"I could be a reverse racist if I wanted to. All I'd need would be a time machine, and what I'd do is get in my time machine and go back in time to before Europe colonized the world and I'd convince the leaders of Africa, Asia, the Middle East, Central and South America to invade and occupy Europe, steal their land and resources… In that time I'd make sure I'd set up systems that privileged black and brown people at every conceivable social, political and economic opportunity…"
From Chicago actress Rebecca Loeser, a short monologue: "Girlfriends do uncreative Facebook statuses, whereas my Facebook statuses are robust. And bizarre. What if the identity changes don't stop there?" Girl, we feel you.
Edith Zimmerman: Adam! You run Splitsider, which is also in the Awl network, and you're doing a cool thing where you're launching your own distribution label (!), Splitsider Presents. Your first output is a movie called The Exquisite Corpse Project, which is available on your site as of today. First things first: Please rank all the Awl sites in order???
Adam Frucci: That's a pretty mean first question, Edith, since you're asking me to actively insult my friends and co-workers. So instead I'm going to list them alphabetically, since you didn't specify by what rubric I'm supposed to order them: The Awl, The Billfold, The Hairpin, Splitsider, The Wirecutter. [...]
“It’s not murder, but it is neglect. People have told me their stories. Like, ‘I kept taking my dog on a walk without a leash, and this car hit him. I got another puppy, and I didn’t want to put him on a leash, and he got hit by another car. Anyways, I’m on my fifth dog, and I just don’t want to put him on a leash.’ And that has made me feel a whole lot better. If you Google, ‘I killed my loved one by accident,’ you will find many stories of people who have left their babies in hot cars. I mean, everyone’s doing the best [...]
Here's the hilarious first episode of "Pursuit of Sexiness," a new web series written by and starring Hairpin favorites Sasheer Zamata and Nicole Byer as two goal-oriented young women who are "looking for good men, easy money and free meals but would be satisfied to break even and find a guy who doesn’t prematurely ejaculate." (Warning that certain parts are NSFW.)
At the New York Times, 22 cast members (and Marc Maron, who almost made it) look back at their SNL auditions, starting from the beginning:
MOLLY SHANNON I heard that Lorne Michaels was looking at tapes. I used my waitressing money and made a tape of my characters. I was on a pay phone across from an El Pollo Loco, and I found out that he had passed on it. I was crying. I was devastated.
TRACY MORGAN I was married, I had three sons, and I was on welfare. I didn’t want that no more. I knew that if I got “Saturday Night Live,” it would change me [...]
You know, at least I’m not lying saying “my girlfriend” anymore. And in all fairness, all my girlfriend jokes — for anybody who thinks, Oh, that’s sad, he had to make up whole stories — I didn’t make up whole stories; they were real stories, I just changed the gender. And by the way, if that doesn’t prove how much same-sex couples are the exact same as heterosexual couples, not once in my career did anyone ever hear a story I told and say, “Wait a second, that doesn’t sound like anything we … ” It’s all the same.
In my most feverish anxiety dreams, I'm at work facing a tribunal of scary bosses, not naked but totally bottomless, and somehow more-naked-than-naked as a result. For performance artist Adrienne Truscott, dreams like this are the stuff of inspiration. In her new solo show, "Adrienne Truscott's Asking for It! A one-lady rape about comedy starring her pussy…and little else!" Truscott wears a cropped denim jacket, boots, a wig, and, well, not much else.
The setting’s not within everyone’s comfort zone, but Truscott’s audience is in good hands. She’s a seasoned performer with a history of naked feminist shenanigans (notably as half of the Wau Wau Sisters) and her [...]
The backward-gazing historical improv comedy group PERIODS. ("I get my PERIODS.") bring you Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy if they were on the computer making beauty tutorials. The short videos play in succession above, or you can toggle among them on Nerdist's YouTube page.
Previously: "Is this a new pelt?"
(See also: Texts From Little Women.)
Last night I went to a comedy show called "50 First Jokes" where 50 pretty great comedians got up and told one joke each — the first new joke they'd written this year. 2013 is one week old, so these were mostly brand-new and untested. (Or tested maybe a handful of times, as many stand ups work every night. But still, very new jokes!) I was expecting this show to take foreverrr, right? But it went pretty quickly. I was also expecting a lot of one-liners — had I been one of the comedians, I'd have gotten up, farted in the mic, and sat back down. But most of these [...]