"There is no escape once the 'treatment' starts," warns the Daily Mail.
Writing captions for the Daily Mail: dream job, or ultimate dream job?
"Her enigmatic smile is known to millions around the world and she has been kissed billions of times," says the always poetic Daily Mail of this lovely girl. Back in the 19th century, she was pulled dead out of the Seine and never identified, but all was not lost because she became somewhat of a legend, and her face was eventually used as the basis for Rescue Annie, the dummy that's used to teach people CPR. So now she spends her days lying around on dusty YMCA floors all over the country getting "kissed."
A poem composed entirely of Daily Mail subheds. (Previously: The Love Story of Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne.)
The Daily Mail brings you the stories that matter: orange-y English people behaving poorly in Ibiza, and sightings of individual great white sharks twenty-five hundred miles away*.
*Doesn't it seem like the Atlantic Ocean should be wider than that? Toss in a zero, we wouldn't have blinked.
When a South Korean tech firm organized a cloning competition for elderly pets:
Miss Smith, a caterer,  read about the cloning competition and entered her 12-year-old dachshund, sending in videos of her pet. She said: 'My sausage dog is very special but she is 12 and not going to be around for ever.'
Winnie made it onto a shortlist of three, and after she won, a sample of her skin tissue was removed, and sent to South Korea in liquid nitrogen. There, the cells were put into eggs provided by a bitch of the same breed, before a spark of electricity fused the two. The embryo was then put into [...]
From a study of 2,000 women, "most ranked their man as only 69 per cent perfect," says the 100% perfect Daily Mail, with these 20 man-failings coming in first (through twentieth). While reading them, it's hard not to imagine one amazing man with all these traits. ("I hate your mom, is she the one who buys you these horrible toothbrushes? I peed on the floor again, on a picture of your friends. Why are kids so nasty? Can you look that up for me, I'm too busy braiding my beard, and it's making me sad. So what, leave me alone, I'd prefer to speak about this with my [...]
"And as she chattered on, we both suddenly became aware that she was, indeed, sitting on something. Yet the room, like the rest of the house, had seemed utterly empty just a few minutes ago. My mother sprang up — and we both peered at the large object she’d been sitting on. In the dark, it seemed like a large wardrobe lying on its back in the middle of the living room. ‘I don’t like this,’ my mum whispered. ‘It’s the shape of a coffin.’" —A ghost wanted this woman to buy her house, and the woman freaked out.