Posts Tagged: katie heaney
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Introducing "The Blood Countess"

What confused the joke, perhaps, was the already existing literature on “clinical vampirism,” a set of symptoms that, if it had not yet been given a catchy, Dracula-informed name (Renfield is the name of the Count’s blood-sucking assistant in Stoker’s novel), had been written about by medical professionals since the late 19th century. Psychiatric reports dating to that period occasionally described patients who derived sexual pleasure from consuming blood, sometimes their own. This behavior, though very infrequently reported, continues to show up in psychological studies, and sometimes in serial killers.

—Hairpin pal Katie Heaney wrote about "clinical vampirism" at Pacific Standard yesterday; be forewarned that reading her [...]

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Reading Between the Texts: Is THIS Flirting?

The Text

Him: Nice job today. My teeth feel very clean.

The Analysis

K: Uhhhhhhhh gross? C: He was my practice patient in lab earlier. For, like, a cleaning. K: What? Did you FLOSS him?? C: Um, yesss … K: I don’t know how you can think about kissing him anymore. Or even talk to him. After your hands were in his mouth. As a dentist I would be too embarrassed to see any patient more than once I think. C: Well anyway, in between the various cleaning tools or whatever he was teasing me, SORT of? By like, making fun of Chicago. He was like, “Your hometown is the [...]

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Reading Between the Texts: The Best/Worst Texts We Got This Year

The Texts

2:30 a.m. Him: I find myself still attracted to you but I’m glad I was able to come talk to you tonight. R: Well I’ll always have a little crush on you too, but I’m glad we could talk and that you’re happy. Him: If I’m honest I don’t know if I would have had the resolve to say no if the attempt had been made to take things further.

9:20 a.m. Him: But you can do way better.

The Analysis

K: Hahahahaha wow I am going to slay the whole solar system. R: We seriously never have a punching bag around here, anywhere. K: I can’t [...]

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The Essential Pocket Guide to Monster Survival

Globsters

One of the earliest recorded globsters – The St. Augustine Monster of 1896.

Class: Unidentified organic mass

Threat Level: 1.5 out of 5 screams. (They might be lifeless, but they are SO gross.)

Summary: Globster” is a term used to describe unidentifiable, seemingly dead carcasses that wash up on seashores. That this phenomenon is so common as to need its own name, and that that name is “globster,” is really all you need to know. In 2003, the 14-ton Chilean Blob globster motionlessly and silently terrorized a nation — onlookers probably reported feeling as though the mass was “looking at [them], seriously, get it awayyyeeee.” In this [...]

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Never Have I Ever Written a Book (Until Now): A Conversation With Katie Heaney

Katie Heaney's book, Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date is out today from Grand Central. In it, Katie, an editor at BuzzFeed who's also responsible for this site's "Reading Between the Texts" series, recounts her experiences—or lack thereof—with the opposite sex, from childhood to the age of 25. What comes through is not an absence of relationships, however, so much as the presence and importance of the deep, abiding friendships she's formed over the years. And amid the humor and tongue-in-cheek self-deprecation, there's also a hearty message of empowerment to all women to be who they are, and not necessarily what society expects [...]

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"Shriveled Dead Things"

"The chupacabra—the name, Spanish for “goat sucker,” for the animal’s reported eating habits, the vampiric puncture wounds found on the necks or chests of its prey—is a relatively new legend, which I think makes it just slightly more suspicious for reasons I can’t quite explain but which have something to do with having too much familiarity with the historical setting into which it was born. (It’s the same way with religions, for some people. If you had relatives whose names you know and who were around and living when it all got started, doesn’t it just seem less authentic somehow?) 1995? I remember 1995. It did not seem an especially [...]

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Little-Known TV Crossover Spinoffs

“The eX-Files” 

Premise: Forced into hiding by an in-agency threat, Agents Doggett and Reyes decide their jobs would be better handled off the radar – WAY off. Reyes convinces her friend Carrie Bradshaw to take over the X-Files by night, maintaining her sex columnist day job as both a cover and a way to get into the minds (and beds) of New York City’s alien hybrids, shape shifters, and worm people. Little does Carrie know that she’s being watched; that high school boyfriend of hers who ended up in a mental institution? He’s got a secret identity of his own. He knows all there is to know about the X-Files, [...]

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Reading Between The Texts: Sexting, Sort Of. (?)

The Texts

B: Dinner this week? Him: I didnt think i would hear from you again.. haha, Im availble early next week B: You need to have more self-confidence boy! Him: haha

The Analysis

K: Haha. You called him ‘boy.’ B: Guys love that. I think. K: The few times I’ve been called ‘lady’ I liked it so much it was almost a problem, so I can see that. Although maybe the reverse is ‘sir’ and in this case it’s more like you are like his stern but ultimately kindhearted grandmother. Or maybe it is really cool and he was like “whoa.” Anywayyy, what happened after? B: Nothing. [...]

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Yeti-Hunting in Minnesota

"It’s hard to prepare for something like an open-ended nature search for something that was possibly a lifeless rubber suit 40 years ago, but you’ll want to start with a first-aid kit—for the potential loss of limbs. A ruler and a magnifying glass are also crucial—for tracking. We also packed notebooks, granola bars, and a hollow chocolate turkey, leftover from Thanksgiving, which we figured was a decent meat substitute and an attractive piece of bait. I brought a blush brush, too, ostensibly to dust for fingerprints, but in retrospect that just seems silly." Katie Heaney hunts for a Minnesotan Iceman in Outside.

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Drunk Texts From Famous Authors

"I am throwing up in my hat" – John Cheever