This is unoriginal, but I'm a really bad procrastinator. I like spending thirty minutes staring at my pores in the mirror, or spending an hour scrolling to the hundredth page of Tumblr, or spending a day imagining what I'd look like if I shaved my eyebrows off (ok?). But I also crave the feeling of being productive, and can't operate too well without it. A friend recently asked me what I'd deem a perfect day, and nestled among 2-5 breakfast sandwiches, I asserted that I wanted a block of 90 minutes where I would put music on and get things done—clean my bathroom, get to inbox zero, update my [...]
10 Songs For Your Limp Dick
1. "Stutter," Elastica
2. "I Just Don’t Know What to Do with Myself," Dusty Springfield
3. "Under Pressure," David Bowie, Queen
4. "(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction," The Rolling Stones
5. "Patience," Guns N’ Roses
No body part inspires puritanical pearl-clutching in decent Americans quite as much as the humble nipple. Ten years ago, Janet Jackson slipped the nipple heard ‘round the world, prompting comic levels of outrage and morality policing. This summer, the MPAA banned Eva Green’s Sin City 2 poster for hinting at the possible existence of a nipple through her sheer robe. In between, there was a decade’s worth of similar incidents regarding this particular brand of anatomical exposure:Janet Jackson at Super Bowl XXXVIII
The nipple-baring that started the national conversation about wardrobe malfunctions took place at the 2004 Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show. When Justin Timberlake dance-ripped Jackson’s top, [...]
Go to a public park and get in Downward Facing Dog. Rip a fart directly at each park-goer who passes behind you.
Assume the Child's Pose, then start sobbing loudly. Pound your fists on the floor while wailing. The louder you cry, the more you're working your core. Demand cheddar Goldfish and a sippy cup of chocolate milk to replenish your energy when you’re finished.
The Vengeful Lotus
Sit cross-legged in front of your computer at 2 a.m. with your browser open to your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's healthy living blog. Scroll down, seething at every "creative, delicious, and totally satisfying" raw food recipe you [...]
Taco Baby Nestle your baby in a taco shell, then drizzle him or her with shredded cheese, sour cream, salsa, and a light chopped lettuce garnish. (Note: If you only have soft tortillas on hand, feel free to try out Burrito Baby. Supplement with rice, but don’t let your baby eat any. He really doesn’t need the extra carbs.)
Your Baby Peeking Out of a Mason Jar Pinterest is going to fucking implode.
Vodka Watermelon Baby We’ve all seen the standard photo of a baby sleeping peacefully in a watermelon1. Bo-ring! Plug a bottle of vodka in that watermelon—bonus points if you put a vodka nip in each of [...]
There is no shortage of ways to attempt to improve your life: pricey gym memberships, ambitious diet plans, social media experiments encouraging #100happydays, recommendations to keep a journal, to eat fewer dairy products, to turn off electronics long before bedtime. We usher in each new year by resolving that it’s time we’ll reach our highest potential.
Self-improvement is a funny thing.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to become better, but there’s something comical about the misguided, hairbrained attempts at doing so that are most certainly doomed from the start. Those are the ones I find interesting, having been compulsively guilty of undertaking them. (I also derive great pleasure in hearing [...]
A doomsday tale told through Weather.com homepage screenshots.
Mothers #MojitoMom pushed #SerialKillerMom to a sick #DanceMomBrawl
Mothers II #BathtubMom scrubs down #MomInTrunk, while #MouthyMom shrieks #WhoKilledDaddy
Antichrist #BoxesOfBabies Inside the old #HouseOfSnakes Hark! The #SoundsOfDeath
A Fun Night #PotheadPrincess meets #PervyGranny, #KillerNun: Ends in #DwarfSexSting
Boobs What #CleavageComplaint? Oh, this #BreastMilkXRay shows Too much #BreastAndBeer
T-Pain’s Lament Pricey #StripperBill #PotToBlame — high, took her to #BurgerKingBaby