Posts Tagged: LOL
9

The Stupid Trendy Cocktail Bar Name Generator

Remember Hairpin pal Lauren Hallden's online dating loren ipsum text generator? ("Glass half-full using my farmshare. Netflix my eyes Woody Allen stepping outside your comfort zone, if you're still reading this medical school happy hour too many to list tattoos. I'm just a regular guy I enjoy making lasagna from scratch pickles fascinates me.") Now she's gone and done it again with trendy cocktail bars: the first ones I got were "Pistol & Hoof," "Bull & Hatchet" and "Brim & Crumble." Story checks out! [Name My Bar]

7

Welcome to Subaru Roadside Assistance & Empowerment

Thank you for calling Subaru roadside assistance and empowerment. This call may be monitored for quality assurance.

Before we start, we’d like to ask you a few questions so that we can provide you with better service. If this is a life-threatening emergency, or if you have tickets to a WNBA game that starts in fewer than 30 minutes, please hang up and dial 911.

—Let’s begin.

We have identified you using your phone number. According to our records, your Preferred Gender Pronoun is

SHE

Is that still accurate?

—Great. We have located you using your phone’s GPS. Please be aware, wait times may vary depending on your proximity to [...]

106

917 People Who Are Hotter Than Benedict Cumberbatch

Benedict Cumberbatch is a talented actor. But Benedict Cumberbatch is not hot. Here are 917 people who are hotter than Benedict Cumberbatch.

1. Martin Freeman 2. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle 3. Jeremy Brett 4. Your mom 5. Ron Artest 6. Metta World Peace 7. Prince Harry 8. Prince William 9. Prince Charles 10. This lady who got knocked over by the wind recently 11. Joan Cusack 12. Joan Didion 13. Joan Jett 14. Them 15. Lee Ranaldo 16. Andy Garcia 17. Nathan Stewart-Jarrett 18. Mark Spitz 19. Marc Spitz 20. Danny Trejo 21. Paul Wesley 22. Ian Somerhalder 23. Steven R. McQueen 24. Zach [...]

24

Interview With a Male CEO of a Women's Magazine

Elsewhere: A young man’s adventures in women’s publishing.

Previously: What Is the Difference Between Mascara, Eye-Liner and Concealer? Six Philosophical Inquiries

 

Eudora is a comedian.

 

1

Why Did the Woman Cross the Road? Three Modern Revisions

Why Does the Woman Cross the Road?

Well, she doesn't know really, and couldn't have articulated it if anyone were to ask her. But no one does. No one asks her much of anything since Anita left. All she knows is the pavement feels sturdy beneath her feet, the road leads somewhere, and crossing it means she will no longer have to be here, in a house too filled with someone who isn't coming back.

 

A Priest, Rabbi and a Duck 

The bartender doesn't initially notice the Priest, Rabbi and duck push through the wooden brown doors and enter her bar. She is gently and mindfully drying pint [...]

31

Here Is Lorde's Birth Certificate

How old is the New Zealand singer Lorde, certain particularly obnoxious Internet circles have been wondering over the last few months. (Not without cause: "[The Virgin Suicides] really resonated with me as a teenager," the singer told Rookie's Tavi Gevinson recently. "I mean," she continued, "I am still a teenager.")

The fine country of New Zealand, for $17.02, has provided us with what they say is a copy of Lorde's birth certificate. Lorde's full name: Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor. Lorde's DOB: 7 November 1996. Lorde, two-time Grammy winner, is 17 years old. The above documentation effectively shuts down any lingering doubts in regards to Lorde's real age, a [...]

6

Today's Hero Is a 64-Year-Old British Man Named Angus

"Angus McDonagh, 64, says he has duped Royal Mail with over a hundred of his designs on letters posted all over the world.

Many feature his own face in the Queen's traditional side profile complete with a comic eye patch or weird hat.

[...]

He makes special edition stamps, but instead of commemorating real life events they celebrate his own fantasy occasions such as 'Upside Down Day'."

-I will hear out further nominations for today's hero, but Angus McDonagh, the British man who created 50 absurd stamp designs at home, printed them out, glued them to envelopes, and then successfully mailed 99 out of 100 of them around the globe [...]

26

I Will Not Soak It In

Last Monday I was on the Willie L. Brown Jr. Bridge, formerly known as the Bay Bridge, on the Amtrak bus. I was very high up and it was a beautiful afternoon—blue skies, sailboats, and the bridges brand-new steel symmetry were all working together in a magical way. On a scale from 1 to 10, I’d say my mood was about a 7, which is very good for me. At one point I started to text my friend, and then I looked around and saw that everyone on the bus—every single person—was looking at their phone. I said to myself, I am not going to be one of those people. [...]

30

Engagement Chicken, Three Ways

I had first learned of "engagement chicken" from an old coworker of mine. She had been in a relationship with her then-boyfriend for about four years, and she was ready to test out that famous recipe. "You make the chicken and then your boyfriend will propose," she said matter-of-factly, explaining to me how the recipe works. It sounded simple enough. And while I couldn't imagine testing the theory myself (at least not without GHB, a polaroid camera, and the steely will to blackmail my way into my boyfriend's legally binding heart), I was curious. 

My old coworker never shared the results of that night, and I eventually lost touch [...]

6

Three Alternative Poems For Your Morning Commute

Greetings!  Commuter!

Wherefore art thou awash

with the sticky salve of sadness?

Is it because of Brenda?

And what she said at the company-wide

lunchtime seminar yesterday?

You know what?

Brenda needs to learn to shut her mouth.

 

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