Posts Tagged: dayna evans
11

You Belong To Me

When I was eight years old, the only thing I wanted to be was president, and Tommy Hanlon told me in front of everyone in my class that I couldn't be.

One plank arm, square in my face with a noodly little finger: "If you weren't born here—you can't be president!" he squealed, a proud look in his eye.

At the time I was ostracized and lonely and distinctly un-American. I was, by the Southeastern Pennsylvanian definition, a "normal looking" eight-year-old, with a whole lot of love to give, but I had an untrustworthy accent that I'd brought over from England and a few other Victorian ticks like asking a [...]

3

On "Being the Only Girl in a Band"

This Impose response to a Noisey article about being the only woman in a band ("Learn How To Apply Makeup In A Moving Vehicle") collects, from various women who are the only women in their bands, anecdotes and kernels of advice that are a bit more nuanced than the original text. Here's Alanna McArdle, lead singer of Joanna Gruesome:

Existing as a woman in a band is an incredibly difficult and brave thing to do, and not because I have to figure out how to put my makeup on in a moving van. I recently spoke about the sexism women in music face [...]

2

How to Enjoy A Rainy Day

THINK OF WORSE STUFF

Cirque du Soleil

A Capella music

The way your dentist's hands smell

I have to put an IKEA chair together later, so you can put "Dayna Evans" on this list

Cities with restrictive open container policies

Sugar-free jam

Bats

DAVE EGGERS

Brainstorm ten tags that Dave Eggers might use if he were a graffiti artist. I'm going with Dick Socket first, HACK as a close second.

UPGRADE ADOBE READER

You cannot live one more day with that fucking red box startling the living shit out of you when you're trying to Gchat. Just upgrade it. It takes two minutes, not even. 90 seconds.

WHAT'S UP WITH [...]

6

How to Change Your Password: A Heartbleed Guide

Millions of passwords, credit card numbers and other personal information may be at risk as a result of a major breakdown in Internet security revealed earlier this week.

The damage caused by the "Heartbleed" bug is currently unknown. The security hole exists on a vast number of the Internet's Web servers and went undetected for more than two years. While it's conceivable that the flaw was never discovered by hackers, it's nearly impossible to tell. -The AP

Here is a foolproof guide to changing your personal passwords during this crisis.

MATT DAMON

Imagine you're lying in a meadow and Matt Damon is shirtless next to you. He smells [...]

2

Tips For Taking On the Summer

Summer is a mere three weeks away. Don't get caught with your pants down.

OUTDOOR MOVIES

These are the same as indoor movies but you have to spend no less than three hundred dollars at Trader Joe's first. On the group text your friends have inevitably jailed you in, tell them you're bringing a good blanket.

Susie: who's bringin cheese, i bought crackers

Laura: ill bring cheese, i have wine too

Ingrid: homemade quinoa salad and a fruit plate! xoxo

Tori: i picked up a growler of beer and some chips/salsa/guac. so ready for this, ladies!

You: BLANKET

[1 minute later]

INDOOR MOVIES

Scientifically proven to be one thousand percent [...]

7

Canto Tell Me Nothing: A College Essay Comparing Kanye to Dante

Dayna Evans Professor Rock Medieval Studies 101 22 May 2014

Canto Tell Me Nothing and the Party of One: Why Dante Alighieri Is Still Alive and Living Inside the Body of Kanye West

Since the dawn of time, humans have sought to make lasting art for other humans to enjoy. Dante Alighieri once wrote, “In the middle of our life's journey, I found myself in a dark wood,” and that was how The Divine Comedy begins, Dante’s greatest contribution to society. Most recognize Dante Alighieri as the famous Italian poet responsible for The Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso, but what most people don’t know is that Dante, who [...]

7

How to Take Advantage of Rhubarb Season

MAKE A PIE

Go to the liquor store and get margarita mix and a handle of tequila. Set up a Facebook invite called "PIE PARTY," making sure to invite every woman you know, but especially the girl with the food blog.

Guests begin to arrive.

"Where's this pie?" Julia asks. She's wearing a tea-length cocktail dress and carrying a chartreuse felt clutch.

"Here's a margarita. Be right back."

Three hours later, the food blog girl will have made you and all your guests a pie. She had some spare vegetable shortening in her purse.

PUNK'D

Tell your 10-year-old cousin that rhubarb is celery dipped in blood.

CROSS HATCH CHAIR

You're [...]

3

PAGE SEVEN: Picking Up Where the "Page Six Spy" Left Off

Yesterday, a "Page Six spy" delivered a report from inside the Kimye wedding. In the future, all aspirational literary references to the "Great American Novel" will be replaced by aspirational literary references to the "Page Six Spy Report." "Florence has bid arrivederci and goodbye to Kanye and Kim," wrote the spy yesterday. "Come back soon, but please, not too soon."

Bye-bye, Kimye. Bye-bye to one of the greatest Italian vocalists of all time. Bye-bye to the golden toilet tower and the marble nudes that weighed half a ton. Bye-bye to the lone spotlight that landed on Kim's crotch. But most of all bye-bye to the 50-year-old woman who passed out on [...]

5

My Eulogy According to My Amazon.com Orders

Dayna was a great woman, a kind woman. Some might say a generous woman. Her generosity showed when she ordered a dozen or whatever blue orchids on Amazon the day before Mother's Day and forgot to write in the "Do you want to attach a note?" box. Her mother was thrilled by the flowers, but confused by their delivery.

"Who sent these to me?" her mother had wondered. "There's no note attached."

Dayna was unreachable by phone that day because the used phone charger she had ordered from iXCC, $3.99 shipping, had not arrived yet. She kept missing the delivery. Her phone was dead so she couldn't call USPS to [...]

6

Tax Terms, Explained

APRIL 15

This is Seth Rogen's birthday. He turns 32 today. Seth Rogen was born in Vancouver, laughs like a Muppet, and is your ideal body type. He similarly has no idea how to do his own taxes.

IRS

I Rock Sandals Is Ringworm Scary? Indiana's Rest Stops Other: __________

REFUND

Kayak dot com forwardslash spring break forwardslash margaritas cervezas forwardslash J Crew bathing suit sale forwardslash SPF 85 because melanoma is a real problem

UNCRUSTABLES

These are all the sandwiches you ate this year. For every sandwich, you could get something back from the sandwich shop, but only if you wrote every single one down. How many sandwiches did [...]