Hairpin, please welcome your guest bloggers this week: Michelle Markowitz, who is always just crushin' it, and Lauren O'Neal, our favorite dirty hippie. They will guide you through early March, and when it is over you will probably wish they never left. Please say hi to them here and on Twitter, and please give them first-day-of-school noogies, they deserve it. Things around here will be pretty much normal, and Jia and I will be back next week. We'll miss you dearly. Send a postcard if you need us.
I Had it All Till I Leaned In to Opting Out
Link Found Between Early Death and Women Who Pursued Post-G.E.D. Education
Studies Say the Sound of a Woman’s Voice, Especially When Discussing her Feelings, Career, or Taste in Music, Lowers the Potency in Sperm Count Report: Quitting Jobs to Stay Home to Churn Butter and Work a Loom Linked to Happiness
Studies Show Work/Life Balance Achieved Through Crying in the Bathroom
Science Says Men Like Blowjobs More Than Exclusivity Talks
Uteruses Will Age Five Minutes Further from Optimal Childbearing Years by the Time You Finish Reading This Piece
Here is hilarious Hairpin pal Michelle Markowitz's profound visual meditation on the importance of managing expectations in your love life. ("I could see us going to the opera, but I could also see us going to, like, a gala?"/"No, she seems pretty chill, I don't think she's into ~prescribed dates~"). There is a happy ending, or at least it seems happy to me!
Previously, "Home for the Holidays," and also I'll take any excuse to reread "Drake-Centric Fantasies While Dying on the Elliptical" from 2012.
Cast of Characters Me: Late thirties/early forties (what’s the rush?). Daughter: Five years old. Looks like a cross between myself and Michael Fassbender, or possibly like myself and one of my guy friends (???!!!).
Scene Early 2020s. My daughter and I are sitting in our Space Colony or apartment — who knows what the future will bring.
Me: So then there was a temple that was destroyed. And it needed to be cleaned up, which people could do only by the light of a menorah. I’m not sure why they didn’t just open a window to get natural sunlight? Anyway, there was supposed [...]
Even if you are a deeply Together person, there will be at least one portion, if not many portions, of this "Home for the Holidays" video (written by and starring Hairpin pal Michelle Markowitz) that will feel like the very pinnacle of real. "How am I? I'm good! Just… crushin' it, you know, uh, is this a new recipe??" "Mmm, yeah, my student loans, they're… really comin' along."
Drake: Hey Michelle.
Me: Oh hey. Drogo was it?
Drake: No. That’s a character on Game of Thrones. You know my name’s Drake. I don’t know why it has to be like that.
Me: [Ignores Drake]
Drake: Girl, when did you get so in shape? You were always tight, but this is like next level-
Me: Enough. My life is way different than it was when you knew me. I’ve taken up Southwestern jewelry making and ceramics. I really don’t have time for you anymore.
Drake: Okay. I’ll just say it. I can’t stop thinking about you! You brought so much into my life: Sex and the City reruns on [...]