1. Well, this one's pretty straightforward. (And if the Calendar Lords are reading, I promise to do better in the coming months; you can have my first-born, regardless.)
2. Cut the top off a hard-boiled egg, pop/crumble-pick the yolk out, and mash it with your mix-ins of choice (here it's mayo, mustard, and a Trader Joe's yogurt dip thing, which was gross, but not inedible [haven't yet found that], and it's just an egg and it's good to experiment? #Yolo –> #Yolk? You Once Live — Know?).
3. So yeah, this one's a little loosey goosey, but then put it in a candlestick that sort of looks [...]
Although master sommelier David Glancy would beg to differ. No, he actually agrees: "you could use a heavy chef's knife, [or] you could use a real sword … but it just needs to be heavy." The Times also has a colorful written tutorial: "Why would anyone take a blade to Champagne?" Toby Cecchini asks. "Well, frankly, it allows you to embrace your inner jackass under the guise of being dashing, with the entire drippingly elegant historical pageant of Champagne to lend your puerile posturing legitimacy and panache. I still can’t decide if sabering Champagne is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of, or one of the greatest, but it’s precisely [...]
Made from a variety of chocolates, champagne caviar (?), gold leaf, and a two-carat diamond, the nameless chocolate pudding dessert costs $35,000 and comes delivered in an edible Fabergé Egg-style container, which has been glazed in champagne jelly (?) and more edible gold, and is made of biscuit joconde. It is waiting by the fire for someone to come eat it.
OK let's figure this out. Biscuit joconde is an almond sponge cake. Champagne caviar … does not appear to exist, although champagne jelly does, so champagne caviar must be made from the eggs of a fish fed strictly champagne and champagne jelly. I'd try it.