Posts Tagged: joanna borns
29

An Open Letter of Resignation From Sideboob

I recently met with Sideboob about the current state of its career. Looking a little melancholy, Sideboob simply said, "I can't do this anymore," and asked me to relay this announcement to the public.

From the desk of Sideboob

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Dear Media, Internet, and connoisseurs of famous breasts,

I would like to inform you that I am resigning from my position as "a thing," effective immediately.

In these fast-paced times, the exposed side of a woman's breast no longer causes the excitement of spotting a unicorn or a dog riding a scooter. Now it's more like seeing a regular horse or a frozen yogurt [...]

137

What It Sounds Like Your Coworker's Eating: A Gchat Log

I can't tell if Eric is eating or drinking from the sound he's making

It sounds like Eric is chewing peanut butter and silly putty.

God Eric, sounds like oatmeal and tunafish.

Oh Eric, are you eating some cold cuts covered in chewing gum?

Oh Eric, are you eating an apple covered with hot fudge?

Oh Eric, are there 5 lbs of live minnows in your soda? So you're swallowing tiny swimming fish along with the beverage? Because that's what it sounds like.

Oh Eric, are you eating a combination of Jell-o and popcorn?

Eric is just eating saltwater taffy covered in honey.