Posts Tagged: mallory ortberg
57

A Pie for the American People

Ann Friedman and Mallory Ortberg both voted.

272

Texts From the Baby-Sitters Club

Hey Claudia I know math is really tough for you but even you should know that two dollars an hour for six hours means we’re at least twelve dollars short of what should be in the treasury i know how much twelve is, Kristy and i didn't take your stupid money look all I'm saying is that someone that good at hiding candy in her room probably has a few great places to hide twelve dollars like maybe in an incredibly ugly macrame wallet with velvet appliqués yeah well at least my dad still lives at home unlike some people’s dads unlike your dad  Kristy

Kristy? It's Mallory I hope [...]

82

Your Grief Has Taken the Form of a Witch!

Your grief has taken the form of a witch!

It is less correct to say that she appears than it is to say you are brought into sudden awareness of her presence. You become conscious of the fact that as a host you possess particular duties toward her.

“Hello,” you say.

Hello, she says, and her voice bumbles through the open spaces of your head and lungs. Hello, hello. She has the warmth and heft of a hummingbird as she rests nervously below your throat. It is possible that if you hold completely and entirely still — if you do not move with her movements — she will collect [...]

250

Texts From Jane Eyre

JANE MY LITTLE SUNBEAM WHERE ARE YOU I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE I’m taking a walk be back for dinner AH YES MY CAGED SPRITE COMMUNE WITH NATURE AND UPON YOUR RETURN RELATE TO ME THE VAGRANT GLORIES OF THE  RUINED WOODS do you really want me to describe my walk to you MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU POCKET WITCH it is fairly cloudy out looks like rain soon AHHH TO THINK THAT MY LITTLE STARLING JANE SHOULD RETURN TO PERCH ON MY BROKEN MALFORMED SHOULDER SINGING A SONG OF THE GREY AND WRACKING SKIES MAKES MY HEART SWELL TO BURST all right

101

The Ghosting of Ghost

Day 1 hello hi hello oh  oh hi there has to be someone here  there really just has to be i dont want it just to be me here  hello? oh oh i dont want it to just be me

Day 19 well this happens to be a phone I couldn’t really say about the others so nobody knows then  I didn’t say that Some of them don’t wind up here or some of them do but not all of them or not for very long I can’t make you any promises you won’t end up in a cactus for a time or a cursed and collapsing star or a [...]

139

Love Letters Sent and Responses Received, Without Commentary

1. "I understand that your family's primary concern is that J____ – the sister and daughter you love deeply – is a healthy, happy, self-aware person who is capable of receiving and giving love in her relationships without becoming needy, or domineering, or dishonest, or manipulative, or unkind. It's what we wish for all the people that we love. Of course, we may feel differently about where same-sex relationships fall into the happy/healthy/appropriate spectrum, but I do understand that you all want the best for her.

I want to assure you that while our beliefs may diverge at certain points, the fundamentals remain the same. I believe J____ to [...]

120

Texts From Nancy Drew

Nancy? Are you coming? I’ve been waiting by the old oak in the park for almost an hour I tried calling your father and he said you went out to the lake with Bess and George but Bess came back ages ago I guess maybe you didn’t take your phone with you anyhow the picnic is here and I am here too whenever you get here no rush! I miss you oh Ned I’m so sorry but I am so close to figuring out who the jewel thieves are I think it has something to do with the ghostly figure that frightened Ms. Martin after the gala and the twins [...]

205

Texts From Little Women

MEG  MEG  MEG WHAT’S ALL THIS  WHAT’S ALL THIS I’M HEARING ABOUT YOUR GETTING MARRIED tell me it’s a wretched lie  Jo I don’t know how many more times we have to have this conversation I’ll have it a THOUSAND TIMES if I must but yes I am still marrying John tomorrow OH GREAT TRIPLE-HORNED GOD just like I was planning to yesterday this is unbearable and also last month answer me this, then who exactly do you think is going to play Mercy when we put on my version of The Pilgrim’s Progress this summer? I wrote that part for YOU  wrote it beautifully in fact I don’t know, [...]

100

Texts From Rebecca

oh Mrs. de Winter I realized after I took you on a tour of the master wing I forgot to tell you about her clothes whose clothes? Whose clothes do you think Rebecca’s? of course they were incredible even her taste in nightgowns was impeccable not like some nightgowns i could name not like some nightgowns I have to regularly launder and fold and put away I see your nightgowns, specifically I hate your nightgowns so if when you come home tonight you see a lot of R’s scribbled in lipstick and also blood all over your nightgowns that was me Ah in case you wondered who that was Well, [...]

123

Texts From Sweet Valley High

Jess are you there? yeah I’m here Where were you? what do you mean Did you not get any of my texts? no The Sweet Sixteen people were here for the interview about the fundraiser they already came? you weren’t here so I tried to do the best I could without you Oh I know I was awful – I’m sure they won’t print anything I said I’m so sorry you couldn’t make it hey Liz Yeah? do you ever catch anything when you’re fishing for compliments