Posts Tagged: liz galvao

A Prayer for Cookie Lyon

Dear Cookie Lyon: Empress of the Empire, Fabulosticator of Fabulosticators, Dranker of Purple Drank, And Haver of That Ass,

In your name, we pray:

That all the birds and small furry animals who’ve donated themselves to your wardrobe lived long and happy lives;

That all these chilly bitches who are not on your level will sit down and shut up;


Gift Suggestions for Those Hard-to-Shop-For Frenemies

Liz Galvao's I'm Down for the Holidays advent calendar continues its reign of mordant holiday terror-wit with Part II of a Frenemy Gift Guide. Last year's suggestions included professional-strength Whitestrips and Chicken Soup for the Grandmother's Soul ("Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize it’s for grandmothers! I just glanced at the cover and it seemed perfect for you"); this year's includes a ferret sweatshirt ("I thought you had a ferret or one of those weird pets?"), a nice copy of Slow Cooking Just For Yourself, the pictured Skinnygirl gift box, and the 10th anniversary edition of Give Up ("The key is purchasing this album [...]


Requiem for a New Jersey Blockbuster Video

I worked for a dinosaur before it went extinct, and they made me wear khakis. That is, I was a customer service rep at Blockbuster Video in Flanders, New Jersey from July 2004 to August 2005. Yesterday, Blockbuster announced that it will be closing its remaining 300 US stores, but the Flanders location had shut down years ago. When I worked there I was a senior in high school and made a dollar over minimum wage. It was one of the best jobs I’ve ever had.

My boss was a lip-pierced drummer in a ska band. At 27, Ryan held the [...]


Scientists: Death of 99% of Relationships Can Be Traced Back to the Exchange of “Love Coupons”

In a groundbreaking new study at New Jersey University, scientists have determined that the death of 99% of human relationships can be traced back to the exchange of “love coupons.”

Love coupons (also known as love discounts, love IOUs, or love gifts with purchase) are slips of paper, usually homemade, that act as gift certificates for acts that people in relationships previously gave of their own will, such as hugs, sensual massages, or emptying the goddamn dishwasher for once without complaining. They’ve gained popularity on Pinterest and in countless women’s lifestyle magazines as a means of resparking a dying relationship. Love coupons are not legal currency.

“The simple truth is, [...]


This Used Kay Jewelers Necklace Needs a Forever Home

Hairpin pal Liz Galvao is doing a great blog advent calendar called I'm Down for the Holidays, and from Tuesday: "I took pictures from Kay Jewelers’ Previously Owned Treasures and captioned them with excerpts from sad Petfinder bios. I thought it would be funny and it is." Here is a sample:

People have overlooked her because she is a big gold ring but they have failed to see how sweet she is. For someone with an open heart and mind, they could make all the difference in the world for this old girl.

Adopt a butt necklace here today!


"Inherit the Whoop, Whoop!": The Trial That Rocked America

The Michigan rap group Insane Clown Posse filed suit on Wednesday against the Justice Department and the Federal Bureau of Investigation, saying that the United States government had made the “unwarranted and unlawful decision” to classify fans of the band as criminal gang members, leading to their harassment and causing them “significant harm.” -New York Times, January 8, 2014

Prosecutor Tom Davenport: That remark is an insult to this entire community! Henry Drummond: And this community is an insult to the world. -Inherit the Wind, 1960


Now That I'm Married, I Only Use Crystal

Dear family, friends, and plus ones:

On our one-year wedding anniversary (what what!), Eric and I would like to officially thank you for helping make my special day so special. There were wayyyy too many of you to send individual cards so I thought this group email was perfect! It’s also an opportunity to share how all of your gifts have impacted our married life, and possibly remind some of you that there are still a few items available on our registries at Neiman-Marcus, Bloomingdales, Crate and Barrel, Tiffany’s, and the British Museum. Thanks so much!!!

When Eric and I got married, it changed everything. We had [...]