Greetings, my dear readers. After six months editing this humble Drake-themed Toronto-sponsored placenta-covered hair accessory site, I have some truths that I can’t keep from you any longer. Here are some things I haven't been honest about:
I actually know how to do my makeup really well, I’m just too BUSY and IMPORTANT to do so. I’m actually 105 and have been using placenta masks since day one. I’m Haley’s Tyler Durden. I’m Haley. I’m the girl Drake is crying about in all his songs. I definitely sweat like a normal person. I once turned down a date with Donald Glover before he was famous. I'm actually not [...]
When I was 12 I cast a spell on my mom so she’d let me to go my friend Seth’s Bar Mitzvah. It was from The Good Spell Book, which I found in the sale bin at Barnes & Noble, and even though a few pages had been ripped out it still had instructions on how to bend someone to your will. I sat on the floor of my uncle’s old bedroom in my grandparents’ house, with a pink ribbon and a candle and some sort of scented oil and made my Intentions clear to whoever was listening. A few weeks later, she relented and said she’d send me [...]
There’s a blissful moment that I hope you all get the chance to experience. The bliss, that is, and not what leads up to it. It’s a moment when you’ve just dragged your trash out into the hallway, and your kitchen smells like hot Berry Kix, and your stomach is starting to settle again, when you see that bottle of Qream on your counter and think “I’m done.” That your work, whatever its legacy or reception will be, is finished.
But first, to the beginning.
“Anyway GOOD MORNING!” ended the email I got from Edith at 7 a.m. on a recent Monday, in which she alerted me to the existence [...]
There are a few warnings on ChocoVine's label:
1. Consume with in six months of opening.
2. Store in a cool, dark place.
3. Do not mix with acidic drinks!
4. Grape wine with artificial flavors, cream, and artificial colors.
That last one is most definitely a warning.