I hate to be alarmist — just ask my husband ("What does your wife hate to be?" "Well, alarmist, cold, scared or late.") — but it seems your couch has figured out another way to kill you: by releasing carcinogenic flame retardent particles into your house. Don't bother Googling "what year PBDE invented?" or "began using PBDE in furniture?" because you won't find what you're looking for. Supposedly vacuuming will help, but that sounds like a lot of work and also not true, right?
You know those sofas and armchairs that have amazing bodies or upholstery and you can’t understand why someone put them on Craigslist for free or why Goodwill is selling them for $20 instead of the $80 they should really be? (It’s Goodwill. It should never be more than $80.) And then you take a closer look, and everything looks fine, and then you sit, and suddenly realize that everything is not fine, and the reason this otherwise-awesome specimen of design is dirt cheap is that there’s a spring poking into your ass, and that’s why they can’t give it away, much less sell it?
Fear not! You, too, can re-tie [...]
Are you ever lying on the couch in the evening watching TV and you start getting drowsy and then maybe you fall into one of those weird half-sleeps and you have a dream where you’re at the nail salon getting a pedicure and this guy who works there starts shaving your leg except he’s not doing it right and you keep having to tell him how to do it and then he accidentally cuts you and then you wake up and you're annoyed but you’re still really sleepy, and, even though you know you should get up and go to bed, you just wish you could pass out right [...]