Posts Tagged: dayna evans
2

Tax Terms, Explained

APRIL 15

This is Seth Rogen's birthday. He turns 32 today. Seth Rogen was born in Vancouver, laughs like a Muppet, and is your ideal body type. He similarly has no idea how to do his own taxes.

IRS

I Rock Sandals Is Ringworm Scary? Indiana's Rest Stops Other: __________

REFUND

Kayak dot com forwardslash spring break forwardslash margaritas cervezas forwardslash J Crew bathing suit sale forwardslash SPF 85 because melanoma is a real problem

UNCRUSTABLES

These are all the sandwiches you ate this year. For every sandwich, you could get something back from the sandwich shop, but only if you wrote every single one down. How many sandwiches did [...]

5

Grab Bag Spring Fashion Tips

Listen, I'm not an expert on fashion. I'm a hyperintelligent lab rat who learned to communicate with humans through jokes. I saw an article that said I had to wear a shirt to be en mode, so I'm defaulting to that from now until winter starts again. Wear a shirt, wear a shirt.

But for some, style guidance is necessary or else Vogue would be dead. For those who need it, as the spring months slowly saunter in on whatever drunk unicorn they've been riding, I've compiled some cool fashion tips from a grab bag of sources. Imagine you're at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party and you [...]

7

The Freelancers' Cookbook

HONEY IS A FOOD

Put it on toast. Put it on a spoon. Put it on your mouth. Just don't get it on your computer because sticky keys are not conducive to productivity and rouse visions of sex, which will distract from productivity. Sex is not a food. Sex is exercise for the graveyard shift.

JAM IS ALSO A FOOD

Straight from the jar!!!!!

COFFEE IS A FOOD

It is no longer a food if you let it become cold. It is then a poison.

HARD-BOILED EGG, UNSALTED

If you even have the patience to crack this thing, which you don't. Call your landlord and nervously cry, "I'm locked [...]

2

Alternate Diets For Your Brain

Grains are officially killing you. Try something else.

COCAINE BRAIN The year is 1979. Meet me, Frankie, and Tonia at The Palladium in 20 minutes.

DWAYNE BRAIN Can you SMELLLLLLLL what The Rock is cooking? Kale salad on a bed of boiled air. FOLLOWED BY A PROTEIN SHAKE AND SQUATS, 40 REPS.

BLAINE BRAIN Watch closely as your lunch . . . DISAPPEARS. Let's go ahead and CHOP your joy in HALF. Now your joy is disembodied and exists nowhere, in the magician's fifth realm. If you make it there alive, you are permitted to eat as many churros with Nutella as your heart craves. If you survive, it [...]

5

How to Change Your Password: A Heartbleed Guide

Millions of passwords, credit card numbers and other personal information may be at risk as a result of a major breakdown in Internet security revealed earlier this week.

The damage caused by the "Heartbleed" bug is currently unknown. The security hole exists on a vast number of the Internet's Web servers and went undetected for more than two years. While it's conceivable that the flaw was never discovered by hackers, it's nearly impossible to tell. -The AP

Here is a foolproof guide to changing your personal passwords during this crisis.

MATT DAMON

Imagine you're lying in a meadow and Matt Damon is shirtless next to you. He smells [...]

12

Interview With My Mom, Who Never Had a Single Moms Club

I rarely have visceral reactions to movie previews, let alone previews for Tyler Perry movies that I am never, ever going to see, but I gaped through a two-minute trailer for The Single Moms Club. Gathered on a broad porch, drinking rosé and sharing laughs, are five single moms, none exhibiting a single dark eye-circle or a frenzied need to get somewhere they’ve forgotten. They look like they smell nice and eat well. They’re laughing. They’re talking about men, ho ho, how can we lock them down?

My mother, who divorced my father in England in 1995 when I was eight and my brother was nine, and moved [...]

6

The Madewell Museum of Human Curiosities, Year 2143

Welcome to the Madewell Museum of Human Curiosities. I am your tour guide, Jornts. If you are descendant from human, please step through this scanner to cleanse your sub-level hybrid body of its hazardous germs. If you are an alien, here is a complimentary Leopold Scone, made from the blood of a Leopold serpent and the essence of DW-40. Slurp it up with your fifty tongues. We won’t watch.

Today on our tour we will be looking at selections from the Madewell store, a pre-Alien Revolution establishment that sold clothing to young human women, and whose name appears as the 428th lie in the book of Lies Humans Told, as [...]

2

My Correspondence with Spam Gary Sinise

Dear Spam Gary Sinise,

I am so glad to hear that you are a fan of mine (though I have to admit I find it a little strange). When I checked my Facebook inbox this morning, I didn't expect to see your name there next to Jana Wrewelwski asking "2 pls friend." I haven't thought about you since 2008, which was the last time I idly watched Forrest Gump. I like your work, too! You were particularly strong in that other movie. Saving Private Ryan, I think.

Stay healthy. I hope you don't get a "sinise" infection.

Best, Dayna

———-

Dear Spam Gary Sinise,

I regret to [...]

2

My True Detective Season Recap

[N.B. I have never seen True Detective.]

EPISODE 1

Camera pans over a bayou or maybe a wooden shack. There's a dead body inside the shack. Still warm.

WOODY HARRELSON: It's incredible that they got us two mega stars to be in this TV show.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY: All right all right all right all right.

HARRELSON: We also look alike.

MCCONNAUGHEY: True.

[VOICEOVER: But which one of them will be—the TRUE detective?]

Roll credits.

*EPISODE 2

Camera pans over a wooden shack or a diner. There’s a dead body still inside the shack, less warm. The diner has good grits.

HARRELSON: I am better at this job because [...]

9

Our Clif Bars, Ourselves

WHITE CHOCOLATE MACADAMIA NUT First name John, last name Gacy, middle name Wayne.

PEANUT TOFFEE BUZZ My, you sure are grumpy today, aren'tcha? Didn't have time to get your iced Americano today, didya? Better take this fiber-enrobed shit nugget to the face.

OATMEAL RAISIN WALNUT Just eat a cookie chased by a hardboiled egg.

MAPLE NUT It's the dead of winter and you can hear the satisfying crunch of snow beneath your feet as you journey deeper into the woods, fiendishly in search of sustenance. A winter bunny bounds past, but you are too slow to catch it. A reindeer with a meaty looking flank makes direct eye contact, but [...]