Yesterday, Esquire blogger Ned Hepburn penned A Letter To Jennifer Lawrence About Her Drunkenness. Read it, or not. ("You're lucky you're a total stone-cold fox with a face like a million dollars and a better rack than a master carpenter.") It fits into a wonderful Esquire tradition of I have no idea. Anyway, we did not like this letter, and we do not like this tradition, and we are so pleased that Jennifer Lawrence chose to write back to her critic.
(If it wasn't clear already, this letter was definitely not written by Jennifer Lawrence.)
Can I call you Neddy? OK, Neddy. Why don't [...]
- 943 XL cases of Pampers Swaddlers - 192 weeks of daycare - 872 three-packs of Costco brand baby formula - 1,622 months of Netflix - 817 pet insurance payments - 960 gas tank fill-ups - 112 car payments - 248 months of cable - 600 CTA card charge-ups - 23 mortgage payments - 600 visits from the cleaning lady - 1,920 haircuts for my husband including tip - 4,166 falafel salads + Diet Pepsis at Food4Thought, my office building’s cafeteria
Previously: That Baby Wants to Break You Up
Claire Zulkey could also spend the money on 94 round-trip tickets to New Orleans.
What do you get for the nominee who didn't win an Oscar? Random expensive things! It seems the consolation gift bags from last night's Academy Awards were filled with some crazy stuff, including a trip to space(!?), use of a private island (complete with houseman), shimmery toilet paper, and, of course, nasal spray. At the Oscars even the losers are winners!
Here's the complete list of the 2011 Academy Award nominees. Spoiler alert, if you haven't viewed the list yet: there are a few nominees that feel off—James Franco, leave us in peace for awhile!—but many more that feel really exciting and full of promise, like the Academy could be forgiven of all its past sins if any of these people were to win. It's pretty hard to choose just one from each category, but here they are.