You don't have to find the right bra for the breasts you happen to have. And don't let anyone tell you to love and accept your rack just as it is. Instead, remold the bosom you were given into something more acceptable with diet, exercise and attitude.

To firm up the muscles that support the breasts (not the breasts themselves), smile as widely as you can (until it turns into a grimace), hold for a count of ten, and release. Repeat five times.

–Linda Stasi, Looking Good Is the Best Revenge (1984)

It's a tradeoff of course, because that grimace will give you wrinkles. Ladies choice!

Warning: [...]

The holidays aren’t over. Not even close. It’s still, still, still the holidays! You’ve got to hold it together for a couple more weeks, but you can do this. And you'll do it by following a few supersimple holiday tips.

First of all, you are going to that party tonight, so let’s start with a festive, indulgent holiday drink.

Helen Gurley Brown’s Hot Buttered Rum

Into a mug or a cup put: • 1 tablespoon "butter" made from Butter Buds • 1 packet of Equal • 1 oz. rum Put a teaspoon in the mug. Fill to the brim with boiling water. Add a few cloves on top. Savor. [...]

Bonnie Downing collects vintage beauty guides so you don't have to. So I hear some of you are into natural deodorants? How lovely. And, in an effort to be more “green,” or perhaps more French, some of you have decided to forgo deodorant altogether, and keep bathing to a minimum? Brilliant.

It just might remain a mystery to you why you get left out of everything nice. If your best friend wouldn't tell you, I would. And supposing we worked or studied together, I'd start by asking you to tell me if I ever smelt even slightly stale or unpleasant, because I know that it's possible [...]

Are you afraid, ashamed, or even allergic to parts of your own body? We are! If, like us, you’re too sarcastic by nature to do self-love affirmations and finally accept who you are, that’s OK. Let’s channel our violent self-hatred into a simple daily beauty routine.

You’ve already responsibly shielded your nipples and crotch with high-tech foams. Surely you weren’t thinking of going out with only underwear, an outfit, and a winter coat, were you?

Holidays are an intense time. You may even fall prey to experiencing feelings. But when you feel, your face tends to move, and if you keep moving your face, you will get wrinkles. And then, the holidays will win. Don’t let the holidays win!

Bonnie Downing collects vintage beauty guides, and this is her new column.

Some people get so touchy when they hear the truth — they'd rather be getting nothing but blind support and relentless, sugar-coated praise. Plus sugar-coated other things, too. Because those people, the ones who can’t take brave and brutal honesty? Those people are fat.

"If you have been ten pounds overweight for the last ten years, you are officially obese. How do you like the word obese? Doesn't that rock you?" —Dorothy Seiffert, Beauty for the Mature Woman (1977)

That’s right, you. Not the girl next to you. Well her too, but mainly you. You’re fat [...]

Jesus’s birthday is coming up. And you know what he wants for his birthday? Nothing more than for you lose weight and become more attractive. As C.S. Lovett helpfully explains in his 1979 book, Help Lord … The Devil Wants Me Fat!, there’s a simple way to not be so fat: stop eating. Just completely stop. See, it’s not hunger that causes you to eat delicious holiday treats, it’s Satan.

Maybe that seems extreme to you. What about clean, natural, whole foods in their purest forms? you might ask. I eat a raw, macrobiotic, vegan diet, and I feel fantastic, you say. Yap, yap, yap. All I hear is [...]

Last night I went to a CVS near my parents’ house in Westchester, and assumed the drugged-like shuffle of endless browsing. I enjoy big drugstores outside of the city because items tend to actually be in stock, since everyone in the city already knows about, say, the excellent 99-cent eyeliner and the $2.49 pomade that's perfect for creating the slept-in hair promised by $20 jars of goo with names like Dirt or Slut (it's called Murray's Beeswax).

Plus, I get a deeper sense of discovery when I find weird stuff. Just like stories about adultery and murder are juicier when set against the suburban backdrop of bland normalcy, pharmeceutical [...]