Handy Guides
14

A Smart Girl's Guide To Responding To Pop Stars

We've all been there: You're having a great day, just hangin' out with your friends, enjoying your space, when one of those pesky pop stars shows up thinking he can seduce you with his sexist lyrics and gyrating hips. Sometimes it's so vulgar and obscene you're flabbergasted and stand there, wondering what you should say! Well, wonder no more. Here's a handy guide of appropriate responses and clever come-backs that will banish the know-nothing chauvinists who have somehow weaseled their way onto the radio.

IF HE SAYS: 

YOU SHOULD SAY:

Ok, first of all, not a big deal or anything, but just so you don’t get embarrassed in the [...]

1

How to Enjoy A Rainy Day

THINK OF WORSE STUFF

Cirque du Soleil

A Capella music

The way your dentist's hands smell

I have to put an IKEA chair together later, so you can put "Dayna Evans" on this list

Cities with restrictive open container policies

Sugar-free jam

Bats

DAVE EGGERS

Brainstorm ten tags that Dave Eggers might use if he were a graffiti artist. I'm going with Dick Socket first, HACK as a close second.

UPGRADE ADOBE READER

You cannot live one more day with that fucking red box startling the living shit out of you when you're trying to Gchat. Just upgrade it. It takes two minutes, not even. 90 seconds.

WHAT'S UP WITH [...]

9

Our Clif Bars, Ourselves

WHITE CHOCOLATE MACADAMIA NUT First name John, last name Gacy, middle name Wayne.

PEANUT TOFFEE BUZZ My, you sure are grumpy today, aren'tcha? Didn't have time to get your iced Americano today, didya? Better take this fiber-enrobed shit nugget to the face.

OATMEAL RAISIN WALNUT Just eat a cookie chased by a hardboiled egg.

MAPLE NUT It's the dead of winter and you can hear the satisfying crunch of snow beneath your feet as you journey deeper into the woods, fiendishly in search of sustenance. A winter bunny bounds past, but you are too slow to catch it. A reindeer with a meaty looking flank makes direct eye contact, but [...]

9

Other Types of Showers

We are not all having babies, but we all deserve a shower. Here, I've done the shopping research for you.

 

1. The occasion: You got a full-time office job after a year of being unemployed/"uh, mostly freelance."

Where to register: J.Crew, Banana Republic, Zappos, Etsy, The Container Store

What to register for: This blazer is classic and sized from 00 to 16. Yes, it's almost $200 and you haven't gotten your first paycheck yet, but remember, you're not paying for it. Pencil skirts may feel snug if you were stress-eating entire boxes of pistachios and sugary dried pineapple rings while writing cover letters; pleats are [...]

0

A Men's Fashion Guide to Music Festivals

–Instead of the popular ladies' flower crown, wear an actual crown of thorns. Fit it so that it punctures your forehead flesh just enough. If blood gets in your eyes a little bit but you don’t feel that lightheaded, you’re doing it right.

–Pull your jean shorts up as high above your belly button as they will possibly go. Stuff your stomach meat into the shorts (must be denim) and button them NO MATTER WHAT. Button every button. If you pinch some skin with a button, leave it! You will get used to the pain and the skin clumps will eventually fall off, sort of like your umbilical cord. Patch [...]

5

How to Change Your Password: A Heartbleed Guide

Millions of passwords, credit card numbers and other personal information may be at risk as a result of a major breakdown in Internet security revealed earlier this week.

The damage caused by the "Heartbleed" bug is currently unknown. The security hole exists on a vast number of the Internet's Web servers and went undetected for more than two years. While it's conceivable that the flaw was never discovered by hackers, it's nearly impossible to tell. -The AP

Here is a foolproof guide to changing your personal passwords during this crisis.

MATT DAMON

Imagine you're lying in a meadow and Matt Damon is shirtless next to you. He smells [...]

18

How to Dress for Things You Hate

How to dress for your terrible office job: 

Black pencil skirt, large-print silk blouse, great bangles, tight smile that masks your inner hatred, heels that make your ass look great while people metaphorically try to kiss it.

How to dress for a dreaded double-date:

A dress loose enough that you can sigh easily, comfortable shoes for frequent walks to the bathroom, pockets for easy phone access, necklace for fidgeting.

How to dress for a restaurant job that you got out of desperation after getting fired from your office job you hated:

Black tights with runs in them, empire-waist black dress with cap sleeves and a low neckline, [...]

4

How to Be a Genius (Or, How to Contract Syphilis and Be An Artist)

It seems that James Joyce was not the simple hypochondriac he’s often assumed to be. Rather, with his panoply of debilitating symptoms, he was something far more romantic: a syphilitic. According to a new biography, if the long-whispered rumors about Joyce’s burden are true, he had the French Curse, the Spanish Itch, the Canton Rash, or whatever delicate nickname he preferred to use.

Artistic genius and syphilis are strange but habitual bedfellows. (For men, of course; women with syphilis are just diseased prostitutes.) Joyce was in good, grossly infected company: Charles Baudelaire, Vincent van Gogh, Beethoven, Francisco Goya, Oscar Wilde, Gustave Flaubert, Édouard Manet, Guy de Maupassant, and Friedrich [...]

8

These Are the World's Best Tights

The Sweethome tested 54 tights and has declared these tights the best, most durable tights in the existence of tights (specifically: "black, footed leg coverings that are semi-opaque to opaque… and which can be worn in both professional and personal settings"). Lululemon's spray-on tights were not included in the round-up. [The Sweethome]

6

So You Want to Invest in a Man

Hello there, and congratulations, for you have bravely chosen to embark upon a voyage into the world of male investment! As seasoned veterans of the man management business, it’s long been our position that claiming personal stake in male humans brings with it manifold benefits. As a new entrant into the market, you should know that male investment is a frequently frustrating and only occasionally productive practice. We're here to make sure you know what to look for when it comes to building your portfolio.

Like a precious stone, male investment has many facets. When most people think of investing, their minds often turn to “romantic investment” arrangements. These [...]