When I was 12 I cast a spell on my mom so she’d let me to go my friend Seth’s Bar Mitzvah. It was from The Good Spell Book, which I found in the sale bin at Barnes & Noble, and even though a few pages had been ripped out it still had instructions on how to bend someone to your will. I sat on the floor of my uncle’s old bedroom in my grandparents’ house, with a pink ribbon and a candle and some sort of scented oil and made my Intentions clear to whoever was listening. A few weeks later, she relented and said she’d send me [...]
There’s a blissful moment that I hope you all get the chance to experience. The bliss, that is, and not what leads up to it. It’s a moment when you’ve just dragged your trash out into the hallway, and your kitchen smells like hot Berry Kix, and your stomach is starting to settle again, when you see that bottle of Qream on your counter and think “I’m done.” That your work, whatever its legacy or reception will be, is finished.
But first, to the beginning.
“Anyway GOOD MORNING!” ended the email I got from Edith at 7 a.m. on a recent Monday, in which she alerted me to the existence [...]
There are a few warnings on ChocoVine's label:
1. Consume with in six months of opening.
2. Store in a cool, dark place.
3. Do not mix with acidic drinks!
4. Grape wine with artificial flavors, cream, and artificial colors.
That last one is most definitely a warning.
It's our firmly held belief that Halloween is far more important than Christmas, and therefore more deserving of a countdown calendar. It is, after all, the most wonderful time of the year: there are parties and costumes and terrifying things like Martha Stewart, and candy and then more candy and then even more candy, and your ability to consume that much candy is a marvelous thing to behold.
So, in celebration of the Highest of High Holidays, we're bringing back our Halloween Advent Calendar. We'll post one or two Halloween-y pieces a day in the 13 days leading up to October 31. Why 13 days? Because 13 is [...]
I know. It's obvious. But it's holiday time, and I wanted to decorate some cookies. And I have to say, if you decide to get one egregiously holiday-themed product this year, this is not a bad one to choose (especially compared to Pringles Peppermint or whatever). Straight, it tastes a bit like sweet coffee made with ashes, but mix in some hot milk and by golly you got a nog goin'!
Plus, of all the ridiculous liquors I've gotten, this one seems to make the most sense, baking-wise. Why bother with nutmeg and cinnamon and actual ginger when you can just use a dollop of Kahlúa Gingerbread? Cut your prep [...]
There may come a time in your life when you have a bottle of the weirdest alcohol you can possibly imagine. Perhaps someone brought some Green Apple Vodka to your house dorm room, and it has somehow made it to the cabinets in the apartment you live in as a 26-year-old. Maybe you got some 99 Bananas to make one very specific shot at a very specific party and now the bottle is gathering dust. You may have even been totally qurious about Qream and what it can do for you. We’ve all been there.
I’m not going to even pretend to know what’s going on with liquor flavors [...]
Start consuming art. Consume everything you can. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, that’s all subjective anyway. Visit museums. Look at every painting, every artifact. Don’t go anywhere without new music on your iPhone or in your car. Get a Netflix subscription. Buy the Criterion Collection. Go to the ballet and cry.
Start to have opinions. Tell everyone you’re preferring J. Cole’s new work and that Yeezus left you wanting. Discover that there is actually "lesser work" of the Beatles, and that you like it more than the White Album. Don’t be ashamed of liking Salvador Dali, even though lots of people seem to think that’s pedestrian. Get [...]
Have you ever had a realization, usually sparked by something small, that nearly reduces you to tears over how incredible humans are? That the existence of some bizarre thing we've created proves how silly and creative and purely beautiful we are? This happens to me a lot. I watch a YouTube video of a man playing clarinet while covered in bees, or listen to a song about thrift shopping, or look at the photo my dad texted me of his garden gnome, and I cry because humans are so weird. All of us. We are entirely united in our weirdness.
This recently happened to me while thinking about Bubblegum Vodka.
1. You finally come to terms with the fact that you're not a good liar. You were an okay enough liar to get off the three-week-long medical malpractice suit, but you can’t figure out a good excuse to get off a civil case involving a 12-year-old being hit by a car (he’s fine, everyone) while crossing in the middle of the street.
2. You start having a week of bad luck. It begins when jury selection takes two days to complete, and continues when you are chosen last as an alternate, have to make an emergency call to a doctor to get your birth control refilled, and lose your [...]