Handy Guides
5

How to Change Your Password: A Heartbleed Guide

Millions of passwords, credit card numbers and other personal information may be at risk as a result of a major breakdown in Internet security revealed earlier this week.

The damage caused by the "Heartbleed" bug is currently unknown. The security hole exists on a vast number of the Internet's Web servers and went undetected for more than two years. While it's conceivable that the flaw was never discovered by hackers, it's nearly impossible to tell. -The AP

Here is a foolproof guide to changing your personal passwords during this crisis.

MATT DAMON

Imagine you're lying in a meadow and Matt Damon is shirtless next to you. He smells [...]

17

How to Dress for Things You Hate

How to dress for your terrible office job: 

Black pencil skirt, large-print silk blouse, great bangles, tight smile that masks your inner hatred, heels that make your ass look great while people metaphorically try to kiss it.

How to dress for a dreaded double-date:

A dress loose enough that you can sigh easily, comfortable shoes for frequent walks to the bathroom, pockets for easy phone access, necklace for fidgeting.

How to dress for a restaurant job that you got out of desperation after getting fired from your office job you hated:

Black tights with runs in them, empire-waist black dress with cap sleeves and a low neckline, [...]

57

How to Enjoy the Airport This Holiday Travel Season

I’ve spent somewhere around 200 hours of my life—about eight full days—inside airports. This is not because I am a glamorous jet-setter (I’ve never seen the inside of an airport lounge), but because I enjoy traveling and the cheaper I can do it the longer I can keep going. In order to make early morning flights I’ve spent the night at Heathrow, Newark, Milwaukee, Casablanca, and a handful of other airports. I’ve had looong layovers in Toronto, Seoul, D.C., Frankfurt, and New York that gave me plenty of time to go into the city, but I’ve always opted to save my funds for the trip instead.

Those 200 hours have [...]

24

A Guide to Eating Very Particular Feelings, Part III

FEELING: The one where you jolt alert to find the golden street you walked down now behind you, the sunset down to an embarrassing smudge like an old lady's lipstick, the lovely town only visible through the window of a fast-receding train, and you have slipped like a paring knife between sense and experience, forgetting to touch it, forgetting to make it real.

HOW TO EAT IT: Hot dog.

•••   FEELING: The one where you wake up the morning after too many drinks with a fist of dread in your gut as if something terrible happened last night, some maiming or insult or betrayal that will devastate you as [...]

8

These Are the World's Best Tights

The Sweethome tested 54 tights and has declared these tights the best, most durable tights in the existence of tights (specifically: "black, footed leg coverings that are semi-opaque to opaque… and which can be worn in both professional and personal settings"). Lululemon's spray-on tights were not included in the round-up. [The Sweethome]

6

So You Want to Invest in a Man

Hello there, and congratulations, for you have bravely chosen to embark upon a voyage into the world of male investment! As seasoned veterans of the man management business, it’s long been our position that claiming personal stake in male humans brings with it manifold benefits. As a new entrant into the market, you should know that male investment is a frequently frustrating and only occasionally productive practice. We're here to make sure you know what to look for when it comes to building your portfolio.

Like a precious stone, male investment has many facets. When most people think of investing, their minds often turn to “romantic investment” arrangements. These [...]

12

How to Throw a Georgian-Era Christmas Party

Georgian era (1714-1830) English Christmas begins early. Inspired by Sarah Beeny’s A Very British Christmas program, this list will make sure your hair is properly coiffed, your guests are satiated and your knickers aren’t in a wad.

1. Procure a stately home. This one looks nice.

2. Employ at least 15 servants so everything runs smoothly.

3. Gift-giving officially began on December 6. Some good options: money, apples, eggs or a castrated cockerel.

4. Put the children to bed—they aren't invited or even included in the festivities for a few more decades. This is good, as things will get a bit racy.

5. If your party [...]

9

Our Clif Bars, Ourselves

WHITE CHOCOLATE MACADAMIA NUT First name John, last name Gacy, middle name Wayne.

PEANUT TOFFEE BUZZ My, you sure are grumpy today, aren'tcha? Didn't have time to get your iced Americano today, didya? Better take this fiber-enrobed shit nugget to the face.

OATMEAL RAISIN WALNUT Just eat a cookie chased by a hardboiled egg.

MAPLE NUT It's the dead of winter and you can hear the satisfying crunch of snow beneath your feet as you journey deeper into the woods, fiendishly in search of sustenance. A winter bunny bounds past, but you are too slow to catch it. A reindeer with a meaty looking flank makes direct eye contact, but [...]

9

Other Types of Showers

We are not all having babies, but we all deserve a shower. Here, I've done the shopping research for you.

 

1. The occasion: You got a full-time office job after a year of being unemployed/"uh, mostly freelance."

Where to register: J.Crew, Banana Republic, Zappos, Etsy, The Container Store

What to register for: This blazer is classic and sized from 00 to 16. Yes, it's almost $200 and you haven't gotten your first paycheck yet, but remember, you're not paying for it. Pencil skirts may feel snug if you were stress-eating entire boxes of pistachios and sugary dried pineapple rings while writing cover letters; pleats are [...]

14

A 41-Step Guide to Giving Yourself a Heart Attack

1. Arrive at your parents' house in the Berkshires from Brooklyn. Your parents are not home. Your parents are at the ballet.

2. So, better make sure it’s nighttime.

3. And make sure it’s rainy.

4. Be alone (because you have no boyfriend, as you are “too picky, especially for someone your age.” –Mom)

5. Be a generally skittish person to begin with.

6. Enter the house.

7. Go back outside to get your stuff.

8. Notice that the garage door is open and you're pretty sure it wasn't before.

9. Stop and think about this for a second.

10. Go back inside.

11. Become convinced you are entering an [...]