Posts Tagged: kathleen hale
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A User's Guide to Raising Your New Puppy While Remaining Sort Of Sane

1. First of all, your puppy is an idiot.

2. Give the puppy a name that reminds it every day what an idiot it is. We recommend: Grandpa Pajamas, Mrs. Boob, Waffles.

3. Your puppy is a coldhearted idiot. You will know this to be true the next time it looks you straight in the eye and pees on your carpet.

4. Don't get lured in by expensive puppy swag. Deodorizers and "Thundershirts" are bullshit. Wrap the puppy in sheets like a mummy if you need it swaddled and use white vinegar when it shits on the floor.

5. It will shit all over the floor.

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How To Change Your Name In 41 Easy Steps

1.) Practice saying your new name. Say it aloud to friends, family, and police officers. Ask yourself these questions: Can I pronounce it? Can I spell it? Can I remember it?

2.) If you are changing your name as part of getting married, proceed to step 2b.) If not, skip to step 3.

2b.) Go online and print out an application for your marriage license. On the application, there will be a question asking what you want your new name to be, followed by a large blank space. Whatever you write here will be your new name! Congratulations! Mazel tov!

2c.) The application will most likely have some rules [...]

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This Is The Story Of A Happy Reader

“Oh dear,” Ann Patchett said upon first laying eyes on me. I had just pulled into her driveway after finishing the second leg of a trip that had squeezed me from the crush of Manhattan’s deadlock traffic all the way to Nashville, Tennessee. I would like to say the hours flew by, given that I was going to meet one of my heroes—that as the billboards flipbooked from ads for storage units to ones for porn and God, mountains cropped up in my peripheral vision, all blue at dusk. But anyone who romanticizes road trips has clocked more hours reading travel books than actually driving. The truth is that [...]

32

Dress Your Family In Your Lover's Shoes

I was asleep on the overnight train from Carbondale to Chicago, dreaming about snuggling with my boyfriend, Sam. I awoke to find myself reaching for my seatmate—a newly released convict who did not want to snuggle.

“No,” he said, crossing his arms. I knew he was a former inmate from his grey sweatpants, matching t-shirt, and prison-issued sneakers. The Pinckneyville Correctional Center is halfway between Southern Illinois and Union Station. The midnight train is the cheapest option for shipping freed men north.

He shook his head. “I don’t cuddle.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. It seemed pointless to explain that I’d thought he was my boyfriend of one [...]

13

What Makes Us Feel Better When We're Sad?

Everyone has a favourite activity for when they’re mildly depressed. For some, it’s huddling in bed with a comforter pulled up around their ears to shield against this cruel world; for others, it’s donning neon underwear and blasting “Deceptacon” for an impromptu bedroom dancing party.

My own ministrations involve watching old episodes of Freaks and Geeks I’ve already seen at least four times, soothing myself with the familiarity. (If I need a quick hit of joy, it’s straight to Youtube to watch a 47-second clip of Bill Haverchuck stutter “You cut me off mid funk!”) When that’s not working, I go watch videos of Michael Clark. [...]

52

My Recent Life According to My Yelp.com Reviews

I recently had to take some time off from my job due to carpal tunnel syndrome, which, for the record, is little like crumpling aluminum foil between the tendons in your wrists and then sticking your arms in a microwave.

I’m not trying to sound brave or anything. As an athlete, this is by far the dorkiest injury I have ever sustained — worse, even, than my most embarrassing ski-vacation-injuries. Including the time I skied into a tree and got my head stuck between the trunk and one of the branches, and then started breaking out into a rash from the pine needles while my family snapped photos and laughed [...]