lifehacks
15

How I Became an Adult Backstreet Boys Fan

"Sorry, we went with another candidate."

I briefly considered putting this on my tombstone, but then I realized the better idea would be to get cremated and have a trusted friend blow my ashes into the eyes of job fair recruiters. If I were to die this instant, that is. You don't want to hire me? Too late, I fired myself from being alive.

"You'll get something,” my mom assures me. "How is your writing going?"

***

I spend all my extra money on a video player for the TV. It's small and compact enough that I could probably lose it if it didn't have wires attached. I [...]

8

Welcome to Subaru Roadside Assistance & Empowerment

Thank you for calling Subaru roadside assistance and empowerment. This call may be monitored for quality assurance.

Before we start, we’d like to ask you a few questions so that we can provide you with better service. If this is a life-threatening emergency, or if you have tickets to a WNBA game that starts in fewer than 30 minutes, please hang up and dial 911.

—Let’s begin.

We have identified you using your phone number. According to our records, your Preferred Gender Pronoun is

SHE

Is that still accurate?

—Great. We have located you using your phone’s GPS. Please be aware, wait times may vary depending on your proximity to [...]