Posts Tagged: erin sullivan
111

The Best For Me But Worst Overall Ghost Encounter This Year

My girlfriend and I were enjoying some beers (nice) as we made dinner together a couple of weeks ago.

"Hey," she says, and I look over from cleaning some dishes. "Did you do this?" Her beer bottle's label has been completely removed, not a rogue strip or glue remnant in sight. I say no, and she says she didn't either. We test another bottle to see if we can even recreate such a clean tear job. Not possible. But surely I'd done it, she's convinced. "This is the worst prank anyone could ever pull." OKAY, neither of us did it, let's put it behind us and enjoy "The Sopranos" like [...]

69

Why Enigma's "Sadeness" Could Never Exist Today

Part Gregorian chant, part Native American soundscape, part Pure Moods, this song was a disaster in theory and execution. Still, it topped the charts in December of 1991 and I'm pretty sure I loved it. I was shocked to find out the actual date, though, because if you'll recall that song continued its run for the better part of that decade. I guess because it was timeless. Literally without a time or genre.

It's true that children determine what gets played on the radio, but is this what we really wanted? Who was this song for? It was technically a Christian song, the opening line in Latin translating to "in [...]

46

On Ice Cream

Playing a sport in college is not unlike what I imagine it is to be in prison, for many reasons, one among them being the ability to make the outside world's ordinary seem luxurious. The use of normal leg function, a late morning wake-up, a soda with dinner :: a perfect jig, spa day, aged wine.

It was an away game and we were promised ice cream if we won. It had unfortunately come to this, and the excitement for something we were rarely allowed started during the game. If a goal was scored, where there were usually congratulatory hugs, there were instead chants for that sweet cream. ICE [...]

3

Recession Band-Aids and Their Subsequent Reviews

The Chef — four corn nuts glued together

“This one healed my wound almost immediately, because of all the salt, but it was pretty painful and scarred right away.”

The Cat Lover — a miniature plastic disco ball tied around with string “Just when I thought my cut was healing, one of the ball’s edges would reopen it.”

The Postman — bits of packing peanuts sprinkled on top of wound “Well, what can I say — my leg’s been amputated.”

Previously: Nine Ways to Enjoy Adult Acne.

Erin Sullivan lives in Portland, Oregon.

407

What Your Payment Method Reveals About You

Slinging your card down: You've definitely shoved a dog's face away from you because "move."

Slinging cash down: You've consumed alcohol that's involved whipped cream in the past week.

Handing your card betwixt your pointer and middle fingers in a frisbee-throwing motion: You have a Netscape email account.

Handing your card Politician Hand style: You've watched YouTube videos on how to Dougie, but you would never Dougie in public.

Handing your card along with your driver's license: Russell Brand both scares and entices you.

119

Nine Ways to Enjoy Adult Acne

1. Stare at your face and wonder if this is actually a joke. Think about your past. Is this karmic upswing? Ha, no totally, this is a joke. Right those wrongs, you jag.

2. It's important to use warm, NO, lukewarm water when washing your face. Here's how you find the perfect temperature: run the hot tap and let it really heat up. Using your fingertips as guides, adjust the cold tap with a scientist's precision. How does it feel to you? Good? You're on the right track, but get it to a point where it feels just perfect — it's so perfect that you could stand there letting [...]