If the former homeowner were an "alcoholic," wouldn't those antique bottles of whiskey in the attic be empty? "Only users lose drugs," or whatever the alcohol version of that is.
I recently had to take some time off from my job due to carpal tunnel syndrome, which, for the record, is little like crumpling aluminum foil between the tendons in your wrists and then sticking your arms in a microwave.
I’m not trying to sound brave or anything. As an athlete, this is by far the dorkiest injury I have ever sustained — worse, even, than my most embarrassing ski-vacation-injuries. Including the time I skied into a tree and got my head stuck between the trunk and one of the branches, and then started breaking out into a rash from the pine needles while my family snapped photos and laughed [...]
Here is the tale of the race to the South Pole that happened 100 years ago this month. You can't even blame these folks for ripping off "Drunk History" because they made this thing in Antarctica because they live in Antarctica. Can you imagine how bored you must get? (May I suggest new chapters of "Trapped in the Closet" next?) "Now fast forward, and it's not that fast of a forward" is definitely going into my storytelling phrase bag. [Thanks, Shayla!]
Snake Eyes Sunglasses, $1.99 (were $14) $1.99. $1.99? ONE DOLLAR AND NINETY NINE CENTS?!? I'll take fifty.
Either researchers have found that people with tattoos drink more than people without tattoos OR people with tattoos have to be drunk before they agree to participate in studies as opposed to tattoo-less people who get the tiniest buzz going and suddenly they're blowing into every breathalyzer they meet? (The study does not ask the most important question, however: what kind of tattoos are we talking about?)
Two years in a row I've participated in the Real Ale Ride (a bike ride starting and ending at the Real Ale brewery in Blanco, Texas), first as a volunteer, then as a rider. As a volunteer, I got drunk and wandered the grounds of the brewery bagging litter. As a rider, I completed my first serious road ride on serious hills, and then got drunk. Which was a better time overall? Let’s compare.
Pros of Volunteering 1. Volunteers got more free beer than the riders. 2. You can totally drink beer WHILE picking up trash. 3. Litter reduction is a tangible social benefit, making the world/brewery a better place. 4. It [...]
"One time when I was 17, I fell asleep on [a friend's] couch, drunk, in my boxers. When he knocked on the window, I jumped out of the window, went to this house party already drunk, and somehow cut my foot on something. I was bleeding all over this person's house, in my boxers, dick hanging out every-[bleeping]-where. At a house party. In the middle of the winter. In my underwear." —Creative Loafing oddly ended a list of Yelawolf's top five Atlanta hangouts with this glorious tale that proves one person's dream is another person's nightmare.
The night was going excellently. I was at one of my favorite bars, I had an absolute wrecking ball of a Long Island Iced Tea in my hand, and my best friend and I kept yelling "Rusty Cartwright's here!" at each other because he was and we were (perhaps a bit too) delighted by his presence.
Then A* came up to me. His impressive height was only emphasized by his spiky hair, which I kept wondering about. Did he wash it before he went to sleep at night? He didn't look like the type. Wouldn't his pillowcase get gel all over it? Pressing questions.
Within the first minutes [...]