Oh, you’ve gone and done it again. You bought a way cute pair of shoes that make your feet look a half-size smaller … because they ARE a half-size smaller. But they’ll stretch when you wear them, right?
I know, I know: leggings are not pants and tights are not pants. But are they underpants?
There’s a special drawer in my closet dedicated to lost causes, the clothes I will never wear again but that I can’t find it in me to donate or throw away. They are all, invariably, the slogan shirt.
When you gave your big three-minute presentation on the history of the rail car, no one was really paying attention. But at least your sweat stains weren’t visible, thanks to the strategically designed Dance the Polka Dot dress! You look so cute, it almost distracts you from the fact that your so-called friends forget to ask you later how your presentation went and you’re eating a two-day-old tuna sandwich.
Having a signature “look” has been integral to successful pop stardom since a platinum-bleached Madonna first showed up on MTV with piled-on rubber Maripol bracelets and lace tank tops. It’s a warp-speed version of the adage “dress like the person you want to be”—wear clothes that will garner you attention and maybe, just maybe, the pop career will follow.
Like the lap, which only appears during sitting, the butt’s butt is somewhat elusive. Nudity banishes it; bikini bottoms conjure it. (Nearly all do. The boy short is merely the quickest draw.) Roughly speaking, the butt’s butt exists in that zone of bum/thigh ambiguity, where, thanks to gravitational forces, maximum flesh compression occurs.
Many of my generation were spurred out of our sexless youths and into adolescence at the site of Bowie as Jareth, the codpiece frontin’, owl-turnin’-into, Gem-hairstyle-bogarting Goblin King who wanted nothing so much as he wanted to make Jennifer Connelly’s underage Sarah kiss him forever in an Escher-inspired room of stairs.
We can all agree that looking good and eating sandwiches is, in fact, the greatest revenge of all.
I wear tights a lot, so I get asked questions about them almost every day. Sometimes twice a day, sometimes just once a day, and then a few days pass before there are any more tights questions. I am technically the most qualified person to share these VERY frequently asked questions about tights.
Foamy, modern, molded bras have taken over more than their share of the bra market. They seem to insist that if we decline silicone breasts, we should at least have the courtesy to hide our actual breasts under smooth, springy, vaguely breast-like shells.
Au revoir, Paris Fashion Week.
We’re already planning our spring looks.
“I have never witnessed a brawl break out at a fashion show. I’ve seen a lot of things happen, but brawling fashion hooligans, I have not witnessed.”
“I know these sunglasses are too small for my face and I’m okay with it.”
Yes this seems like a thing I would like to do.