[N.B. I have never seen True Detective.]
Camera pans over a bayou or maybe a wooden shack. There's a dead body inside the shack. Still warm.
WOODY HARRELSON: It's incredible that they got us two mega stars to be in this TV show.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY: All right all right all right all right.
HARRELSON: We also look alike.
[VOICEOVER: But which one of them will be—the TRUE detective?]
Camera pans over a wooden shack or a diner. There’s a dead body still inside the shack, less warm. The diner has good grits.
HARRELSON: I am better at this job because [...]
WHITE CHOCOLATE MACADAMIA NUT First name John, last name Gacy, middle name Wayne.
PEANUT TOFFEE BUZZ My, you sure are grumpy today, aren'tcha? Didn't have time to get your iced Americano today, didya? Better take this fiber-enrobed shit nugget to the face.
OATMEAL RAISIN WALNUT Just eat a cookie chased by a hardboiled egg.
MAPLE NUT It's the dead of winter and you can hear the satisfying crunch of snow beneath your feet as you journey deeper into the woods, fiendishly in search of sustenance. A winter bunny bounds past, but you are too slow to catch it. A reindeer with a meaty looking flank makes direct eye contact, but [...]
CURLING (Into A Ball)
Ten points if you do it for an hour.
A thousand points if you don't leave bed all weekend.
Gold medal for you if you quit your job, sell that gold medal, invest in the bond market, gain wealth, thereby proliferating more gold. This will translate to happiness. Mail your teenage nephew red Beats by Dre headphones for his "domepiece." This is a successful game of curling (into a ball).
A brash alarm begins its unforgiving beep. It's the morning; dawn peeks through your window.
"It's all downhill from here," you say.
Punch someone! Reflect on how weak you are! [...]
• Ketchup and mustard on a hot dog
• Your first name and your last name
• M.A.S.H. the game but you played it in a hot air balloon
• M.A.S.H. the show but you watched it while puking
• These art museum gift shop pencils
• The Vitruvian Man
• Mashed potatoes but you ate them on the second floor of IKEA
Previously: Drake's Recipe for Pound Cake
Dayna Evans is a writer and a musician. You can find her writing here, her music here, and her tweets at @hidayna.