Posts Tagged: LOL
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Lorde, "Tennis Court" (Diplo's Andrew Agassi Remix)

I feel about this Diplo remix the way I feel about certain whole pizzas: like, it's probably nothing worth writing home about, but I keep taking bites to make sure, and before you know it, pizza's gone and I'm on my seventh listen. (Musicality aside, "Andrew Agassi" is a rock-solid name for a remix and I'm mad that someone got in there and changed it to "Andre.")

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Cool Book Review Bro

I am not surprised by the long and stupid correction that just had to be appended to David Bezmozgis's New York Times review of Rivka Galchen's American Innovations (he is also "frustrated with and sad for Galchen's narrators," who "suffer" from being "liberated from traditional gender roles"; tell me more about how sad the sad liberated girls make you, that is very interesting), but anyway I am sort of laughing my ass off. It is not the case that all of the stories in Galchen's collection are narrated by one particular type of woman that happens to fascinate the author of this book review. In fact, very few of [...]

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I Will Not Soak It In

Last Monday I was on the Willie L. Brown Jr. Bridge, formerly known as the Bay Bridge, on the Amtrak bus. I was very high up and it was a beautiful afternoon—blue skies, sailboats, and the bridges brand-new steel symmetry were all working together in a magical way. On a scale from 1 to 10, I’d say my mood was about a 7, which is very good for me. At one point I started to text my friend, and then I looked around and saw that everyone on the bus—every single person—was looking at their phone. I said to myself, I am not going to be one of those people. [...]

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Engagement Chicken, Three Ways

I had first learned of "engagement chicken" from an old coworker of mine. She had been in a relationship with her then-boyfriend for about four years, and she was ready to test out that famous recipe. "You make the chicken and then your boyfriend will propose," she said matter-of-factly, explaining to me how the recipe works. It sounded simple enough. And while I couldn't imagine testing the theory myself (at least not without GHB, a polaroid camera, and the steely will to blackmail my way into my boyfriend's legally binding heart), I was curious. 

My old coworker never shared the results of that night, and I eventually lost touch [...]

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Trends Men Hate

A cool part about being a woman is fashion and trends. But don’t forget, men also get to have opinions about these topics. Here are some new trends that men hate.

Bra worn around the waist like a fanny pack. Men hate this trend. They hate it so much. They don't understand it, and that confusion breeds anger.

Onion rings. You know, the smallish kind you can get at a nice place like Burger King. It’s a trend now to wear them on your fingers. Men just hate this one. What gives?

The horsetail. The ponytail’s more mature cousin is longer, thicker, and primarily used to swat away [...]

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The Stupid Trendy Cocktail Bar Name Generator

Remember Hairpin pal Lauren Hallden's online dating loren ipsum text generator? ("Glass half-full using my farmshare. Netflix my eyes Woody Allen stepping outside your comfort zone, if you're still reading this medical school happy hour too many to list tattoos. I'm just a regular guy I enjoy making lasagna from scratch pickles fascinates me.") Now she's gone and done it again with trendy cocktail bars: the first ones I got were "Pistol & Hoof," "Bull & Hatchet" and "Brim & Crumble." Story checks out! [Name My Bar]

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Welcome to Subaru Roadside Assistance & Empowerment

Thank you for calling Subaru roadside assistance and empowerment. This call may be monitored for quality assurance.

Before we start, we’d like to ask you a few questions so that we can provide you with better service. If this is a life-threatening emergency, or if you have tickets to a WNBA game that starts in fewer than 30 minutes, please hang up and dial 911.

—Let’s begin.

We have identified you using your phone number. According to our records, your Preferred Gender Pronoun is

SHE

Is that still accurate?

—Great. We have located you using your phone’s GPS. Please be aware, wait times may vary depending on your proximity to [...]

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But What If I Just End Up Stuffing My Vagina With Cool Ranch Doritos

Just kidding, this new weed lube sounds great.

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Why Did the Woman Cross the Road? Three Modern Revisions

Why Does the Woman Cross the Road?

Well, she doesn't know really, and couldn't have articulated it if anyone were to ask her. But no one does. No one asks her much of anything since Anita left. All she knows is the pavement feels sturdy beneath her feet, the road leads somewhere, and crossing it means she will no longer have to be here, in a house too filled with someone who isn't coming back.

 

A Priest, Rabbi and a Duck 

The bartender doesn't initially notice the Priest, Rabbi and duck push through the wooden brown doors and enter her bar. She is gently and mindfully drying pint [...]

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Here Is Lorde's Birth Certificate

How old is the New Zealand singer Lorde, certain particularly obnoxious Internet circles have been wondering over the last few months. (Not without cause: "[The Virgin Suicides] really resonated with me as a teenager," the singer told Rookie's Tavi Gevinson recently. "I mean," she continued, "I am still a teenager.")

The fine country of New Zealand, for $17.02, has provided us with what they say is a copy of Lorde's birth certificate. Lorde's full name: Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor. Lorde's DOB: 7 November 1996. Lorde, two-time Grammy winner, is 17 years old. The above documentation effectively shuts down any lingering doubts in regards to Lorde's real age, a [...]