Posts Tagged: mallory ortberg

Texts from Mallory Ortberg

Whenever I have an idea for something funny to write on the Internet, I have to make sure that it isn’t just something I’ve subconsciously ripped off from writer/webmistress Mallory Ortberg. If there is a joke to be made about anything, chances are Mallory’s already made it, in a both subtle and absurd way that will seep into your brain and stick with you for months.

On November 4th, Henry Holt is publishing Texts from Jane Eyre—a collection based on the series in which Mallory sums up the entire canon of Western literature in a few textual exchanges with great accuracy and even greater lols. Believe [...]


The Toast Is Ready

Dearly beloved Hairpin pals Mallory Ortberg and Nicole Cliffe launched their new website, The Toast, today, after a "brute force attack" caused some issues yesterday. (The Hairpin has no comment.) What is The Toast?

The Toast is a daily blog that publishes features on everything from literary characters that never were to female pickpockets of Gold Rush-era San Francisco. The Toast is one of those mass-market science fiction paperbacks some used bookstores put out on the street in big press-board rolling carts, the kind with drawings of women in long white robes standing in front of a horizon with two or three moons on the cover.

The Toast is a long [...]


Birch Stripping for the Uninitiated

"What is a toxin? It may surprise you to learn how many toxins we come in contact with during the course of an ordinary day: Sitting, computers, materialism, smelling, desserts (Japanese), metal, not saying yes to yourself, hesitation, textiles, cooking, recession, texting, chewing, desserts (Western), low self-esteem, tight hamstrings, suffering, parents, yoga (non-Bikram), yoga (all other kinds), shoes, vaccines, doctors, books, driving, cooking, shameful sex dreams, exciting sex dreams, and folding." —Mallory Ortberg takes us beyond the Blueprint Cleanse. If you're not into cleanses, please enjoy Wikipedia's list of sandwiches. They are all a source of toxins. If that phrase terrifies you, you may have chemophobia.


A Christmas Story

The old nativity scene we put up on the church lawn was made of white plastic that lit up at night, bright slashes of paint for beards and eyes and hair. The figures — one Mary, one Joseph, one Jesus, two shepherds, one angel, three wise Men, and a camel — had always glowed cheap and cheerful under their straw hutch. And they were light enough that it only took a couple volunteers from the youth group to set them up (and untangle their wires, and enjoy the scene with hot apple cider in little styrofoam cups).

This year, though, the plastic figurines had flickered and then gone dark [...]


Little Miss Misandrist

Little Miss Muffett Sat on a tuffett Eating her curds and whey. It was illegal for white men to practice medicine.

Noted misandrist Mallory Ortberg has put together a collection of "Lullabies for Misandrists" over at The Toast.


Telling Tegan and Sara Apart

Tegan is the one who always gets you a gift for holidays when you didn't think you were exchanging gifts.

Sara is the one who buys colored glass bottles at yard sales.

Tegan is the one who told you about The Gallery of Regrettable Food.

Sara is the one who has been making the same scarf for three years, and it's much wider at the top.

Tegan is the one who if the two of you were staying in a hotel together and you realized there was something wrong with the room but didn't really want to make a big deal out of it with the staff, because you're [...]


Memories of Austen and "Pride and Prejudice"

In my junior year of college, I took a Jane Austen seminar with about ten other women and one guy; the chaff (like, two hundred women and…one guy) having been swiftly winnowed out by the necessity of writing an introductory Austen essay to be judged on. And it was a great seminar, and I met my best friend in it because we had both just been dumped and could not write our final papers and got basically eternal extensions on them—I think they still have my diploma—because our professor had also suffered great heartbreak. So, when I think of "Pride and Prejudice," I think first of female friendship, now, and [...]


What Abortions Should Be Like: Melon, Maya Angelou, Swan Boats and Nothing Louder Than a Whisper

At the Toast, Mallory Ortberg's "What Abortions Should Be Like" is perfect. It begins with an invocation of Pilgrim's Progress and ends, equally sad and funny, incredibly subtle despite the presence of Robyn and swan boats, like this:

So Maya Angelou waves goodbye to you, and so does the man who exists in a continuous state of Jeff Goldblum possibility. And B.D. Wong waves Time Out at you, and tiny Robyn waves too. Billy Joel leaps up and hugs you in an embrace that lifts you off your feet. Later, you find that he’s snuck an extra sandwich and another three slices of melon in your purse.

And then [...]


Texts From Pride and Prejudice

And you must see to it that your sister invites Mr. Bingley, Lizzie  He isn’t here, Mother Isn’t here?  he must be here the ball is in seven days and if he is not here then how will we convince our Mr. Darcy to attend? Mr. Darcy is not here either no? but I thought he was in London for business and would return in time for the ball No he is not in London he is on a ship he is going to war but this is terrible news  There is an actual war on right now against Napoleon how could this have happened?? He was commissioned months ago [...]


Texts From Don Quixote

Dulcinea DULCINEA BESTIR YOURSELF dragons – dragons everywhere –

where are there dragons? where are you? 

I am beset by dragons, my love! there has been perfidy in this strange land of iron islands and wraiths that drape themselves in steam

are you in the kitchen?

no kitchen could produce a bellow so terrifying nor a stench so foul as that of these steel dragons