Previously: Text Messages From a Ghost. April 22
hello Hi, who’s this? ill give you a hint i brought you some candy babies Ghost? ghost! Ghost? Ghost! ghost!! i really did bring you candy babies though they’re on the counter not to brag or anything but i poltergeisted them there all by myself I thought you were gone, I thought I had broken you or sent you somewhere I couldn’t see or hear Where have you been? hoo boy well all over really i spent some time in an egg i had to wait to get hatched out of that so that was probably a [...]
If you don’t want to pay $13 to see a movie this weekend, watch a complementary title available instantly from Netflix instead. Or don’t. Or realize that today is your sister’s birthday and brainstorm selections for a celebratory movie marathon that the two of you would watch if you both lived in the same city. It would probably begin with a breakfast of eggs and grits while watching My Cousin Vinny, and transition into the ultra-violence and illiteracy of Freeway with Reese Witherspoon and Kiefer Sutherland. As a break from the blood, we’d watch Heart and Souls, followed by a nice Shirley MacLaine double feature of Two Mules for [...]
"And as she chattered on, we both suddenly became aware that she was, indeed, sitting on something. Yet the room, like the rest of the house, had seemed utterly empty just a few minutes ago. My mother sprang up — and we both peered at the large object she’d been sitting on. In the dark, it seemed like a large wardrobe lying on its back in the middle of the living room. ‘I don’t like this,’ my mum whispered. ‘It’s the shape of a coffin.’" —A ghost wanted this woman to buy her house, and the woman freaked out.
In our politically divided, socially stratified world, it is nice to know that 48% of Americans can agree on one thing: ghosts are everywhere. Floating around, seeing you when you’re sleeping, knowing when you’re awake, silently judging all the life choices you’ve made since college.
But sometimes, just knowing that they’re out there isn’t enough. What about the times when you want to reach out to ghosts, to find out what really killed them, or see if they have any good dating advice?
In the past, communicating with the beyond was a costly and time-intensive endeavor. If you opted to bypass the traditional séance route, you had to [...]
October 14th hey im gaunting you ok Do you mean haunting yeah sorry i don’t have any fingers so im poltergeisting a stick to help me text this Who is this? oh sorry im a ghost So do you live inside this phone yeah kind of
October 21st sorry if last night was pretty loud Sorry? some other ghosts came over last night and we fought we used to be roommates Oh. they weren’t good roommates I’m sorry no no it’s okay I mean its really nice of you to care I really like haunting you a lot Don’t you mean “gaunting” hahaha you remembered
Last month we posted an article about labiaplasty. In formatting it for the site, I had to — happily, I admit! This sort of thing is right up my alley! — link to a few Youtube videos and websites. But now my browser just won't let it go. Every single time I go to Youtube there are multiple thumbnails of vaginas staring me in the face, some of them mid-surgery! How can I get this to stop!? My other e-ghost is Kreayshawn. Today she has heart-shaped glasses on, an important fact I wouldn't have known that without your "helpful" suggestions, Youtube. Lord help me. Go to Youtube [...]
A few years ago a friend of a friend hooked me up with an amazing house sitting job. I liked the idea of hanging out in someone’s mansion for a few nights, pretending to be a rich lady. Let’s talk about the house for a minute, so you can fully understand what I’m dealing with.
A three-story Victorian mansion complete with grand piano, pool table, caterer’s kitchen (honestly, I didn’t even know what that was), and a soaking bathtub surrounded by enormous windows. There were MacBooks lying around like old phone books and a big library full of self-help titles that I felt I should peruse.
The owner of [...]
Happy everlasting Halloween! Here's a slow and nauseatingly spooky video to start your holiday morning.
Generations ago, a family in Western Canada had a proud but small farm. They raised crops and livestock so plentifully, they outproduced all the other farms in the colony. Soon, people began to realize that the spring that watered their land was the sweetest and purest in the area and was thought to be the source of their success.
A jealous neighbor schemed to divert their water to his own property. Stealing onto their land one bitterly cold winter night, he was confronted by the farm’s owner, known only as Tobias. The neighbor struck him with his shovel, knocking him unconscious into a pond near the mouth of the [...]