquire blogger Ned Hepburn penned A Letter To Jennifer Lawrence About Her Drunkenness. Read it, or not. ("You're lucky you're a total stone-cold fox with a face like a million dollars and a better rack than a master carpenter.") It fits into a wonderful Esquire tradition of I have no idea. Anyway, we did not like this letter, and we do not like this tradition, and we are so pleased that Jennifer Lawrence chose to write back to her critic.
(If it wasn't clear already, this letter was definitely not written by Jennifer Lawrence.)
Can I call you Neddy? OK, Neddy. Why don't [...]
– 943 XL cases of Pampers Swaddlers – 192 weeks of daycare – 872 three-packs of Costco brand baby formula – 1,622 months of Netflix – 817 pet insurance payments – 960 gas tank fill-ups – 112 car payments – 248 months of cable – 600 CTA card charge-ups – 23 mortgage payments – 600 visits from the cleaning lady – 1,920 haircuts for my husband including tip – 4,166 falafel salads + Diet Pepsis at Food4Thought, my office building’s cafeteria
Previously: That Baby Wants to Break You Up
Claire Zulkey could also spend the money on 94 round-trip tickets to New Orleans.
What do you get for the nominee who didn't win an Oscar? Random expensive things! It seems the consolation gift bags from last night's Academy Awards were filled with some crazy stuff, including a trip to space(!?), use of a private island (complete with houseman), shimmery toilet paper, and, of course, nasal spray. At the Oscars even the losers are winners!
Welcome to Just The Tips.
Today: Oscars Dino Serving Platter
Previously: Kim Kardashian's Face Contouring
Katie is a producer in Texas. Katy is a copywriter in California. They are best friends who met at piano lessons in the early 18th century. In “Just The Tips,” Katy and Katie heed the siren song of “best life” advice in the realms of fashion, makeup, DIY, crafts, and home decor. Their efforts are met with only varying degrees of success; their spirits remain suspiciously undefeated. Follow them on Twitter and Tumblr.
Anyone currently devouring the luscious Robert Hofler biography Party Animals: A Hollywood Tale of Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll Starring the Fabulous Allan Carr, which is almost certainly the best book you could take to any kind of beach ever, is obsessed with Carr's legendarily horrific 1989 Oscars (the one with Rob Lowe and Snow White).
Almost all YouTube evidence has been violently purged by the Academy, but this slightly-blurry clip of the Stars of Tomorrow (Blair Underwood! Patrick Dempsey! A bunch of pretty people who did not become The Stars of Today!) survived due to being mislabeled as the 1988 Oscars. Score for YOU.
"I heart Colin Firth in a major way. I have a framed picture of him in my house, which a lot of people think is really weird." —Katie Couric gave the New York Times her Oscar picks. Guess what? She picked Colin Firth to win in every category, including the award for "Best Person I Have a Very Normal, Perfectly Healthy Obsession With."