Posts Tagged: airports

How to Enjoy the Airport This Holiday Travel Season

I’ve spent somewhere around 200 hours of my life—about eight full days—inside airports. This is not because I am a glamorous jet-setter (I’ve never seen the inside of an airport lounge), but because I enjoy traveling and the cheaper I can do it the longer I can keep going. In order to make early morning flights I’ve spent the night at Heathrow, Newark, Milwaukee, Casablanca, and a handful of other airports. I’ve had looong layovers in Toronto, Seoul, D.C., Frankfurt, and New York that gave me plenty of time to go into the city, but I’ve always opted to save my funds for the trip instead.

Those 200 hours have [...]


Hierarchy of Airport Crushes

The random, smoking-hot people walking through the terminal, wherever they're walking to — not your gate, not your flight, never to be seen again.

The attractive/vaguely attractive people in line at the winding security checkpoint who slowly pass you every five minutes.

The hottest person at the bar closest to your gate.

The hottest person you pass in the plane once they're already sitting down, in first class.

The hottest person you pass, in regular class.


What to Eat at the Airport

I was just thinking about maybe going to LAX early so that I could have a nice sit-down dinner and get a little drunk before my five hour flight home this week, BUT WHERE!? Like, what restaurants do they even have there? McDonald's and Starbucks for sure, but where is the wine? And then moments ago Eater posts this guide to dining in most larger US airports and also Barcelona's for some reason? Table for one at El Cholo Cantina, please. (They left out Detroit. Sora Sushi Bar in the McNamara Terminal. You're welcome.) Now someone else (me?) post the location, phone number, and hours of every airport [...]


Tolerable Celebrity Rendered Intolerable by Dog

Many intolerable features here: matchingish sunglasses, matching Starbucks cups, and mutual hotness. But mainly, the dog's hoodie, and the way, in photo 6, the dog is held in the arms of the celebrity in question in a way that suggests it, the dog, is something it isn't. The position of the dog's right front leg. The way the back legs are awkwardly held by two of the celebrity's fingers. The way the dog is looking, Mrs. Joenas thinks, at her, but actually right through her, off into the distance, wondering what the hell it was thinking being born without the capacity to think about who should own it and [...]


The Hungover Airport Struggle


Takeoff omg

If you've ever wondered why airports make you go through x-rays to prove you're not concealing weapons but then only request you to turn off your mobile device (the implication being that turned-on phones can interfere with or otherwise crash the plane/it's all your fault) — and if you've ever been frustrated by how this in turn essentially implies that some group of air travel elders thinks we're too stupid to notice or mind that some theoretically crucial safety rules are mandatory while others are voluntary ("all day, every day") — here's a video that won't really fix anything but might give you something interesting (?) to talk about the next [...]


The Man in the Mirror Wants to Sell You Something

Mirrors were getting so outmoded. They could only do that one thing — show you a true, unvarnished reflection of yourself — and they didn't even come with apps or anything fun like that. Well, thank goodness someone has finally come up with a way to make mirrors more versatile! A company called Mirrus has invented a mirror capable of displaying ads, and Clear Channel has installed a bunch in the Chicago airport. So now when you're staring at yourself wondering if the left side of your face is slightly fatter than the right, you'll also be able to figure out what kind of bottled water you [...]


"It's not my fault that we are made so, half from disinterested contemplation, half from appetite"

At the New York Review of Books, a poem by Polish Nobel Prize-winner Czeslaw Milosz, translated with the former poet laureate Robert Hass: it's called "An Honest Description of Myself with a Glass of Whiskey at an Airport, Let Us Say, in Minneapolis."

My ears catch less and less of conversations, and my eyes have weakened, though they are still insatiable.

I see their legs in miniskirts, slacks, wavy fabrics.

Peep at each one separately, at their buttocks and thighs, lulled by the imaginings of porn.

Old lecher, it’s time for you to the grave, not to the games and amusements of youth.

But I do what I have [...]


Get "Rich" Quick Scheme!

Seven months ago, I moved to Buenos Aires without a job because I’ve always wanted to learn Spanish. So here I am now, learning Spanish while teaching English and translating Chinese on the side. (Yes, it is weird.) In any case, this summer, my Argentine boyfriend and I went up to the States to visit family and friends. What was supposed to be a two-week-ish vacation quickly turned into a three-week-ish one (and/or limbo of the hellish kind) when we got stuck in the airport for four days, voluntarily, in exchange for something like money.

If you, too, would like to make nearly $6,000 of “money” for “free” in four days, [...]


TSA's Attempt to Make Pat-Downs "a Game" for Children Is Backfiring

"You try to make it as best you can for that child to come through. If you can come up with some kind of a game to play with a child, it makes it a lot easier." Because kids love games that involve adult strangers touching them. Jesus christ, TSA.