Posts Tagged: handy guides
15

A Smart Girl's Guide To Responding To Pop Stars

We've all been there: You're having a great day, just hangin' out with your friends, enjoying your space, when one of those pesky pop stars shows up thinking he can seduce you with his sexist lyrics and gyrating hips. Sometimes it's so vulgar and obscene you're flabbergasted and stand there, wondering what you should say! Well, wonder no more. Here's a handy guide of appropriate responses and clever come-backs that will banish the know-nothing chauvinists who have somehow weaseled their way onto the radio.

IF HE SAYS: 

YOU SHOULD SAY:

Ok, first of all, not a big deal or anything, but just so you don’t get embarrassed in the [...]

0

A Men's Fashion Guide to Music Festivals

–Instead of the popular ladies' flower crown, wear an actual crown of thorns. Fit it so that it punctures your forehead flesh just enough. If blood gets in your eyes a little bit but you don’t feel that lightheaded, you’re doing it right.

–Pull your jean shorts up as high above your belly button as they will possibly go. Stuff your stomach meat into the shorts (must be denim) and button them NO MATTER WHAT. Button every button. If you pinch some skin with a button, leave it! You will get used to the pain and the skin clumps will eventually fall off, sort of like your umbilical cord. Patch [...]

1

How to Enjoy A Rainy Day

THINK OF WORSE STUFF

Cirque du Soleil

A Capella music

The way your dentist's hands smell

I have to put an IKEA chair together later, so you can put "Dayna Evans" on this list

Cities with restrictive open container policies

Sugar-free jam

Bats

DAVE EGGERS

Brainstorm ten tags that Dave Eggers might use if he were a graffiti artist. I'm going with Dick Socket first, HACK as a close second.

UPGRADE ADOBE READER

You cannot live one more day with that fucking red box startling the living shit out of you when you're trying to Gchat. Just upgrade it. It takes two minutes, not even. 90 seconds.

WHAT'S UP WITH [...]

8

These Are the World's Best Tights

The Sweethome tested 54 tights and has declared these tights the best, most durable tights in the existence of tights (specifically: "black, footed leg coverings that are semi-opaque to opaque… and which can be worn in both professional and personal settings"). Lululemon's spray-on tights were not included in the round-up. [The Sweethome]

8

Embracing the Tour de France, the World Cup’s Endearingly Weird Little Brother

Are you growing tired of watching impossibly attractive men tear off their shirts in the name of God, country, and football? Well, do I have excellent news for you: the Tour de France is upon us. I love the Tour de France (go ahead, pronounce “France” like it rhymes with “taunts,” I know you want to), the world’s most famous bike race, and firmly believe that it’s completely underrated—especially in years when it’s pitted against the World Cup, as it is now. If the World Cup is the disaffected, hard-bodied teen who’s too cool for the moon landing, the Tour de France is the nerdy, telescope-toting little brother who Sally [...]

4

How to Be a Genius (Or, How to Contract Syphilis and Be An Artist)

It seems that James Joyce was not the simple hypochondriac he’s often assumed to be. Rather, with his panoply of debilitating symptoms, he was something far more romantic: a syphilitic. According to a new biography, if the long-whispered rumors about Joyce’s burden are true, he had the French Curse, the Spanish Itch, the Canton Rash, or whatever delicate nickname he preferred to use.

Artistic genius and syphilis are strange but habitual bedfellows. (For men, of course; women with syphilis are just diseased prostitutes.) Joyce was in good, grossly infected company: Charles Baudelaire, Vincent van Gogh, Beethoven, Francisco Goya, Oscar Wilde, Gustave Flaubert, Édouard Manet, Guy de Maupassant, and Friedrich [...]

5

Tax Terms, Explained

APRIL 15

This is Seth Rogen's birthday. He turns 32 today. Seth Rogen was born in Vancouver, laughs like a Muppet, and is your ideal body type. He similarly has no idea how to do his own taxes.

IRS

I Rock Sandals Is Ringworm Scary? Indiana's Rest Stops Other: __________

REFUND

Kayak dot com forwardslash spring break forwardslash margaritas cervezas forwardslash J Crew bathing suit sale forwardslash SPF 85 because melanoma is a real problem

UNCRUSTABLES

These are all the sandwiches you ate this year. For every sandwich, you could get something back from the sandwich shop, but only if you wrote every single one down. How many sandwiches did [...]

0

The Martha Stewart Workout Plan

1. Walk into bedroom to grab your yoga bag.

2. Notice that something's off.

3. The room isn't as bright and functional as it once was.

4. Strip your bed, setting all linens aside so the mattress and pillows can air out.

5. Remember to place all pillows on your bedside chaise lounge or bench while you work (never on the floor!).

6. Unbag your Martha Stewart Home Collection Lush Blossom 6 Piece Queen Comforter Set.

7. Maintain a clean workspace by disposing of all tags and packing material in a wastebasket alternative.

8. Iron all new linens using your [...]

1

Tips For Taking On the Summer

Summer is a mere three weeks away. Don't get caught with your pants down.

OUTDOOR MOVIES

These are the same as indoor movies but you have to spend no less than three hundred dollars at Trader Joe's first. On the group text your friends have inevitably jailed you in, tell them you're bringing a good blanket.

Susie: who's bringin cheese, i bought crackers

Laura: ill bring cheese, i have wine too

Ingrid: homemade quinoa salad and a fruit plate! xoxo

Tori: i picked up a growler of beer and some chips/salsa/guac. so ready for this, ladies!

You: BLANKET

[1 minute later]

INDOOR MOVIES

Scientifically proven to be one thousand percent [...]

5

How to Change Your Password: A Heartbleed Guide

Millions of passwords, credit card numbers and other personal information may be at risk as a result of a major breakdown in Internet security revealed earlier this week.

The damage caused by the "Heartbleed" bug is currently unknown. The security hole exists on a vast number of the Internet's Web servers and went undetected for more than two years. While it's conceivable that the flaw was never discovered by hackers, it's nearly impossible to tell. -The AP

Here is a foolproof guide to changing your personal passwords during this crisis.

MATT DAMON

Imagine you're lying in a meadow and Matt Damon is shirtless next to you. He smells [...]