Him: So did we make out last Friday? C: Uhhh, hahaha … uh, yes. Him: Okay, I just wanted to let you know that I’m just not looking for anything right now. C: Me neither. We’re on the same page so don’t worry about it. Him: Well, I mean, you’re a very attractive woman but I’m just so busy now that it would be hard.
K: Is this the hot mean neighbor, or the Swedish guy you can’t understand, or the DJ-slash-waiter? C: None of the above. It’s this annoying guy from class who starts every sentence with “Actually.” K: What’s wrong with you? C: [...]
The Texts Him: “Merry Christmas! ” B: “Thanks you too, btw who is this?” Him: “It’s ______, how have you been?” B: “Oh RIGHT, good! How about you?” Him: “Good. ”
The Analysis B: Ugh, I cannot take another year of this. K: What do you mean? He sends you that every year? With all the smileys and everything?? B: Yes! Every Christmas he texts me and I put his number back in my phone. And then EVERY year I take it back out, and then the whole thing happens all over again. It’s like the Matrix, practically! K: Or Inception!! B: Yeah. I mean, I didn’t see either [...]
“A triumph!” = biopic set against a horse-related backdrop
“Dark, edgy” = someone inexplicably huffs chemicals
“Impeccably acted” = British person with good American accent/American person with good British accent
“High-octane thrill ride” = contains cars that go fast and blow up
“…gives a brave performance” = gained weight for the role/wore prosthesis
“Sure to leave you on the edge of your seat” = ladies in underwear will be covered in blood
“…tugs at the heartstrings” = cancer*
Emily: “Raspberry Cordial” – Anne of Green Gables I imagined this to be like an old-time Shirley Temple, but far more sophisticated. That lush Diana Barry could not wait to get her paws on a tumbler-full (I typed that “tumblr,” twice. Internet!) of this shit, so it must have been good because, since she was vaguely rich, I assumed she must've been something of a cordial aficionado. Of course what she was drinking actually turned out to be currant wine (notably absent from the list), but according to the Anne of Green Gables Cookbook, this elixir is basically just raspberry sugar-water.
Katie: “Edible Teacup” – Willy Wonka & [...]