I spent the better part of my morning and the first part of my afternoon trying to do all these adult things, like get my driver's license, for example. Not that I have any plans to drive in the near future. Like lol who would ever let me behind the wheel of a car. It was motivated mostly by my desire to not bring my passport to bars anymore because I know I have the face of a wise old lady but somehow I still get carded all the fucking time. Anyway, a dad had brought his cute teen daughter for the test and was teasing her in line by [...]
Something amazing happened this weekend, but something rather normal happened last night: the American Society of Magazine Editors held their annual award ceremony, where they basically Oscar'd out and rewarded the New Yorker, this week's home of mediocre white men, the award in Essays and Criticism for Roger Angell's piece about being old, which, not hating just saying, was fine, but was nothing compared to Ta-Nehisi Coates' STUNNING The Case for Reparations which pretty much set the world afire but ok????????????? Let's just spend the rest of the day re-reading it.
My dad is a huge Yankee fan. In order to understand this, you need to know that my dad is the kind of person who picks a few things to really like and then he likes them obsessively. My dad likes three things more than anything else in the world: Datsun Z Cars, old episodes of Superman and Star Trek, and the New York Yankees. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of baseball history; you can see the joy on his face when he talks about his team.
So when I was a kid, whether I wanted to or not, I was going to know baseball. I learned how to [...]
My dad was born on Christmas and is named Noel.
Happy early Father’s Day. What are you going to do to celebrate?
Mom and your brother have to tell me what they want to do. I’m not going to plan my own Father’s Day! I have kept my schedule open. Ideally you would be here and we would all be playing golf.
I’ve done my part to kill that dream for you. You going to play on Sunday?
Maybe Martin and I could, and Mom…
Never going to happen.
Maybe sometime in the future!
Do you think Father’s Day is stupid or do you like it?
I think it’s a [...]
When asked why he was giving famous books such as Lord Jim low reviews on Goodreads, the Booker Prize-winning author Salman Rushdie claimed he was "only fooling around":
When challenged by members of the site, Rushdie is reported to have said: “I’m so clumsy in this new world of social media sometimes.
"I thought these rankings were a private thing designed to tell the site what sort of book to recommend to me, or not recommend.
"Turns out they are public. Stupid me."
Which, first of all, is very adorable and made me really want to call my dad, and second of all, caused me to be excited for [...]
1. In 1968 James Baldwin was a guest on The Dick Cavett Show and said, “…as Malcolm X once put it: the most segregated hour in American life is high noon on Sunday.” High noon, he said in a slight baritone as if trying to find the right key for a song. Baldwin then goes on to give examples of other institutions, not just the Christian church, where systematic racism has wielded its power; the labor unions, the real estate lobby, the board of education. Part of this episode can be found on YouTube and runs a swift one minute, one second. Baldwin’s voice—its’ near-sport of a voice—is one [...]
It’s only an estimate, but I’ve done the math. My father died while I was in a run-down hotel lobby in Newburgh, NY, picking up my race number for a half marathon that would begin in just under an hour.
Dad, at 62, was still an impressively healthy athlete. He swam a mile a day, rode his bike twice daily and played volleyball every weekend. One of the big regrets of his life was that he could not persuade me to take an interest in the game, despite the fact that I “had the shoulders for it.” That Saturday morning last June, while I was driving north from New York [...]
If it existed, then when I left for school and came back, it would still be there. If it was there today, then it would be there tomorrow. Right, Dad?
I touched the objects in the house. The bed and the Mickey Mouse light switch and the crumbling flower wallpaper. The Garbage Pail stickers. What about the office up in the attic? The porch? The sidewalk? I dashed over the slats, avoided the cracks.
My father smiled, pleased. “Well how can you know for sure? It's [...]
Whenever I have an idea for something funny to write on the Internet, I have to make sure that it isn’t just something I’ve subconsciously ripped off from writer/webmistress Mallory Ortberg. If there is a joke to be made about anything, chances are Mallory’s already made it, in a both subtle and absurd way that will seep into your brain and stick with you for months.
On November 4th, Henry Holt is publishing Texts from Jane Eyre—a collection based on the series in which Mallory sums up the entire canon of Western literature in a few textual exchanges with great accuracy and even greater lols. Believe [...]
My father was terrible at gifts. Terrible at receiving them. You would break your back to find the most amazing, perfect gift ever, he would open it, pause, say, “Thank you!”, put it down, and never speak of it again. Over the years I bought him, among other things, a beautiful, strange coffee table book about Mexican churches, a silver wall hanging with a scroll of paper for note-taking, a wooden 3D puzzle in the shape of a gondola, a tiny statue of Molly Malone, which was the first song he’d learned and partly the inspiration for my name. The only gift I ever bought that I can confirm he [...]