Cytokines Every morning Cytokines wake up for another goddamn day at the office.
It is difficult to get out of bed when they know today will be a day exactly like any other. They consider for a moment: "Should I even bother?" Ultimately, they drag themselves up and go through the routine: coffee, shower, suit up, out the door.
"What if I wore the same suit for a week straight? Would anyone notice? Would anyone care?" they wonder, on their daily bus route from the primarily residential neighborhood in which they reside to the high rises of downtown Amyopolis. "That's right. The exact same blue pin stripes and pants [...]
Diagnosis: Constant Complaining
Symptoms: Self-pity, self-absorption
Analysis: Complaining is, and will always be, more fun than being thankful. As humans are inherently selfish (see David Foster Wallace’s This Is Water), it is nearly impossible to see things from any other perspective than my own small-minded and egomaniacal tunnel.
Best Guess: Try to listen to your wife, your mother, and your friends, and stop complaining so much.
Hamilton Leithauser, lead singer of the Walkmen, chronicles his illnesses and self diagnoses over the years ("Fender Twin amplifier emits same frequencies as a .50-caliber WWII anti-aircraft gun"), leaving us with an entirely new subset of WebMD symptoms to consider. [The [...]
This story is an update to this story, published here in April 2012.
Six months ago, I sat waiting in my gynecologist’s exam room chair, fully clothed and wishing I were anywhere else. At that particular moment, I’d even have preferred being naked and spread-eagled on the paper-lined bed. It’s not true what they say about the stirrups being the worst part of the ladyparts exam room: it’s the chair. Once you’re clothed and in the chair, it means you’re there to talk.
You never forget your first time debriefing with your gynecologist. Mine was four years ago, at age 22, when I sat crumpled in a chair [...]