Posts Tagged: katie heaney

The Essential Pocket Guide to Monster Survival


One of the earliest recorded globsters – The St. Augustine Monster of 1896.

Class: Unidentified organic mass

Threat Level: 1.5 out of 5 screams. (They might be lifeless, but they are SO gross.)

Summary: Globster” is a term used to describe unidentifiable, seemingly dead carcasses that wash up on seashores. That this phenomenon is so common as to need its own name, and that that name is “globster,” is really all you need to know. In 2003, the 14-ton Chilean Blob globster motionlessly and silently terrorized a nation — onlookers probably reported feeling as though the mass was “looking at [them], seriously, get it awayyyeeee.” In this [...]


Reading Between the Texts: There's Been Some Kind of Mistake

The Texts

Him: So did we make out last Friday? C: Uhhh, hahaha … uh, yes. Him: Okay, I just wanted to let you know that I’m just not looking for anything right now. C: Me neither. We’re on the same page so don’t worry about it. Him: Well, I mean, you’re a very attractive woman but I’m just so busy now that it would be hard.

The Analysis

K: Is this the hot mean neighbor, or the Swedish guy you can’t understand, or the DJ-slash-waiter? C: None of the above. It’s this annoying guy from class who starts every sentence with “Actually.” K: What’s wrong with you? C: [...]


Reading Between the Texts: ‘Tis the Season

The Texts Him: “Merry Christmas! :)” B: “Thanks you too, btw who is this?” Him: “It’s ______, how have you been?” B: “Oh RIGHT, good! How about you?” Him: “Good. :)”

The Analysis B: Ugh, I cannot take another year of this. K: What do you mean? He sends you that every year? With all the smileys and everything?? B: Yes! Every Christmas he texts me and I put his number back in my phone. And then EVERY year I take it back out, and then the whole thing happens all over again. It’s like the Matrix, practically! K: Or Inception!! B: Yeah. I mean, I didn’t see either [...]


Decoding Movie Reviews

“A triumph!” = biopic set against a horse-related backdrop

“Dark, edgy” = someone inexplicably huffs chemicals

“Impeccably acted” = British person with good American accent/American person with good British accent

“High-octane thrill ride”  = contains cars that go fast and blow up

“…gives a brave performance” = gained weight for the role/wore prosthesis

“Sure to leave you on the edge of your seat” = ladies in underwear will be covered in blood

“…tugs at the heartstrings” = cancer*


The Ministry for Boyfriend Review

The Ministry for Boyfriend Review, first established on the sly by an anonymous suffragette in 1918, has spent 94 years serving tirelessly in the field of boyfriend management and evaluation. Until now, the Ministry’s process was rigid and secret: the concerned and curious best friends of women who date (questionable) men would hear of our services through a network of female acquaintances. These upstanding best friends, who always know what’s best but are practically never listened to anyway, would send file folders of damning evidence (photographs, receipts from the couples’ dates out, testimonials from friends and witnesses) to the Ministry for evaluation. Officials would then examine the evidence, judging [...]


SimplyNoise Reviews, in Order of How Soon the Author Will Murder Someone

15. “Tha-HA-HA-HANK you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You just made traveling a million times better.” —crea8iveworship

14. “Thank you so much for this site, it really helps my productivity at work where I have to share an office space with three other engineers with similar interests.” —Anonymous

13. “My girlfriend and I both use SimplyNoise every night and we would be very very sad if your site ever went away … Thanks so much for providing a great service for free!!” —emptythevoid

12. “I live in an apartment with 5 other girls, and I need to study a lot. SimplyNoise has made that possible! Thank you so much!” —Anonymous

11. “This is a [...]


Katie, What's Actually in Your Handbag Right Now?

Like those magazines that ask celebrities to reveal the shiny, enviable essentials they supposedly carry with them at all times, we begin by asking one another, and then, hopefully, other women with bags: what's actually in your bag right now? So, Katie "Between the Texts" Heaney, what's actually in your bag right now?


Reading Between the Texts: S.O.S.

The Texts

Him: Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment? M: Yes. Him: Might I ask what your results were? M: INTJ. Him: That's what I surmised. M: Haha…why? Him: I noticed in class that your lower jaw is slack during class, and INTJs typically have underdeveloped facial muscles.

The Analysis

K: I’m just going to very quickly grab a butcher knife. I’ve seen like six episodes of CSI that start this way. M: I know. I’m SO glad I know karate. I mean … it’s probably fine, I just think he’s never actually interacted with another human being before, ever in his life. K: No kidding. He [...]


Harry Potter and the Liniment Layer Cake of Secrets

Hello Pinners! We are back to share even more foods from literature with you, this time with a “holiday” focus. And by “holiday” we mean we really stretched some of these recipes to make them festive/timely/edible. Once again we open a page in Turkish Delight & Treasure Hunts by Jane Brocket … and stare at it with mild confusion.

Emily: Our original plan was to make the most wintry treat in the index, which is “Sugar on Snow” from Little House on the Prairie. We assumed that, since we live in Minneapolis, we would have an endless supply of both ingredients, since it is cold like seven months out of [...]


A Semi-Microeconomic Analysis of Halloween Treats

Of all the many things I love in this world, two that rank near the top of the list are discovering delicious taste combinations, and finding ways to make sense of my life through the use of charts and graphs. It’s almost Halloween, and I spent 20 minutes (and an undisclosed number of dollars) in the corresponding candy section of Target this weekend. To excuse that behavior to myself, I made the whole thing into a graphical microeconomics project. Sort of.

First, let me get this out of the way right now: What you need to know is that there has never been nor will there ever be a Halloween [...]